"VALIDATION"

Well the 4th of last month was the 2nd anniversary of the divorce. March 15th marks 3.5 years since our final split. The paper of fraud expired last Thursday. At long last, that lie is off me! All the times Bill Connearney told ME I was evil?! I now know that was the Narcissist projecting his own self onto me! When we first split it was very tough. I was obsessed with the need of hearing him finally taking responsibility and apologizing for the evil things he’d done. I fantasized that he’d come to me, admit how wrong he’d been, apologize and I’d tell him to go straight to hell. One day my therepist asked me, “what do you need in order to close the door and move on?” I had my standard answer, I needed Bill to own his responsibility and apologize. Then that wise man would ask, “what if that never happens, then what? How can Lynn be okay?”

It took a little more work yet, eventually I was able to let it go. All those years of his evil words, my self doubt and guilt, gone. I finally realized that all of the put downs, manipulations, selfishness, minimizing, those are the traits of the Narcissist! That is the core of who Bill Connearney is.That’s who HE is. Honestly, I can yell, I'm very passionate. Especially when I feel attacked or when I feel ignored, not heard. However, when I’m validated, heard, and respected, that trait is non existent. So many years of thinking I was communicating wrong. I thought there was something wrong with me. That if I could just find the right words, he’d finally listen, hear me, and understand. There would be no more built up stress and anger inside of me. I finally came to understand that was total bullshit! Narcissists know how to play the game of projection, manipulation, and victim!

I finally was able to accept that it NEVER mattered! Because he NEVER cared! I NEVER had a chance. I’ve learned since those days, I have great communication skills. I know how to listen and hear others! Narcissists could care less what you have to say because in their eyes, your wants, needs, and feelings mean nothing to them. Back in the early years of our marriage, he’d get upset and blow up about something. He wouldn’t talk to me for 2-4 days. I didn’t realize back then that’s passive aggressive behavior and it’s abusive. It was horrible walking around on eggshells. Many times I’d take Chris and go spend the night at a friends. The quiet was unbearably lonely. I fled that silence many times. Then he’d get over whatever his issue was and finally speak to me. However, one stipulation, there was no discussion, If I tried to discuss my thoughts, feelings, point of view, he shut me down. “I’m over that, forget about it I have.” 20+ years of no validation, respect, empathy, etc... No wonder my closet finally exploded and I turned into a raging bitch!

These days I know how to set firm boundaries. No one tells me my feelings are wrong. No one calls me filthy names or tries to brainwash me. No one puts their hands on me in anger. I don’t need anyone’s validation. I’m worthy, smart, honest, loyal, and I will accept nothing but, the same in return. Life isn’t always easy. sometimes it’s a freaking bitch, I’m so much better than I was. NEVER again will I be a doormat! GUESS WHAT BILL CONNEARNEY? YOU WERE WRONG! IT WASN’T ME, IT WAS YOU! I NO LONGER NEED YOU TO VALIDATE THAT. I KNOW IT’S TRUE. I’M GOOD WITH THAT! Stay healthy and well. I may love again, I will NEVER remarry! You did so many evil things to me. Trying your best to crush me. Even tried to kill me. I survived! I’ll NEVER let you off the hook! Pay back can be a bitch! Take that to your grave! It’s payback for all the evil, underhanded tricks and lies that you threw at me from Sept 2011 until Aug of 2013. How’s it working for you? I know every payday you get a little knife twist in your gut. Good! You reap what you sow baby!

"WHAT'S TO MISS?"

I actually had started to write the previous posting entitled "Addiction" some months ago. Although my mindset has changed and grown in many ways since, I felt it was important to follow through on posting it.The vast differences between just these two posts alone show how far I've come. So in honor of my journey without further ado; What's to miss? Being put down and called horrible names? Not missed! Condescending, know it all attitude? Not missed! Inadequate sex? Not missed! Rigid, unyielding personal opinions and views? Not missed! Consistently being devalued, minimized, and dismissed? Not missed! Having my self esteem constantly in the toilet. Always feeling like I was worthless, unlovable, defective, second rate, and depressed? NOT MISSED! Bill Connearney plays a great victim! It's truly Oscar worthy! I felt like shit for so many years. I was so depressed and angry inside. Now I can only ask myself, "what the hell was wrong with me?" I miss nothing! He's a pompous, exaggerating, cruel, overbearing, opinionated, selfish, condescending, demeaning, evil, bastard! Life is so much better without poison in it! Narcissists are great at putting their wants and needs above all else. They can be manipulative, cruel, and self centered. For a long time I blamed myself for our problems. I'd tell myself I wasn't doing something right. That he'd listen, hear me, and understand my point of view if I communicated better. BULLSHIT! He was never going to do any of those things because he didn't want to or care to! The simple truth is Bill Connearney loves himself above all others. He was never going to listen, hear, or care no matter what I did or said. I never was, never would have been, that important. He's an empty shell of a human being and I'm grateful that I'm no longer on that merry go round!

"ANONYMOUS COMMENTS"

To Whomever left me a comment on Friday 1/24, "Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one." Since your comment had no relation to this blog, I've trashed it. I'm guessing you know Bill Connearney and have been sucked into his poor me act he plays so well. Know this, whatever you think you know about me, you know zip. Your useless comment doesn't change the fact that my blog is the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Bill Connearney is an abusive, controlling, evil, lying, Narcissitic, unforgiving p.o.s. human being! Until you've walked a mile in my steps STFU and MYOB! If you choose to believe his bullshit that's your prerogative. Just allow me to think you're an idiot who is easily manipulated. Thanks for the 5 minutes it took to leave your comment as useless as it was. I have a bridge for sale in San Francisco I'll let you have for a reasonable price. Let me know.

***04/17/2014*** I can back up everything I state re: my 25 year marriage. I own my mistakes and behavior. I don't pretend to be perfect or the ever suffering victim. In fact, I prefer to be a "SURVIVOR!" I am a survivor of mental, verbal, and physical abuse! Bill Connearney came very close to killing me. But, my will to live was stronger and luckily I was able to save myself. I SURVIVED! When he's playing the victim act he does so well, maybe he should remember, he's damn lucky not to be doing time for attempted murder! You see I can even admit that when the police showed up, I was a fool and minimized what had happened. He should keep that in mind when he's doing his pity party act. But, for me he'd be staring at nothing but, prison walls. Yet, he still had the balls to lie in court, manufacture evidence, try to wreck my life... Yeah nice upstanding citizen you're standing behind. Idiot! Your judgement means everything! Let me pour you a big cup of stupidity and please allow the door to kick you in the ass as you crawl back onto that high horse you rode in on. Loser!

"EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE"

January 9th 2013, I'd spent a good part of that day babysitting a friends 2 young children. I hadn't felt that great when I woke up that morning. By the evening, I was very sick with the flu I'd caught from the baby. High fever, body aches, chills, and a head that felt too heavy and big for my body. I couldn't stand the thought of sleeping in my car as sick as I was. I made the fateful decision to beg Bill Connearney for even a small part of the thousands that he owed me. At the time, he was acting very much like a prick re: paying me what he'd been told to by the Judge. However, still the optimist back then, I called him and explained how sick I was. I beg him for just enough to get a hotel room so I can lay down on a bed. ***Side note*** I found out recently that he totally lied on FB. Posting on his wall that I'd gone to his apartment, was screaming, banging his door, etc... Unequivocally, BULL SHIT!! I never went near his apartment that night! May I be struck down dead! I suppose the truth; that I'd called begging him for something of the money that he owed me. That I was very sick with the flu, would have exposed him as the A$$hole that he is. On the phone he say's,"Okay let me put some clothes on and I'll be there." I was still very much the idiot! Because next thing I know, the cops are behind my car (I was parked in a parking lot of a hotel I'd stayed at before). Now, I admit I did a very stupid thing. I put a pair of scissors to my throat and said I'd rather die than go to jail. Long story short, while one of the frucking pigs talked and pretended to be sympathetic to me, they busted out my front windows and tasered me. I get it, threatening your life in front of the cops isn't the smart thing to do. However, what kind of a complete scumbag piece of shit do you have to be to do what he did? All I wanted was some of my money so I could lie down on a bed. Yet, he sets me up and then lies about the whole incident on Facebook! Then, get this one, he has the balls to say I was released after serving 10 days of a 4 month sentence and that I'D BEEN TOLD TO ATTEND 52 WEEKS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CLASSES!! Complete and utter BULLSHIT! 1st of all, I served 10 days as a violation. For calling him. 2nd of all, I've never been told to take DV classes! I have 52 weeks of counseling in order to heal myself. To explore why I allowed him to treat me so badly. Hopefully to avoid allowing anyone to treat me the way he did again. After all, I'm not the one who was arrested on a domestic violence charge. That would be Bill! I thought it was pathetic for him to even have the nerve to say that. He can lie all he wants, he knows somewhere inside where he hides the truth, that he's the abuser. He's also a better liar than I am. The only reason he has that stupid paper in the 1st place is because he's a great liar. He plays a great victim! His performances are Oscar worthy! "Oh, I'm such a good guy and she's such a bitch. Poor me! Boohoo!" He's so fake. The more I see from a distance, the more I realize, he's a nasty, mean, evil bastard! I'm so much better off without his poison in my life. I realize more every day that he completely sucked everything out of me. Everything always revolved around him. His wants, his needs, his moods, etc... He's an emotional vampire! I never realized how damaging it was until I was away from him.

"FORGIVENESS AND MOVING ON"

A friend who's opinion I do value and respect, thinks I should forget about filing a civil suit against Bill. That it's time to put it behind me and move on. I respect her opinion. However, this time it's wrong. I need to do this last thing. Over the past, nearly 3 years, Bill has; (1) Cost me my baby love. A large chunk of my heart and soul were lost in January 2011. He may have blown it all off."Sucked it up and moved on," I love her! I don't have the gift of throwing away people and pets who aren't convenient in the moment. Unlike Bill Connearney I don't value money above all else. (2) He exploited my devastating pain and grief. He secretly, illegally recorded a conversation in which he put words in my mouth, basically entrapping me. In normal circumstances I never would have said I'd shoot him in the head. He harassed me on that tape. Repeating himself over and over until he got me to agree with him. (3) Then he got away with trying to kill me. He left me with a horrible injury that he never took responsibility for. In fact over time, he changed his reality to where, he had nothing to do with it! I WENT TO FRUCKING JAIL! Never been in trouble until the bastard stood up in court and lied through his teeth! I can't work in my field because of him! No much as I love my friend, he still needs a monetary lesson that will follow him to the grave! He's an evil, selfish, abusive, vindictive bastard. Bill Connearney needs to pay in some way for the wrong he's done! It's the principal of everything. I'm going for $50,000 and the bastard is lucky I'm holding myself back! In CA, if you secretly record someone and then use it in court against them, under state law, you're liable for any and all damages! No suing him will be the end. I need him to be punished by the court. He's put me through hell. Systematically tried to destroy me. The one thing he cares about is his wallet. I want justice in front of the court. I deserve it! The bastard put his hands on me on 3 different occasions. The last 2 times, he caused horrible, devastating injuries. Yet, he lies and get's a restraining order? Bullshit! He needs to pay restitution for what he's done. I'm confident the court will see it my way. Once I get a judgement that will hang over his head the rest of his life, I'll forgive and forget. The S.O.B has never shown any remorse, maturity, or fairness. Why the hell should I continue to show him any? From the beginning I tried to act like an adult and just wanted things to be fairly split. Bill Connearney is the one who wouldn't have it. Well as the saying goes,"He made his bed, let him lie in it!"

"OH NO, OH NO, BACK TO COURT WE GO"

Strange, somehow I had thought when the divorce was final, we would be. Not so grasshopper. Seems Bill is never going to follow the courts orders willingly in regard to spousal support. That's why he's actively trying to trash me in the Massachusetts courts now that California courts have caught on to him! It's ridiculous that the sob thinks he's above the law! I've got news for him, I'm not giving up. About to file contempt charges and a small claims case against him. It sucks that I have to once again take up the courts time however, I won't give up! Bill is so freaking delusional! He seems to feel he can do whatever the hell he wants! He's tried and failed four times to have my spousal support cut off. This last time the Judge told him it wasn't going to happen. That he'd followed the guide lines and that was that. "Pay her" were his exact words. Bill Connearney has once again blown him off and it appears he has no intention of following the judges orders. Well time to instigate contempt charges. Maybe if his ass goes to jail, it will finally sink in!
p.s. If you're dating and or thinking about dating someone named Bill Connearney? If you goggled his name and you're now reading this wondering if he's one and the same? If he's covered with tattoos. If he has a brother Paul, 2 sisters Jean and Nancy, it's a match! Woman to woman, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN! He may act charming and all that, IT'S ALL A LIE! He's an evil. selfish bastard! Beware! Condolences and best of luck to you!

"YOU WRECKED MY LIFE"

Those were the last words Bill said to me after court on July 8th. A true Narcissistic typical Bill Connearney statement! Let's review; My precious girl had been placed with the substitutes. I did cover up the Domestic Violence when he punched me in the face 3x. blackening my eyes for 12 days. I take full responsibility of hiding that for 15 months. However, it doesn't take freaking rocket science to figure out, IT NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED IN THE FIRST PLACE!! To make it worse, when the wreckers asked him about it, the PUSSY lied! That's right Bill Connearney lied! He claimed we'd had an argument, he'd dropped me off, when he came home later, I had the injury to my face! I'd love to know the scenario where I could possibly injure myself so severely? We're talking thick black and purple bruising the whole top half of my face! I looked like Rocky Balboa! So, I lost my heart (Ahmi), She went through traumatic emotional upheaval that will possibly effect her the rest of her life. The bastard tried to kill me. Left me with a devastating injury to my leg that took months to heal. Lied to the court, faked evidence, obtained a protective order that he's used as a tool to control, abuse, and manipulate. He's put me in frucking jail just because he's an evil, vindictive bastard. I've been homeless. I'm unable to work in the field I love due to his paper of fraud. I have a frucking record because of him. Yet, I wrecked his life? Just goes to show what a egotistical, selfish, evil, abusive bastard he is! God, how could I have put up with his sorry ass for so many years? What a son of a bitch he is! I'm grateful that I have finally woken up. The piece of crap was always on my case re: the black depression I fell into for a year after losing Ahmi. Since he'd cancelled my health insurance as of 1/1/11 I had no resources to seek help. If you know anything about depression, the longer you wait to get help, the worse it gets. Anyways, the prick had the attitude that I,"should suck it up and move on." As if crying 24/7 was a choice I made or something I enjoyed! Anyways, now that I'm in remission, I thank God everyday that Depression is treatable w/ meds and therapy. Personality defects like Narcissism, no hope/help. I'd much rather be depressed! The pitiful thing to me is, he isn't capable of understanding that there's something wrong with him. That's sad and creepy! I say, "Fuck narcissists! They'll bring nothing good to your life!" Unless you don't mind putting their wants and needs above your own 100% of the time. If you don't mind being minimized and dismissed. If you want to always be second class in the relationship, avoid narcissists like the Black Plague!

VINDICTIVE EVILNESS

There's a lot to the story behind this posting. I'm going to try to tell it all without confusion. Please bear with me. In late summer of 2010, soon after Bill had moved out, I played a trick involving our truck. One afternoon, A friend and I drove to Bill's apartment complex and using my key, I drove the truck back to San Diego and parked it down the street from the house. Bill obviously was not happy. He tried to report me to the police for STEALING the truck. Too bad for him; (1) I had a key. In CA, if you have a key, it's assumed you have permission to be in possession of said vehicle. (2) I was still his wife and it was community property. Bottom line they wouldn't get involved. He found it almost immediately and in fact took it back within days. However, he kept a club on it after that.
Sometime around December of that year, he made his first attempt at obtaining a restraining order. The Judge at that time was slightly smarter than the one who came after. After hearing Bills weak, no basis case, he instead ordered a 4 month emotional cool off period. For both of us! Less than 2 months later, Bill was enraged when this same judge granted my spousal support order. I believe he had ulterior motives when he phoned soon after I was granted the temp. order. He asked me to move in to his apartment saying, "let's try to save our marriage." I believe in hindsight he already had a other ideas. He already planned to set me up or to try and discredit me. Hoping to get out of paying me the ordered support. It was early Feb. 2011 I was devastated re: the loss of Ahmi. I was falling deeper into the blackest cave of depression with each passing day. It was during this 1st month that Bill secretly recorded me. On the tape, which he'd use the following Feb to obtain his fake r.o., I'm crying and mostly repeating over and over,"get my baby back. Please just get my baby back." While he's trying to entrap me by asking over and over,"what will you do to me? Shoot me in the head? I guess at the end I finally agree with him. Not only would the bastard use it 12 months later, he lied in court and presented it as recent.
In the beginning he asked nearly everyday if I'd gone and cancelled the divorce papers. I've no doubt he simply wanted to be the petitioner. I'm guessing in his messed up logic, that was a way out of paying me. In Bill Connearney's mind, I didn't deserve anything. Even though I worked the majority of the marriage and he insisted on half of whatever I took home, I was paying rent not contributing to the household. That's how the Asshole referred to my money, as rent! Whenever I'd voice an opinion re: the mountain of debt he kept over our head, he'd say the same thing. "Don't worry about it. I pay the bills. Just pay your rent." Too bad the judge didn't see it that way, seeing as half the value of said debt came out of my final property division! Of course, during the summer of 2011, after he tried to kill me, when I was unable to work, he missed my money! Being the bitch that I can be, I asked him several times, ”You've always minimized my monetary contribution. Now that you don't have it, how's that working out for you?" So many years the bastard blew off anything I had to say re: finances. I felt minimized, like I was nothing. So, yes I admit there was a petty satisfaction in rubbing that in his face. In fact, it wasn't working out for him at all.
He was getting more pissed off by the day. In true Bill Connearney style as summer passed, he somehow rewrote his role/responsibility re: my injury. The fact that I was laid up, had limited mobility for months, was unable to get proper medical care, and had lost my job opportunity working as a teacher for HeadStart became choices I made. Must be nice to be so delusional. Don't like something in your history? Regret something you've done? Black it out! Deny, deny, deny. Over time, in your own mind at least, it will become as you wish, a fantasy that feels better than the cold hard truth of reality. Even the pain I went through, the horrendous, slow recovery, was an act!! Anyone reading this who's torn their ACL or Meniscus will know the pain I'm talking about. Now, imagine, no pain meds, no physical therapy, and middle age. A situation I'd never wish on anyone. Because of my age, it's healed as well as it ever will! I try not to dwell on the pain I'm going to feel 10-15 years from now.
Fast forward to Feb 2012. I was homeless living in my car. Even though the SOB had cashed out one of the retirement accounts by this time. He never said a word nor offered me any of the money. Which by the way, was half mine! I'd park and hang out somewhere near his apartment a lot of the time. It was gated so I felt pretty safe. Well, one night while he was at the bar, I noticed the club wasn't on the steering wheel. Since my car was very low on gas, I decided I just might drive the truck. When he came home and saw me sitting in it, he freaked. First thing he asked,"How'd you get the club off?" When I told him he'd left it off, he was mad at himself. So he invites me to walk the dogs and after locking the club in the trunk of my car, I do. No big deal we walk them, talking the whole time. small talk but, no big deal, no acrimony. The next day it's a miserable rainy day. The kind of day that we don't see often in Southern CA. He comes home and gave me some leftover carne asada fries from 2 days before, Super Bowl Sunday. Next thing I know the cops are there to serve me with a temporary r.o.! The rotten piece of shit had gone to court, claiming to be in fear of me! First of all, anyone who knows us, would know what a crock of crap that is! He outweighs me by 100lbs and benches 250+. I suppose he couldn't tell the truth however. "Your honor, I don't want her taking my truck" wouldn't have quite the response he was looking for!
I foolishly never filed a response. I thought back to the year before, knowing there was no valid reason for him to be granted a r.o. I believed he'd once again be denied. Little did I know, Bill was planning for things to get very, very dirty! He lied to the judge, manufactured evidence and guess what his grand finale was? The secret tape he'd recorded the year before. I guess the judge was drunk or on drugs that day. He accepted that tape as evidence even though there was no time stamp AT ALL!! He overruled my objection when I brought that to his attention. Yet, my evidence of the DV and Bills arrest from May 2011 were deemed too old!! So the prick got what he wanted. Finally he had a piece of paper that helped him feel more in control. It's a severe travesty and a slap in the face to all those who really are affected by Domestic Violence. That's just one example of his vindictive evilness!

"WAS IT ALL ME?"

When I think back on all the red flags over the years, I wonder what the hell I was thinking. I'm continuing to work on myself. Finding the answers inside of me. I acknowledge putting up with his crap all the years that I did tells me I still have work to do. We split for the final time in September of 2011. I've done a lot of contemplating, grieving, healing, and talking since then. My therapist was right the day he said to me, "we marry what we know." I'd never considered till that moment the similarities between Bill and my Mother! One thing I've learned and am very proud of, I'll never allow anyone to disrespect me like that again. I can 100% say that anyone who puts their hands on me is going straight to jail! I guess that's the silver lining I can walk away with. Ever since he blackened my eyes in September of 2009, I'd known that we were done. I won't go into it here but, I had my reasons for not throwing his ass in jail that night. For covering up what he'd done to me. Those who've read my original blog, Child Punishing Service, know the story and the price I paid. Anyways, all the put downs, criticism, and devaluing took their toll over time of course. I'd actually catch myself wondering if he was right. Was I evil? Were his ugly words accurate? NO!! He's a defective human being who can't accept/own up to his own shortcomings. I've learned and come to accept, he puts everything on others because to accept any responsibility is beyond him. I sometimes think about the love I used to feel. I think about the sweet, loving, special things he did over the years and how he wiped it all away with his diabolical, abusive, horrific behavior the last 2 and 1/2 years. I'm starting to realize, the moments of sadness these days aren't about Bill. It's the loss of what was supposed to be. I think that's a huge step for me. With each passing day I believe/accept, it takes two! All I ever asked for was validation, respect, and to come 1st half the time, that's not a lot! Bill Connearney, I pity you. You were wrong! All the bad things you would say about me, look in the mirror and repeat! You're EVIL, ABUSIVE, SELFISH, AND A LIAR! Anyone who values money above all, is an empty shell of a being! You're not a man! We don't erase or change the past through denial! You did try to kill me in the early morning hours of 5/5/2011! You put your hands around my throat, cut off my air flow, and tried to crush my windpipe with your thumbs! You're a BULL SHIT LIAR! I hope you rot in HELL!