"IT'S ALL ABOUT THE CONTROL"

It's a paradox I've never understood, regarding the type of control that Bill clings to. He was not jealous or possesive during our marriage. He never checked my phone, questioned me, etc... However, when it came to money, and/or major life decisions, he alone was in control. He made some major life decisions with no interest in my thoughts or opinions. For example, his bright idea one year after attending Ricoh school in LA for 2 weeks. He comes home and announces that he has a job offer from a classmate. This guy apparently owns his own business in the high desert. He's made some lofty promises regarding potential salary. He's made an offer that's too good to refuse, blah, blah, blah... Bill was supposedly going to make all this money. It was too great to pass up, yeah, yeah, yeah. He wouldn't listen to anything I had to say. He didn't care that his company had just spent thousands of dollars on the school he'd just attended. It was futile trying to have a mature conversation about it. He pretty much said, he didn't care what I did, he was going. If I didn't like it or agree, "there's the door." So we spend all this money on his impulsive whim. Pack up and move approx 3 and 1/2 hours North. For his "golden opportunity". It didn't take long for him to realize, he'd made a huge mistake! He was rehired by IKON w/in 2 months! Unfortunately it was at the branch in San Bernadino. Which was approx a 30-45 minute ride down the mountain pass that led away from the hell we were now trapped in!! This took place during the summer of 1993 till the following spring. Luckily, just as he had an offer from his former boss in San Diego, an insurance settlement I'd been expecting came through. Thousands of dollars on a hairbrained scheme. Because God forbid, Bill take the time to consider a decision and communicate as an adult rather than an impulsive jackass! Always, He has this obsessive need to be in complete control. When he got an idea into his head, there was no discussion, no consideration of any point of view but, his own. God forbid someone with common sense actually try to encourage him to act as an adult and consider all sides of a decision. Then again, wouldn't happen. When he gets a thought into his mind, he becomes almost manic. As if he needs to act quickly before something intefers with his chosen plan and prevents it from happening somehow. As I read over this posting, it makes complete sense that Bill Connearney acted the way he did. He's always valued money and possesions above all else. So it does make sense that he'd be a control freak re: money. He's an empty shell of a human being. I pity him.

"WAS IT ALL ME?"

When I think back on all the red flags over the years, I wonder what the hell I was thinking. I'm continuing to work on myself. Finding the answers inside of me. I acknowledge putting up with his crap all the years that I did tells me I still have work to do. We split for the final time in September of 2011. I've done a lot of contemplating, grieving, healing, and talking since then. My therapist was right the day he said to me, "we marry what we know." I'd never considered till that moment the similarities between Bill and my Mother! One thing I've learned and am very proud of, I'll never allow anyone to disrespect me like that again. I can 100% say that anyone who puts their hands on me is going straight to jail! I guess that's the silver lining I can walk away with. Ever since he blackened my eyes in September of 2009, I'd known that we were done. I won't go into it here but, I had my reasons for not throwing his ass in jail that night. For covering up what he'd done to me. Those who've read my original blog, Child Punishing Service, know the story and the price I paid. Anyways, all the put downs, criticism, and devaluing took their toll over time of course. I'd actually catch myself wondering if he was right. Was I evil? Were his ugly words accurate? NO!! He's a defective human being who can't accept/own up to his own shortcomings. I've learned and come to accept, he puts everything on others because to accept any responsibility is beyond him. I sometimes think about the love I used to feel. I think about the sweet, loving, special things he did over the years and how he wiped it all away with his diabolical, abusive, horrific behavior the last 2 and 1/2 years. I'm starting to realize, the moments of sadness these days aren't about Bill. It's the loss of what was supposed to be. I think that's a huge step for me. With each passing day I believe/accept, it takes two! All I ever asked for was validation, respect, and to come 1st half the time, that's not a lot! Bill Connearney, I pity you. You were wrong! All the bad things you would say about me, look in the mirror and repeat! You're EVIL, ABUSIVE, SELFISH, AND A LIAR! Anyone who values money above all, is an empty shell of a being! You're not a man! We don't erase or change the past through denial! You did try to kill me in the early morning hours of 5/5/2011! You put your hands around my throat, cut off my air flow, and tried to crush my windpipe with your thumbs! You're a BULL SHIT LIAR! I hope you rot in HELL!