"ADDICTION'

Since my separation and divorce I've come to equate my marriage to Bill Connearney as an addiction. Although my head knows and accepts that I'm better off without him and his toxicity, my heart isn't always on board. I know one day when I think about him, a thought is all he'll be. That is when I will know I will finally be free of him and our past. After the final split I thought about our beginning. I came to some hard truths. In hindsight, I let myself get swept up in the fact that my long time secret wish was coming true. It was like a true life fairy tale. Although, I knew I should take things slow. I threw caution and common sense away too quickly. I'd developed a crush on Bill soon after the birth of my son. Of course I kept it to myself. As far as he or anyone else knew, we were just friends. About a year and half later he'd enlisted in the Navy and was gone. A few years passed, I was a single Mom. Busy with my life, raising a preschooler, working, etc... One day I happen to call his Moms looking for his sister and he picks up! I was thrilled and very surprised to hear his voice. I'd thought about him from time to time the past few years. Wondered how he was doing, etc... So we talked briefly and way to soon said our goodbyes. I thought about him a lot that night. The next afternoon I called his Mom's house under the pretext of once again seeking to speak wth his sister. Again he answered the phone and this time when we hung up, he would soon be stopping by my apartment. Long story shortened, we spent almost every moment of the next 2 weeks together. All too soon it was time for him to fly back to San Diego. It was the end of Sept,1987. We'd promised to stay in touch, write each other. Also discussed the possibility of me flying out to Ca in 2/1989 to visit when he returned from westpac. We'd also talked about kids. Bill had said that he didn't want kids until he was at least 30. At this time I thought we'd remain at friend level only and I was fine with that. I respected him for telling me. Of course, I was and always would be part of a package deal. Once he's back in SD, we talked all the time. One day in early Oct, he called and said that he's not going to hang up until he convinces me to move to SD and marry him! I started with, "I'm sorry, no". I reminded him about his statement re: children. He explains that he's given it a lot of thought. That he was wrong. That he was ready and wanted to be a family. So eventually, after a long time on the phone, I accepted his proposal. There's no rehab for this addiction of mine. Yes there's therapy. Been there, done that. Now, just the passage of time. It is easier with each passing day to divert my thoughts. Pull myself back into reality. An addiction as harmful as any other addiction. Unfortunately, there's no quick fix, no rehab, no 12 step program. Distance and time seem to be the only cure. Hmmm, rehab for one's heart, spirit, mind, and soul broken by divorce. Food for thought.

"GETTING MARRIED"

So Bill moves to San Diego to join the Navy and time moves on. During those years I broke it off with Chris's dad and was going it alone. A month before Chris's 5th birthday, Bill came home on leave. We met up with each other and soon were spending all of our free time together. He's home for 2 weeks and it passes in a blur! During this time things moved way faster than they otherwise should have. He said he loved me and wanted me to marry him. I didn't say it back at first but, by the end of his leave I had. We planned that the following August, eleven months away, I'd fly out and visit him in San Diego. One huge concern I had, he'd stated that he wasn't ready for kids. Chris and I were a package deal. I didn't really see it going anywhere. He returns to his life in San Diego way too soon but, life goes on. We write and talk on the phone. Sometime within the first two weeks he calls and asks me to hear him out before responding. He's decided we shouldn't wait. That we should get married right away. That he misses me and wants me to be with him. I tell him "I'm sorry but, no. Chris is still part of the deal and you said you aren't ready for the responsibility." He says, he's done some thinking and he's changed his mind. I put him off for a few days. Looking back, I wished I'd stood my ground. I wish I'd noticed how he stressed getting more money from the Navy. In hindsight, I believe that was the inspiration for his "change of heart." We represented dollar signs. Maybe he had other factors in mind also. However, as I'd come to know, money means everything to Bill! Eventually I let myself be talked into it. I said yes and began to make plans for Chris and I to move from Massachusetts to San Diego. I had a little more than a month. It was the beginning of October. We'd be leaving on November 10th.