"MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY part 2"

If you have been or if you are currently involved with a Narcissist, you're self esteem is most likely severely damaged and/or lacking. No matter what I did or said, it never seemed to be good enough. In the early years, my paycheck was the constant target. He constantly bitched about my wages. As the years passed, I went back to school, got a lot of work experience on my resume. Finally due to the experience and training, I was doing what I loved earning a salary that I was happy with. Bill seemed satisfied. As long as he got his cut twice a month, life was peaceful for a while. Although from time to time he'd bitch about the wear and tear on my car, I always tuned him out. I loved my job and nothing was going to jeopardize it! Unfortunately as the kids grew older, my work days grew shorter. Although I still made a decent wage Bill began to bitch about the shorter hours. He'd often suggest it was time to look for another position. I simply ignored his comments. I'd been with the family nearly ten years by this time. I made decent money and enjoyed a few benefits I wasn't willing to give up. There was however one problem, the mountain of debt Bill had built up over the years. The debt I'd never had a say in, was starting to take it's toll. My bitchy side felt little empathy. I'd begged him so many times over the years to slow down, practice some self control. He never respected nor cared about what I had to say. "I pay the bills. Don't worry about it. Just pay your rent!" Devalued, minimized, silenced. So it was hard to feel any sympathy for him. All the years I had no voice. My attitude basically was,"you made your bed, lie in it." If I could have foreseen the impact of his stress and the toll it would take, I wouldn't have dismissed it so easily. Well, as the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20. One day he announces that we're going to move to Escondido. A city 45 mins North inland from San Diego. Red neck, tweakerville. I understood that he worked in Escondido. That he had a long commute every day. I was willing to discuss moving. However, I wanted to discuss a compromise. Ahmi and I had Mommy and Me classes. She was in gymnastics and swimming lessons. The way I saw it there were options and why couldn't the move be convenient for all of us? Nope! In true Bill Connearney style, it was going to be his way or the highway. No discussion allowed! After so many years, I pushed back for once. Told him to forget it. I should have known better. Within 2 months he'd announce that he was leaving me. As always he'd do as he wished and the hell with anyone who might get in the way. I'd actually just been biding my time till the adoption was final. When Bill punched me in the face in September of 2009 I had decided it was over. As soon as Ahmi was safely out of the system, I had planned to move back to Boston and build a new life for her and I. I only wanted my girl. Turned out, Bill would only think about himself. In the end, I lost my girl to the substitutes and he lost all his money to me!

"CONTROLLING, SELFISH, STUBBORN"

I still remember Bill coming home one day and telling me we were moving to Escondido. A city about 45 minutes inland and to the north of San Diego. I understood that moving was something we needed to discuss/seriously consider. He was the only one working full time at the moment as I was home with Ahmi. I planned (and he'd agreed) that I'd stay home until she started school. Anyways, although I knew it and was open to discussing it, Bill wasn't having a discussion. "I'm the only one working. That's where my company is. That's where I'm looking." Never mind that it was his fault re: the mountain of debt he was carrying on his back. That he'd charged most of it on his own. Forget that Ahmi and I had activities and classes most days during the week in San Diego. So what if I didn't want to move to/live in Escondido. He'd made up his mind. There was no compromise. No discussion. Just like it had always been, it was Dictator Bill Connearney telling me how it was going to be. Something welled up inside of me and I refused to follow this time. I dug my heels in and told him "no way. We're not moving." I'd simply reached the end of my rope as far as him always telling me what we were going to do. I finally got sick and tired of his bullying. Little did I know, he still planned on having his way. It was only a few months later that he announced he was leaving me. True Bill Connearney attitude. He'd always choose having his own way over any rational, mature discussion. Not to say it wasn't for the best in the long run. I mean by that time, I completely planned to divorce his ass and move back to Boston. I was selfish too. I simply wanted Ahmi's adoption to be finalized. I hoped we could split once she was safely out of the system. However, Bill who supposedly, "loved her so much." Apparently didn't love her enough and he refused to give it just a few more months until that could happen. Yet, he "loved her so much."

"YOU WRECKED MY LIFE"

Those were the last words Bill said to me after court on July 8th. A true Narcissistic typical Bill Connearney statement! Let's review; My precious girl had been placed with the substitutes. I did cover up the Domestic Violence when he punched me in the face 3x. blackening my eyes for 12 days. I take full responsibility of hiding that for 15 months. However, it doesn't take freaking rocket science to figure out, IT NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED IN THE FIRST PLACE!! To make it worse, when the wreckers asked him about it, the PUSSY lied! That's right Bill Connearney lied! He claimed we'd had an argument, he'd dropped me off, when he came home later, I had the injury to my face! I'd love to know the scenario where I could possibly injure myself so severely? We're talking thick black and purple bruising the whole top half of my face! I looked like Rocky Balboa! So, I lost my heart (Ahmi), She went through traumatic emotional upheaval that will possibly effect her the rest of her life. The bastard tried to kill me. Left me with a devastating injury to my leg that took months to heal. Lied to the court, faked evidence, obtained a protective order that he's used as a tool to control, abuse, and manipulate. He's put me in frucking jail just because he's an evil, vindictive bastard. I've been homeless. I'm unable to work in the field I love due to his paper of fraud. I have a frucking record because of him. Yet, I wrecked his life? Just goes to show what a egotistical, selfish, evil, abusive bastard he is! God, how could I have put up with his sorry ass for so many years? What a son of a bitch he is! I'm grateful that I have finally woken up. The piece of crap was always on my case re: the black depression I fell into for a year after losing Ahmi. Since he'd cancelled my health insurance as of 1/1/11 I had no resources to seek help. If you know anything about depression, the longer you wait to get help, the worse it gets. Anyways, the prick had the attitude that I,"should suck it up and move on." As if crying 24/7 was a choice I made or something I enjoyed! Anyways, now that I'm in remission, I thank God everyday that Depression is treatable w/ meds and therapy. Personality defects like Narcissism, no hope/help. I'd much rather be depressed! The pitiful thing to me is, he isn't capable of understanding that there's something wrong with him. That's sad and creepy! I say, "Fuck narcissists! They'll bring nothing good to your life!" Unless you don't mind putting their wants and needs above your own 100% of the time. If you don't mind being minimized and dismissed. If you want to always be second class in the relationship, avoid narcissists like the Black Plague!

"THE EVIL INSIDE"

This next posting jumps 23 years into the present. I'd thought to tell my story in an ordered fashion however, "the best laid plans..." Please forgive my jump ahead. The next few postings will be based on more recent events. I'm also going to mention incidents that occurred as they pertain to the posting. Although some I will elaborate on at a later time. So Bill moved out 8/1/10. Most weekends he still came to take Ahmi and the dogs to the beach. She looked forward to it all week. Although he sometimes came by to read her bedtime stories and tuck her in during the week, Saturday was her, "special time w/ Daddy." I was glad he did this. It was a routine she counted on, it was some continuity during a very confusing time for her. She loved Bill and he seemed to care about her. Until that late summer, early fall in 2010, she'd thrived having 2 parents who doted on her, a routine she counted on, and all the love and attention she needed. Having studied child development in school, I know that, it is important that children have both a Mom and Dad involved in their lives. Dads contribute to their children's lives in a much different but, equally important way than Moms do. Research has shown children who have no Dad involved in their upbringing are at greater risk for, delinquency, drug use, teenage pregnancy https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/usermanuals/fatherhood/chaptertwo.cfm Anyways, I'd always respected how Ahmi felt about Bill and the relationship she had w/ him. Never talked negative about him, etc... Not long after he moved out, I became aware that in response to Ahmi's natural questions re: him not living with us anymore, he was telling her, "it's because Mommy is evil that I can't live with you baby." What kind of a selfish bastard say's things like that to a 3 year old? Despite my repeated requests that he not put her in the middle, that he stop saying inappropriate things to her, he wouldn't. His mouth vomiting bullshit was apparently more important than what was best for Ahmi. One weekend he was mad at me and didn't show to pick her up. She didn't say much but, was very quiet. As the weekend went on, I could see her pain. She was easily moved to tears which was very unlike her. On Sunday I tried and tried to call Bill. He refused to answer the phone until late afternoon. I told him it really sucked that he was punishing Ahmi because he was mad at me. I didn't have to speak to him or even look at him. He just couldn't get it that he was punishing Ahmi. That she was hurting. All the selfish bastard could say was that he was p.o'd at me. That it had "nothing to do with Ahmi." Yet, he professed to love her so much! SMUCK! I hated him for hurting her like that! Later when we lost her, she'd repeated his "Mommy's evil statements" to the social worker, he acknowledged to them it hadn't been right to say that but, he didn't mean it or care! He said what they expected him to say, not what he believed! Typical Bill Connearney always putting his wants and needs at the top of the priority list!