"APPRECIATION, FORGIVENESS, MOVING ON"

Dear Bill Connearny,

I'd like to thank you for: Moving me to San Diego. Although the first year was tough, I grew to love it and I'm grateful that I spent my adult years here. For Patches. It truly touched my heart that you heard my offhand comment and went out and bought him for me. He was the best bunny and I loved him. For being there during my surgeries. I know taking time off of work isn't an easy choice for you. I appreciated the support during those challenges. I'm still embarrassed re: the ketchup bottle. I truly didn't mean for it to shatter. You were very patient. The Christmas that I became so deathly sick? I don't remember much of that time. I do remember you getting me cleaned up after work each day. Thank you for the 3 days of nursing that you gave me. Thank you for the greatest gift of all. Supporting my fostering. I know you thought I'd get it out of my system and that would be that. However, buying and setting up the nursery, coming to the cpr class, etc... I had the greatest gift in knowing, loving, and nurturing the greatest little girl ever born. My time was too brief with her but, I know she and I will meet again.

I forgive you for: getting a vasectomy behind my back and lying about it. I forgive you for always having to get your way. You are a selfish s.o.b. but, I stayed and put up with it. I forgive myself for that. I forgive you for the 3 severe beatings I suffered at your hands. The 12 days I lost due to my black eyes when you punched me in the face 3 times. When I had to stay home and hide what you had done. Even the last time when you almost killed me because I wouldn't leave at 2:30 in the morning. When I was so devastated and depressed over Ahmi that all I did was cry 24/7. Sorry I couldn't "just suck it up and move on." When my plea for you to just leave me alone resulted in your hands around my throat. Your thumbs trying to crush my windpipe. When you messed up my leg so bad I couldn't walk without pain for 6 months. One thing I'm sure of, no man will EVER put their hands on me again and remain free. Their ass will be in a cage within the hour. I forgive myself that your ass isn't rotting in prison. Letting you get away with attempted murder was not my finest moment. You tried to kill me but, I survived! I'm not afraid of much these days. I'm a hell of a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. I forgive all the put downs, the evil talk, the devaluing, and the dismissals. Because I now know, you are full of shit! You're not a healthy person. In the end, your opinions mean nothing. I know inside now, it takes 2 and I'm okay and getting stronger every day. It no longer matters that you take no responsibility. I no longer need your validation. You never will be healthy. I know that now. That's truly pitiful.

I'm grateful that: I no longer have to walk on egg shells. That I no longer slam my head into cement walls to release the anxiety, frustration, and stress I was living with. I'm grateful that I didn't cause serious damage to myself. As I had no sense of pain during those awful times. I'm grateful that your toxicity is gone from my life. That I'm no longer devalued, dismissed, denied a voice. That I no longer live with your passive/aggressive behavior. That I'm spared your criticisms. That I no longer have to listen to your constant exaggerations or bear witness to the victim act you play so well.

I'm continuing to work on forgiving you for: Turning your back on Ahmi. In the end, much too little, much too late. Your betrayal of me re: Genny Wrocklage. You threw me under the bus. 2 back stabbing, lying, little bitches! In the end, my first blog exposed her lying ass and stained her career. She's actually not a social wrecker anymore. Maybe I did some good after all. At least she no longer damages children! This blog exposes you as the devil from hell that you are! Too bad whining to Judge Brown got you no where! Sorry 100% true story of my life. I will continue to post and this blog will outlast both of us! I love the first amendment. God bless America! I don't regret warning T### about you. She seems very nice. After all she's survived, she didn't need your crap polluting her life. For the record, I didn't "wreck your life." You did with your lies! I told the truth! Something you know nothing about! The difference between the 2 of us? I had the proof to back up my words. When you tell the truth, life's a whole lot easier. Something you'll never understand. I am still working on trying to forgive you for the filthy lies you told in order to get your fake r.o. You've disrupted my life for 2 and 1/2 years. Took away my livelihood. Working with children is what I was born to do. You selfishly took that from me. Because of your sick need to be in control. Well, that ends in February. Thank God you admitted under oath during the divorce trial your illegal action re: the "evidence" If you even think about taking any action on the expiration of the fraud... Let's just say, I'm no longer suffering from major depression. Bring it on... You don't even get that the order of spousal support with no expiration was most likely to punish you. Judge Brown saw quite clearly in the end who the problem was. Who was continually lying to him. One day you will be nothing more than a passing shadow of a thought. On that day I will know that I am 100% finally free. You did your best in trying to destroy me and you failed! I have come through hell and I am stronger than I ever knew. You are the same old, same old. How sad is that? I pity and pray for you. Enjoy your empty life.

"CONTROLLING, SELFISH, STUBBORN"

I still remember Bill coming home one day and telling me we were moving to Escondido. A city about 45 minutes inland and to the north of San Diego. I understood that moving was something we needed to discuss/seriously consider. He was the only one working full time at the moment as I was home with Ahmi. I planned (and he'd agreed) that I'd stay home until she started school. Anyways, although I knew it and was open to discussing it, Bill wasn't having a discussion. "I'm the only one working. That's where my company is. That's where I'm looking." Never mind that it was his fault re: the mountain of debt he was carrying on his back. That he'd charged most of it on his own. Forget that Ahmi and I had activities and classes most days during the week in San Diego. So what if I didn't want to move to/live in Escondido. He'd made up his mind. There was no compromise. No discussion. Just like it had always been, it was Dictator Bill Connearney telling me how it was going to be. Something welled up inside of me and I refused to follow this time. I dug my heels in and told him "no way. We're not moving." I'd simply reached the end of my rope as far as him always telling me what we were going to do. I finally got sick and tired of his bullying. Little did I know, he still planned on having his way. It was only a few months later that he announced he was leaving me. True Bill Connearney attitude. He'd always choose having his own way over any rational, mature discussion. Not to say it wasn't for the best in the long run. I mean by that time, I completely planned to divorce his ass and move back to Boston. I was selfish too. I simply wanted Ahmi's adoption to be finalized. I hoped we could split once she was safely out of the system. However, Bill who supposedly, "loved her so much." Apparently didn't love her enough and he refused to give it just a few more months until that could happen. Yet, he "loved her so much."

"GETTING MARRIED"

So Bill moves to San Diego to join the Navy and time moves on. During those years I broke it off with Chris's dad and was going it alone. A month before Chris's 5th birthday, Bill came home on leave. We met up with each other and soon were spending all of our free time together. He's home for 2 weeks and it passes in a blur! During this time things moved way faster than they otherwise should have. He said he loved me and wanted me to marry him. I didn't say it back at first but, by the end of his leave I had. We planned that the following August, eleven months away, I'd fly out and visit him in San Diego. One huge concern I had, he'd stated that he wasn't ready for kids. Chris and I were a package deal. I didn't really see it going anywhere. He returns to his life in San Diego way too soon but, life goes on. We write and talk on the phone. Sometime within the first two weeks he calls and asks me to hear him out before responding. He's decided we shouldn't wait. That we should get married right away. That he misses me and wants me to be with him. I tell him "I'm sorry but, no. Chris is still part of the deal and you said you aren't ready for the responsibility." He says, he's done some thinking and he's changed his mind. I put him off for a few days. Looking back, I wished I'd stood my ground. I wish I'd noticed how he stressed getting more money from the Navy. In hindsight, I believe that was the inspiration for his "change of heart." We represented dollar signs. Maybe he had other factors in mind also. However, as I'd come to know, money means everything to Bill! Eventually I let myself be talked into it. I said yes and began to make plans for Chris and I to move from Massachusetts to San Diego. I had a little more than a month. It was the beginning of October. We'd be leaving on November 10th.