"THANK YOU RASCAL FLATTS"

During the more challenging times of my separation and divorce, "Stand" became my anthem. When I felt self pity or despair I would loop this song over and over. It gave me strength, determination, motivation and the courage to keep on going. I will be forever grateful to Rascal Flatts. They will never know the difference this song made to my very survival. I will carry it with me the rest of my days. I am a survivor and I celebrate myself and this song that inspired me through some very, very dark times. Music can help. I pray you all find your individual anthems. Until next time, peace, love and respect. :)

"INTRINSIC AND EXTRINSIC VALUE"

For the majority of my life I sought acceptance, validation, and approval from extrinsic (outside) sources. I believe this led to much disappointment and at times treatment from others that was not okay. Case in point, William Seamus McDonald aka William Francis Connearney aka Bill. I took to heart every evil nasty thing he said to me over the years. When you are told enough that you don't measure up...Believe me, you start to live it. Eventually you accept abusive behavior as something that you deserve. I am so proud of the woman I have become! The woman I am today requires no outside approval, acceptance, or validation! It 100% comes from within! I wish I had adequate words to describe the peace, empowerment, happiness that is a solid part of me 24/7. I am no longer a doormat. I easily shut down and walk away from abusive and hurtful words. If I could bottle this and give it away, I would in a heartbeat. To confidently know to the depths of my soul that I will never be treated poorly by anyone again in my lifetime, that I only require my own validation is the most liberating feeling imaginable. For the rest of my life, I will speak up for myself, I will draw firm boundaries, I will accept nothing less than to be treated in the manner I deserve. If someone can't respect that, they will be in my rear view. I no longer weigh my value based on others. I am free. Till next time, hugs to you and be good to yourself. xo

"SUCCESSFUL SPRING"

Yesterday was the last day of a successful semester. I feel like I'm on top of the world! My life is truly on the right path and I am moving at long last in the direction I should be. Out of the challenges and trials of the past few years since my separation and divorce a Phoenix has been born! I am so blessed! I have added "Phoenix" to my name on social media because it truly fits. I'm even thinking of having one tattooed on the back of my shoulder. I walked through the fires of hell that William Francis Connearney aka William Seamus McDonald lit around me and I rose from the flames and ashes of my old life. I am stronger, more confident and it is empowering! Out of 25 years of hell, I have truly gained so much! The greatest thing has been my return to school. Fulfilling my life long dream of becoming a writer feels so awesome! Thanks to my survival, I have my genre and tons of material. Writing self help/motivational books for women is what I'm meant to do! For a long time after Bill tried to kill me, I couldn't believe that I actually survived. I asked myself, how? Why? I am finally 100% sure I now have the answer. God gave me a gift and I now know to the depths of my soul what he meant for me to do with that gift. Earning my degree, fine tuning that talent feels so right. Thank you God for all you have given and shown me! I am so blessed! Till next time, love and respect yourself. Peace :)

"I MAY NOT BE PERFECT"

Half way down the blog on the side there is a yellow card. "I may not be perfect but, at least I'm not fake!" I embrace that saying and I live it! I own my mistakes and my failures. They made me who I am. I've been accused of being too honest by my son. That's something I take as a compliment. When you say what you mean and mean what you say, it's liberating. For too many years I didn't have the confidence to speak up for myself. I suppressed a lot of feelings. I only hurt myself. These days, I speak my mind and I don't care who likes it or not. I lose no sleep at night. Giving yourself childish nicknames, lying about yourself on dating sites, covering up your past with a name change, etc...What does that bring you in the end? Nothing real or long lasting. I am so ready to meet someone and build a relationship. Unlike other people, I am honest to a fault. Because I believe someone who can't or won't accept the whole honest package of me doesn't deserve even a sampling of the woman that I am. Strong, honest, loving, beautiful, loyal, respectful, fun, positive, and REAL! Until next time, take care of and love yourself!

Edit 5/14/16** You have no kids Bill! Remember? Your secret vasectomy took care of that. Stop claiming MY son! You think MY son is going to back you up when your girlfriend wants to meet him and his family? MY son! MY granddaughters! You lost all rights in the divorce! You were a stepfather. It's over now! Go to "church" and pray about it! Hahaha You've found religion?! That's rich! How often did I hear you put religion down over the years? "Religion is a fairytale for weak minded people" Too much to count accurately! Suddenly you've had an epiphany?! Fraud!

"I SAW YOU TODAY"

I happened to see Bill today. It was something I could have lived without. Following is the internal conversation between my head and my heart.
Heart: OMG there's Bill!
Head: So what? Yesterday's leftovers.
Heart: He's wearing a blue shirt. Remember what that does to his eyes?
Head: Yes, so? Remember the black heart within?
Heart: Being with him was predictable and familiar.
Head: Yes predictably boring, depressing, and hurtful.
Heart: I miss intimacy
Head: I don't miss or need superficial intimacy.
Heart: It's been a long time since someone has held me.
Head: I now know that he's a horrible lover. 10 minutes of no big deal. I have knowledge and experience that I didn't have before.
Heart: I'm tired of being patient. I want to open my heart to someone special. I want to build something new.
Head: Be patient. You walked down that broken road long enough. Don't think about that dead end. A worthy man is out
there. Never, ever settle! William Francis Connearney aka William Seamus McDonald didn't deserve me when he had me. He still is unworthy. He hasn't changed, I have. I'm worth so much more than he will ever be! Give it time!

**EDIT 5/8/16** Since my separation and divorce I have done a lot of work on the inner me. Going back to school and working towards my degree is a huge step in self empowerment. I have truly grown and found a me within the mix that I never dreamed existed. I'm at peace. I'm stronger and happier than I ever gave myself credit for. I also look for the positive in life these days. During my marriage, I was the polar opposite. However, I was married for 25 years. My head 100% knows I'm in a better place. Old habits (long-term marriages) are like a worn pair of shoes. Comfortable but, not always the best choice. My heart apparently still has that lingering habit. I continue to work on completely breaking it. The important thing is my head is in a good place and as long as I reason with logic instead of emotion, I'll be okay

"THINK WITH OUR HEADS NOT OUR HEARTS"

I believe I have always had a tendency to think with my emotions and my heart. These days, after a lot of personal experience and growth, I think with my head and logic. Occasionally when my heart tries to mourn what should have been, my head and logic keeps me grounded in reality. I know 100% that William Seamus McDonald will never ever change. I've seen proof of that on his dating profile. Reading it brought an instant reaction of pity and gratitude. Pity that he has learned nothing. Full of lies. It is the same old, same old. Gratitude that I not only escaped but, have grown and changed. As women in toxic relationships we may think/hope that we can change things. That we can fix what's wrong. Thoughts along these lines will only hurt us and hold us back. We can't fix broken or someone who doesn't want or desire change. We have absolutely no control over anyone but, ourselves! There is hope for ourselves! All it requires is strength, courage, and determination. The very first step is under our control. We must decide once and for all that, there is no reset button. Every one deserves to be valued and loved. Lately I've been thinking I'm ready to meet someone. I've also realized this time there are specific personality traits required. If I don't meet the right person, I won't settle!

"CELEBRATE"

When you find the strength and courage to make a change in your life overall, CELEBRATE! Throughout the road of healing ahead of you there is so much that you can and should.

Celebrate:
Recovering your true self.
Not being disrespected, devalued, and demeaned.
Rediscovering the happiness and positive in life again.
Living without abuse.
Being happy and at peace.
Finding your voice again.

Remember, life goes by in the blink of an eye. There is no reset button. We owe it to ourselves to get the most and the best out of it because we can't mulligan it. We deserve in return all that we give in this life. If you're in a relationship where you give and give and give some more and get nothing in return...Odds are, it's not where you should be! We all deserve respect, love, commitment, honesty, and happiness. Love yourselves enough to know that 100% Till next time, Health, Love, and Happiness! :)

"EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES"

Narcissists are in my opinion, the equivalent of emotional vampires. Stay with one long enough and they suck your emotional soul from you! Putting their needs and wants ahead of your own, bending over backwards to prevent the sword in their mouths from cutting you down with the verbal garbage they spew so well. Over time you start to believe their mental brainwashing. That you're not good enough. That it's always your fault. The anxiety and depression overwhelms you. You become a shattered soul. Maybe as in my case you become a raging bitch. Which only reinforces the screwed up messages they've painstakingly been laying down. You may begin to question your sanity. By the end of our marriage, I totally believed William Seamus McDonald aka William Francis Connearney's bullshit. I actually was convinced "I was a wretched bitch, that it all was my fault, that I was unlovable, etc..." Therapy was my savior! When you leave one of these emotional vampire's, it's so important to seek help from a therapist. The truth was, I did have issues within myself to work through. After all, would a healthy human being put up with abusive garbage for 25 years? NO! Because of therapy I realized, not only did I metaphorically marry my mother attempting to work out long ago issues from childhood, Bill was just as much to blame in the destruction of our marriage.

I truly was able to learn and believe that Bill was full of shit! It takes 2 to screw up a relationship! He was a TERRIBLE partner! Even though he will never admit it, it's enough that I now know it. That I no longer carry that shame and guilt. No matter what you say, no matter what you do, YOU CAN NEVER PLEASE A NARCISSIST! There was never anything wrong with my communication skills! That guilt alone tormented me for so long. I felt so inadequate. I doubted myself for so long. It was a beautiful moment in my healing to realize, it never mattered what I said or how I said it, BILL NEVER CARED! I am a great communicator! The problem was him all along! NARCISSISTS ARE HORRIBLE RECEIVERS! No matter what you say or how you say it, they will NEVER receive it! One actually has to care about other people's wants and needs to respect other's wants and needs. Narcissists have no such capability. Until next time, peace, love and respect yourself. :)

"LIFE LESSONS"

I have learned so much and come so far over the past 4 years. I've learned that I'm stronger than I ever thought or gave myself credit for. I have walked through the fires of hell and survived! I persevered through horrendous situations and I landed on my feet! I'm rebuilding my life from the bottom up and it feels GREAT! Brand new car, brand new job, and best of all...I've returned to school and am loving every moment. In 2 years after I've earned my degree in English, I hope to realize a life long dream of writing. Now that I have a definite genre in mind, I will do it! My future is bright and it belongs to me, myself, and I!

At this moment in time, meeting someone is the last thing on my mind. However, someday I know exactly what qualities he must possess. He must be able to see the positive and absolutely must love to laugh! He must be intellectual. Gift of debate...big plus! He must be honest and empathetic! I've done the abusive, egotistical, narcissist. No more of that crap! EVER! If I meet someone someday when the time is right, cool. If not, oh well. The main point is I will never allow someone like Bill Connearney aka William Seamus McDonald to EVER poison my life again! Life lesson learned!

Life is happy and peaceful! I will never give that away to someone so undeserving again. Anyone can achieve this happiness. All it takes is strength, determination, courage, and time. I can attest 100% it is worth it! Peace and love to all my readers! :)

"UNFORTUNATE RESULTS"

William Seamus Connearney aka William Francis Connearney raised my son from the age of 5. Unfortunately, my son picked up a few bad behaviors during his childhood. He has the tendency to try and project his bad decisions onto others. Tries to excuse bad choices. Tries to downplay my feelings. Fortunately, he does have empathy for others. Does eventually admit he's wrong and owns up to it. He also truly loves others more than himself. Also, fortunately, I have done a lot of healing and work on the inner me. I do now know how to set firm boundaries regarding behavior I will not tolerate from anyone. I am so thankful that because there is no biological connection...there is hope. New behaviors and habits take time to root. I will never give up on achieving that with my son. The moral of this posting, please be careful and choosy about whom or what you expose your children to. It will have long term repercussions. I love you Chris!

"NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS"

Happy New Year!

For 2016 I resolve:

Adriana well and cancer free!

I will not allow you any space in my brain! I've raised the rent and you are evicted!

Now that I can breathe again, I will spend 30 minutes on the treadmill at least 4x a week!

I wish all reading this a healthy, happy, loving 2016 :)

"THE BIGGEST LAUGH"

The other night I was looking through the matches my dating app had suggested. I came across your picture. I laughed and laughed! Out of curiosity, I looked at your profile. I found the same old tired bullshit! How sad that you haven't had any kind of wake up to reality. Good luck in your search. I really mean that. The fact is you will spend your life searching for something that simply doesn't exist. I put up with you way longer than any woman in her right mind would. Once upon a time I loved you with all I had. Then the years of being put down, called names, feeling no validation or respect from you took hold and turned me into a depressed, anxious, raging bitch. I wish you well but, the truth is, you already had the best you ever will. You had no appreciation or gratefulness. Empty people can never be filled. Not in a meaningful way! I'm so sorry for you. Good luck though. :(

"MERRY CHRISTMAS WILLIAM SEAMUS MCDONALD"

For myself, this has been a wonderful holiday season! I've got a brand new car and job. I'll be back in school soon. My future once again is hopeful, and belongs to me alone. I've healed, persevered, and survived the vile, evil things you brought to my life. I've overcome every nasty, ugly step you threw at me. Through it all I've grown, healed, discovered things about myself that are truly priceless! I'm sure you are the same old, same old. I'm so sorry for you. I hope you are content with all you wished for in life. All the damage that you wrought. May life deliver more than you wished, dreamed, yearned after. May you have all that you so rightfully deserve. Happy New Year! I survived and thrived! I already have received more than I could have ever imagined! I am so grateful and so blessed! xoxoxoxo

"THANKSGIVING AND THANKFULNESS"

I believe very strongly that Thanksgiving and thankfulness go together. It's important to be grateful for our blessings. This year was the first time since 2009 that I sincerely felt that holiday spirit. I am so blessed and so grateful for where my life is today. I went to pick up my brand new car on Black Friday. My brand new car that I obtained ON MY OWN! I smiled the whole way home. Saturday I started driving for Uber. This week I'll be taking my assessment tests. The semester starts in February. During my marriage and separation, William Seamus McDonald tried his best to crush and destroy me. He FAILED! I did slip downhill for a time. It was a struggle at times however, I can see the light! From the depths of despair to triumph! I quit smoking. I have a brand new car and job. I'm going back to school! LIFE IS AWESOME! My future is mine again! I have survived! I am so thankful!

"DEAR WILLIAM SEAMUS MCDONALD"

Dear Bill,
I would really appreciate the outstanding balance you owe me. I am starting school and I have a job waiting with Uber. I have been approved for a lease however I need $250 for the down payment as well as the $ to obtain the initial insurance in order to pick up my new Corolla. Why not close an old debt? My school grant will take time and I really hope to be back driving/working before the spring semester begins.
Sincerely,
Lynn

**To Whom it May Concern** I honestly have no expectation of ever receiving this money. I actually received a judgement long ago. Since it didn't suit Mr. William Seamus McDonald to pay this debt and since I didn't push it, I have no doubt... It will never be paid. Typical Narcissist, they pick and choose what laws they follow. I have survived and come so far, I have no doubt I will achieve my dreams. Mr. McDonald on the other hand, will still be the sorry, defective psychopath he always was and always will be. I pray for you Bill and I so deeply pity you. I hope you are enjoying your empty life.

"I AM SO GRATEFUL"

This morning I was reflecting on the upcoming holiday season. I realized how truly grateful I am towards William Seamus McDonald formally known as William Francis Connearney. I appreciate him and am so grateful for all he has given me. So without further ado.

Dear Bill, Thank you for wanting a divorce. Since our divorce and my healing journey, I have found a self confidence and self esteem higher than ever in my whole life! I am so grateful! No one puts me down or calls me filthy names. No one attacks my self confidence. I am so grateful. Where I was once chronically depressed and anxious, I am now infused with happiness and a positive attitude that has effected every aspect of my life in an upbeat way. I am so grateful! These days I only allow nontoxic people in my life. Today I understand setting clear boundaries. I am respected, valued, and loved. I am so grateful! In September of 2011 I was so broken. At the lowest point of my life, I began hanging out with the wrong people. People who used me, stole from me, and were generally going down the wrong path in life. For the first time in my life I began getting in trouble, I just simply didn't care for 2 years. Then one day, I woke up, looked around and my eyes were finally opened. I walked away from the people and the path I had detoured on. I began to embrace therapy, my 2nd chance, my freedom. I am so grateful. 4 years in and I could not be happier! My life is my own. I am trying to pay it forward. I have even once again quit smoking! Yay for me! This time I know I won't start again. Thank you Bill. For showing me how I should never be spoken to, disrespected, or abused...I am so grateful!

"IF ANYONE READING IS LIVING THIS LIFE"

Hello you. Yes, you reading this blog. I so desperately wish I could talk personally with each and every one of you. Is this your reality? Even bits and pieces? Narcissism can be and most likely is on a spectrum. Maybe all I've experienced, hasn't touched you. Or, maybe you're living with something more severe? You all matter to me. No one should have to live with abuse. We all deserve better. When I started this blog it was about healing. Taking my voice back. The Narcissist plays the perfect victim and Bill was no exception. Throughout the 2 years of our separation, he played it so well, he convinced the court to his side for awhile. Convinced the judge that I was the problem. Thank goodness in my case the truth came out in the end. Bill made 2 major mistakes. One, he got caught in 3 major lies to the judge. Two, we didn't have lawyers, so during our divorce trial, I was allowed to question him on the stand. Although he tried and tried to avoid answering my questions, after 20-25 minutes he had no choice and the truth came out. His fraud was exposed once and for all and I was granted lifetime spousal support. Of course in true Narcissistic form, "I'm a blood sucking leech." He'll never, ever admit to his lies and his role in that final judgement. That's not how they roll. A narcissist never accepts responsibility for their bad choices and bad behavior. That's okay. In the end, for me, it was about vindication in a court of law. I had moved past the need of validation or acceptance from him. I want to say something from the bottom of my heart to each and every reader, You are worthy, lovable, and you deserve respect. Leaving an abusive situation may seem scary, unthinkable, you may be afraid of being alone. You may have doubts regarding your abilities, etc... Please believe me, I had all those same doubts. I will not lie and say it was easy. Truth is, it was a bitch! There were days that were filled with sadness, doubt, and urges to just give up. However, somehow someway, I kept pushing on! I HAVE SURVIVED! I am strong! It took me 48 years to finally realize that about myself! Life has thrown it's best yet, I have survived it all. I am so happy, proud, and at peace. I AM WORTHY! I WILL NEVER ACCEPT LESS THAN I DESERVE AGAIN! I would like to invite anyone (female) interested to my community on Google+ "Finding The Happy Ever After" A safe, supportive, respectful community for females living with, leaving, or recovering from toxicity. Thank you for reading. God bless you all. I wish you peace! You deserve it.❤️❤️

"IT'S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU"

Narcissists believe that everything in life revolves around them. During my marriage, Bill's wants and needs were ALWAYS top priority. How he was affected by circumstance was ALWAYS top priority. The last time I saw him was July 8,2013 I was forced to take him to court because he'd illegally stopped paying me money he'd been ordered to by the court. He'd also skipped the state without paying me the judgement from our divorce. To this day, he still owes me $1400. $500 that he stole from my auto insurance (which he cancelled against the court's orders) $900 that I was awarded by the court in back spousal support. I've long since given up on collecting. You see Narcissists live under this delusion that the law doesn't apply to them. Bill's 2 main goals that day in court were, as usual, based on his selfishness. He tried for the 4th time to get out of the lifetime Spousal Support I was awarded in our divorce. DENIED! He also tried to get the court to order me to remove this blog. "She's ruining my life your honor" Thanks to my wonderful 1st amendment rights, also DENIED! You see Narcissists of the world, it's not always about you! Go ahead and live under your false sense of selves. The truth is: Everyone matters! We all have wants and needs that, surprise, surprise are just as important as yours are. The real world sees it that way! Not the abusive, inflated sense of self bullshit cloud that you live under. The world that matters, where all the normal humans reside. So William Seamus McDonald shove your cocky, inflated, narcissistic, evil, asshole attitude UP YOUR ASS! Don't ever underestimate the power of the truth! Oh sorry, you wouldn't know the truth if it bit you on the ass. Enjoy your screwed up delusions and your inflated ego! I'm just fine! In the real world! :-)

"HAPPY 51ST BIRTHDAY WILLIAM SEAMUS MCDONALD formally known as WILLIAM FRANCIS CONNEARNEY"

Well 4 birthdays now that we've spent alone. No big deal! Lord knows, that even though mine is only 6 days after you, not once did you ever remember mine! Anyways, I'd like to take this occasion to thank you. Four years ago on 9/15/2011 when we split for the final time, I thought my life was over. I'd lost Ahmi my heart and soul and you. I thought I'd hit the bottom. Little did I know, you were just getting started. Trying to kill me in May of 2011 was just the beginning for you. Starting that September and continuing throughout the 2 years of our separation, you gave it your all in trying to destroy me. You pulled out every filthy thing you could trying to crush me! As I look back on the last 4 years, I'm proud, grateful, and so blessed! Despite your greatest efforts, I've survived, thrived, regained who I once was! Alone I walked through the fires of your hell AND CAME OUT STRONG! I survived abuse, lies, loneliness, anger, fear, pain, devastating sorrow, devaluation and hatred. I emerged a strong, loving, and compassionate survivor! That feeling is PRICELESS! I'm sure that you are exactly as you were. As you'll always be. How sad is that? Thank you for the gifts you've given me. Because you trying your best to destroy me...Turned out to be the greatest gift you ever gave me! Happy Birthday William Seamus McDonald formally William Francis Connearney!

"MY HEALING JOURNEY"

As each day passes, I am more grateful and more proud. I look back on what I've endured. What I've overcome. What I've learned along the way. I accept and own my mistakes and my choices. I forgive myself for putting up with abusive behavior. For accepting that which should never be accepted by ANYONE! With every test and challenge I've faced and overcome since 9-15-2011, I've come to realize I am strong! Stronger than I ever realized or gave myself credit for. That is empowering!

"That which does not kill us, makes us Stronger.-Friedrich Nietzsche"

So very, very true! More than a few times, since I survived William Connearney's aka William Seamus McDonald's attempt to crush my windpipe with his thumbs in May 2011, I've questioned how, why? I'm so very grateful to be alive. However, I don't truly know how it happened! I couldn't get his hands off my neck that morning. I'd given up, accepted my impending death, and began to say goodbye to loved ones in my head. When the blackness began to invade my brain some hidden strength came from within, and with one last effort, I was able to breathe! Recently, I've found my purpose and in doing so, have answered my own questions. This blog was the first step in taking my voice back and towards healing. Starting a supportive community for others leaving, living, recovering from toxicity is my final step. If I can inspire, support, encourage one person to seek a happier, healthier future for themselves, I'm good with that! These days, I know my strengths and my weaknesses. I can and will set firm boundaries. I will NEVER allow any kind of abuse in my life AGAIN! I don't know what my future will hold however, I know 100% it will hold better than what I allowed in my past. Although, I'm not ready/looking for a relationship any time soon, If and when it happens, I know it will be RIGHT for me!