I happened to see Bill today. It was something I could have lived without. Following is the internal conversation between my head and my heart.
Heart: OMG there's Bill!
Head: So what? Yesterday's leftovers.
Heart: He's wearing a blue shirt. Remember what that does to his eyes?
Head: Yes, so? Remember the black heart within?
Heart: Being with him was predictable and familiar.
Head: Yes predictably boring, depressing, and hurtful.
Heart: I miss intimacy
Head: I don't miss or need superficial intimacy.
Heart: It's been a long time since someone has held me.
Head: I now know that he's a horrible lover. 10 minutes of no big deal. I have knowledge and experience that I didn't have before.
Heart: I'm tired of being patient. I want to open my heart to someone special. I want to build something new.
Head: Be patient. You walked down that broken road long enough. Don't think about that dead end. A worthy man is out
there. Never, ever settle! William Francis Connearney aka William Seamus McDonald didn't deserve me when he had me. He still is unworthy. He hasn't changed, I have. I'm worth so much more than he will ever be! Give it time!
**EDIT 5/8/16** Since my separation and divorce I have done a lot of work on the inner me. Going back to school and working towards my degree is a huge step in self empowerment. I have truly grown and found a me within the mix that I never dreamed existed. I'm at peace. I'm stronger and happier than I ever gave myself credit for. I also look for the positive in life these days. During my marriage, I was the polar opposite. However, I was married for 25 years. My head 100% knows I'm in a better place. Old habits (long-term marriages) are like a worn pair of shoes. Comfortable but, not always the best choice. My heart apparently still has that lingering habit. I continue to work on completely breaking it. The important thing is my head is in a good place and as long as I reason with logic instead of emotion, I'll be okay
Heart: OMG there's Bill!
Head: So what? Yesterday's leftovers.
Heart: He's wearing a blue shirt. Remember what that does to his eyes?
Head: Yes, so? Remember the black heart within?
Heart: Being with him was predictable and familiar.
Head: Yes predictably boring, depressing, and hurtful.
Heart: I miss intimacy
Head: I don't miss or need superficial intimacy.
Heart: It's been a long time since someone has held me.
Head: I now know that he's a horrible lover. 10 minutes of no big deal. I have knowledge and experience that I didn't have before.
Heart: I'm tired of being patient. I want to open my heart to someone special. I want to build something new.
Head: Be patient. You walked down that broken road long enough. Don't think about that dead end. A worthy man is out
there. Never, ever settle! William Francis Connearney aka William Seamus McDonald didn't deserve me when he had me. He still is unworthy. He hasn't changed, I have. I'm worth so much more than he will ever be! Give it time!
**EDIT 5/8/16** Since my separation and divorce I have done a lot of work on the inner me. Going back to school and working towards my degree is a huge step in self empowerment. I have truly grown and found a me within the mix that I never dreamed existed. I'm at peace. I'm stronger and happier than I ever gave myself credit for. I also look for the positive in life these days. During my marriage, I was the polar opposite. However, I was married for 25 years. My head 100% knows I'm in a better place. Old habits (long-term marriages) are like a worn pair of shoes. Comfortable but, not always the best choice. My heart apparently still has that lingering habit. I continue to work on completely breaking it. The important thing is my head is in a good place and as long as I reason with logic instead of emotion, I'll be okay
Your story has made me cry. I was with my husband for 30 years, and married for 25 when it all came crashing down. Yet all I could feel at that point was relief that it was over. I had an inkling that I was being controlled over the years but had no idea that he was abusing me in the worst possible way. I wish he had hit me, then I would have known to walk away. Once he was gone the post separation abuse was (and still is) much worse. He said he would ruin me and he is trying his hardest. I lost my job as a foster carer along with the 2 foster children that I saw as my own. The house that we have lived in for 26 years is being repossessed because once I lost my income he refused to help to pay the mortgage. The same mortgage that he kept borrowing on throughout the years without my knowledge. It is now 3 times more than what we originally bought the house for. He is taking me through court for custody of our daughter. Yet all the while he is telling people that I was the one who made it impossible for him to stay in the relationship. He has always been a charmer, which was probably the attraction in the first place, but that charm covers up a narcissism that has instilled in me a self worth of zero - a fat ugly useless piece of junk that was lucky to have such a caring and compassionate man to call my own. I am having counselling now and it never ceases to amaze me that I am believed - That narcissism is a thing and that I am not alone. Thank you so much, your story has inspired me to start telling my own. Much love to you xxx
ReplyDeleteI pray things are looking better for you and your daughter. Bless you. May you have found the inner happiness and peace that you deserve. *Hugs* 💗🤗
DeleteLife has thrown challenges at me well after the fact, vaguely familiar situations that life wants to see if I recognize. Remember this? life asks. Ah yes, you've seen/heard/felt this before. Gonna handle it like before, or have you learned?
ReplyDeleteLife always knows where I'm at. It's a test, to see if I know where I'm at. Life can be a real pisser like that sometimes, but it's one of the few ways I can gauge my personal progress. Have I learned? To some degree.
Bill....must be "something in the name", my hub of 33 yrs (and counting) is a Bill and "narcissist ' snuck into my brain when Trump became elected....and I saw parallels.
ReplyDeleteWe had 9 therapists involved in our marriage over the first 15 years. No matter how much Welbutrin I was on, HIS behavior continued. I finally decided he could forget sex, and told him I needed him to move into the guest room. It was my salvation. A room of my own! One HE couldnt leave his messy ways in for me to pick up.
It has helped a LOT!
Hes now 77 and I am 71. We arsbt separating..I am second wife.
He knows hes lucky.
Both of you touch my spirit. Each of you survived horrible relationships, as did I. Blessings upon blessings, Luvs. Your friend Mel (on Twitter) 🕊💙⚖️💙
ReplyDelete