"THANK YOU RASCAL FLATTS"

During the more challenging times of my separation and divorce, "Stand" became my anthem. When I felt self pity or despair I would loop this song over and over. It gave me strength, determination, motivation and the courage to keep on going. I will be forever grateful to Rascal Flatts. They will never know the difference this song made to my very survival. I will carry it with me the rest of my days. I am a survivor and I celebrate myself and this song that inspired me through some very, very dark times. Music can help. I pray you all find your individual anthems. Until next time, peace, love and respect. :)

"INTRINSIC AND EXTRINSIC VALUE"

For the majority of my life I sought acceptance, validation, and approval from extrinsic (outside) sources. I believe this led to much disappointment and at times treatment from others that was not okay. Case in point, William Seamus McDonald aka William Francis Connearney aka Bill. I took to heart every evil nasty thing he said to me over the years. When you are told enough that you don't measure up...Believe me, you start to live it. Eventually you accept abusive behavior as something that you deserve. I am so proud of the woman I have become! The woman I am today requires no outside approval, acceptance, or validation! It 100% comes from within! I wish I had adequate words to describe the peace, empowerment, happiness that is a solid part of me 24/7. I am no longer a doormat. I easily shut down and walk away from abusive and hurtful words. If I could bottle this and give it away, I would in a heartbeat. To confidently know to the depths of my soul that I will never be treated poorly by anyone again in my lifetime, that I only require my own validation is the most liberating feeling imaginable. For the rest of my life, I will speak up for myself, I will draw firm boundaries, I will accept nothing less than to be treated in the manner I deserve. If someone can't respect that, they will be in my rear view. I no longer weigh my value based on others. I am free. Till next time, hugs to you and be good to yourself. xo

"SUCCESSFUL SPRING"

Yesterday was the last day of a successful semester. I feel like I'm on top of the world! My life is truly on the right path and I am moving at long last in the direction I should be. Out of the challenges and trials of the past few years since my separation and divorce a Phoenix has been born! I am so blessed! I have added "Phoenix" to my name on social media because it truly fits. I'm even thinking of having one tattooed on the back of my shoulder. I walked through the fires of hell that William Francis Connearney aka William Seamus McDonald lit around me and I rose from the flames and ashes of my old life. I am stronger, more confident and it is empowering! Out of 25 years of hell, I have truly gained so much! The greatest thing has been my return to school. Fulfilling my life long dream of becoming a writer feels so awesome! Thanks to my survival, I have my genre and tons of material. Writing self help/motivational books for women is what I'm meant to do! For a long time after Bill tried to kill me, I couldn't believe that I actually survived. I asked myself, how? Why? I am finally 100% sure I now have the answer. God gave me a gift and I now know to the depths of my soul what he meant for me to do with that gift. Earning my degree, fine tuning that talent feels so right. Thank you God for all you have given and shown me! I am so blessed! Till next time, love and respect yourself. Peace :)

"I MAY NOT BE PERFECT"

Half way down the blog on the side there is a yellow card. "I may not be perfect but, at least I'm not fake!" I embrace that saying and I live it! I own my mistakes and my failures. They made me who I am. I've been accused of being too honest by my son. That's something I take as a compliment. When you say what you mean and mean what you say, it's liberating. For too many years I didn't have the confidence to speak up for myself. I suppressed a lot of feelings. I only hurt myself. These days, I speak my mind and I don't care who likes it or not. I lose no sleep at night. Giving yourself childish nicknames, lying about yourself on dating sites, covering up your past with a name change, etc...What does that bring you in the end? Nothing real or long lasting. I am so ready to meet someone and build a relationship. Unlike other people, I am honest to a fault. Because I believe someone who can't or won't accept the whole honest package of me doesn't deserve even a sampling of the woman that I am. Strong, honest, loving, beautiful, loyal, respectful, fun, positive, and REAL! Until next time, take care of and love yourself!

Edit 5/14/16** You have no kids Bill! Remember? Your secret vasectomy took care of that. Stop claiming MY son! You think MY son is going to back you up when your girlfriend wants to meet him and his family? MY son! MY granddaughters! You lost all rights in the divorce! You were a stepfather. It's over now! Go to "church" and pray about it! Hahaha You've found religion?! That's rich! How often did I hear you put religion down over the years? "Religion is a fairytale for weak minded people" Too much to count accurately! Suddenly you've had an epiphany?! Fraud!

"I SAW YOU TODAY"

I happened to see Bill today. It was something I could have lived without. Following is the internal conversation between my head and my heart.
Heart: OMG there's Bill!
Head: So what? Yesterday's leftovers.
Heart: He's wearing a blue shirt. Remember what that does to his eyes?
Head: Yes, so? Remember the black heart within?
Heart: Being with him was predictable and familiar.
Head: Yes predictably boring, depressing, and hurtful.
Heart: I miss intimacy
Head: I don't miss or need superficial intimacy.
Heart: It's been a long time since someone has held me.
Head: I now know that he's a horrible lover. 10 minutes of no big deal. I have knowledge and experience that I didn't have before.
Heart: I'm tired of being patient. I want to open my heart to someone special. I want to build something new.
Head: Be patient. You walked down that broken road long enough. Don't think about that dead end. A worthy man is out
there. Never, ever settle! William Francis Connearney aka William Seamus McDonald didn't deserve me when he had me. He still is unworthy. He hasn't changed, I have. I'm worth so much more than he will ever be! Give it time!

**EDIT 5/8/16** Since my separation and divorce I have done a lot of work on the inner me. Going back to school and working towards my degree is a huge step in self empowerment. I have truly grown and found a me within the mix that I never dreamed existed. I'm at peace. I'm stronger and happier than I ever gave myself credit for. I also look for the positive in life these days. During my marriage, I was the polar opposite. However, I was married for 25 years. My head 100% knows I'm in a better place. Old habits (long-term marriages) are like a worn pair of shoes. Comfortable but, not always the best choice. My heart apparently still has that lingering habit. I continue to work on completely breaking it. The important thing is my head is in a good place and as long as I reason with logic instead of emotion, I'll be okay

"THINK WITH OUR HEADS NOT OUR HEARTS"

I believe I have always had a tendency to think with my emotions and my heart. These days, after a lot of personal experience and growth, I think with my head and logic. Occasionally when my heart tries to mourn what should have been, my head and logic keeps me grounded in reality. I know 100% that William Seamus McDonald will never ever change. I've seen proof of that on his dating profile. Reading it brought an instant reaction of pity and gratitude. Pity that he has learned nothing. Full of lies. It is the same old, same old. Gratitude that I not only escaped but, have grown and changed. As women in toxic relationships we may think/hope that we can change things. That we can fix what's wrong. Thoughts along these lines will only hurt us and hold us back. We can't fix broken or someone who doesn't want or desire change. We have absolutely no control over anyone but, ourselves! There is hope for ourselves! All it requires is strength, courage, and determination. The very first step is under our control. We must decide once and for all that, there is no reset button. Every one deserves to be valued and loved. Lately I've been thinking I'm ready to meet someone. I've also realized this time there are specific personality traits required. If I don't meet the right person, I won't settle!

"CELEBRATE"

When you find the strength and courage to make a change in your life overall, CELEBRATE! Throughout the road of healing ahead of you there is so much that you can and should.

Celebrate:
Recovering your true self.
Not being disrespected, devalued, and demeaned.
Rediscovering the happiness and positive in life again.
Living without abuse.
Being happy and at peace.
Finding your voice again.

Remember, life goes by in the blink of an eye. There is no reset button. We owe it to ourselves to get the most and the best out of it because we can't mulligan it. We deserve in return all that we give in this life. If you're in a relationship where you give and give and give some more and get nothing in return...Odds are, it's not where you should be! We all deserve respect, love, commitment, honesty, and happiness. Love yourselves enough to know that 100% Till next time, Health, Love, and Happiness! :)

"EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES"

Narcissists are in my opinion, the equivalent of emotional vampires. Stay with one long enough and they suck your emotional soul from you! Putting their needs and wants ahead of your own, bending over backwards to prevent the sword in their mouths from cutting you down with the verbal garbage they spew so well. Over time you start to believe their mental brainwashing. That you're not good enough. That it's always your fault. The anxiety and depression overwhelms you. You become a shattered soul. Maybe as in my case you become a raging bitch. Which only reinforces the screwed up messages they've painstakingly been laying down. You may begin to question your sanity. By the end of our marriage, I totally believed William Seamus McDonald aka William Francis Connearney's bullshit. I actually was convinced "I was a wretched bitch, that it all was my fault, that I was unlovable, etc..." Therapy was my savior! When you leave one of these emotional vampire's, it's so important to seek help from a therapist. The truth was, I did have issues within myself to work through. After all, would a healthy human being put up with abusive garbage for 25 years? NO! Because of therapy I realized, not only did I metaphorically marry my mother attempting to work out long ago issues from childhood, Bill was just as much to blame in the destruction of our marriage.

I truly was able to learn and believe that Bill was full of shit! It takes 2 to screw up a relationship! He was a TERRIBLE partner! Even though he will never admit it, it's enough that I now know it. That I no longer carry that shame and guilt. No matter what you say, no matter what you do, YOU CAN NEVER PLEASE A NARCISSIST! There was never anything wrong with my communication skills! That guilt alone tormented me for so long. I felt so inadequate. I doubted myself for so long. It was a beautiful moment in my healing to realize, it never mattered what I said or how I said it, BILL NEVER CARED! I am a great communicator! The problem was him all along! NARCISSISTS ARE HORRIBLE RECEIVERS! No matter what you say or how you say it, they will NEVER receive it! One actually has to care about other people's wants and needs to respect other's wants and needs. Narcissists have no such capability. Until next time, peace, love and respect yourself. :)

"LIFE LESSONS"

I have learned so much and come so far over the past 4 years. I've learned that I'm stronger than I ever thought or gave myself credit for. I have walked through the fires of hell and survived! I persevered through horrendous situations and I landed on my feet! I'm rebuilding my life from the bottom up and it feels GREAT! Brand new car, brand new job, and best of all...I've returned to school and am loving every moment. In 2 years after I've earned my degree in English, I hope to realize a life long dream of writing. Now that I have a definite genre in mind, I will do it! My future is bright and it belongs to me, myself, and I!

At this moment in time, meeting someone is the last thing on my mind. However, someday I know exactly what qualities he must possess. He must be able to see the positive and absolutely must love to laugh! He must be intellectual. Gift of debate...big plus! He must be honest and empathetic! I've done the abusive, egotistical, narcissist. No more of that crap! EVER! If I meet someone someday when the time is right, cool. If not, oh well. The main point is I will never allow someone like Bill Connearney aka William Seamus McDonald to EVER poison my life again! Life lesson learned!

Life is happy and peaceful! I will never give that away to someone so undeserving again. Anyone can achieve this happiness. All it takes is strength, determination, courage, and time. I can attest 100% it is worth it! Peace and love to all my readers! :)