"APPRECIATION, FORGIVENESS, MOVING ON"

Dear Bill Connearny,

I'd like to thank you for: Moving me to San Diego. Although the first year was tough, I grew to love it and I'm grateful that I spent my adult years here. For Patches. It truly touched my heart that you heard my offhand comment and went out and bought him for me. He was the best bunny and I loved him. For being there during my surgeries. I know taking time off of work isn't an easy choice for you. I appreciated the support during those challenges. I'm still embarrassed re: the ketchup bottle. I truly didn't mean for it to shatter. You were very patient. The Christmas that I became so deathly sick? I don't remember much of that time. I do remember you getting me cleaned up after work each day. Thank you for the 3 days of nursing that you gave me. Thank you for the greatest gift of all. Supporting my fostering. I know you thought I'd get it out of my system and that would be that. However, buying and setting up the nursery, coming to the cpr class, etc... I had the greatest gift in knowing, loving, and nurturing the greatest little girl ever born. My time was too brief with her but, I know she and I will meet again.

I forgive you for: getting a vasectomy behind my back and lying about it. I forgive you for always having to get your way. You are a selfish s.o.b. but, I stayed and put up with it. I forgive myself for that. I forgive you for the 3 severe beatings I suffered at your hands. The 12 days I lost due to my black eyes when you punched me in the face 3 times. When I had to stay home and hide what you had done. Even the last time when you almost killed me because I wouldn't leave at 2:30 in the morning. When I was so devastated and depressed over Ahmi that all I did was cry 24/7. Sorry I couldn't "just suck it up and move on." When my plea for you to just leave me alone resulted in your hands around my throat. Your thumbs trying to crush my windpipe. When you messed up my leg so bad I couldn't walk without pain for 6 months. One thing I'm sure of, no man will EVER put their hands on me again and remain free. Their ass will be in a cage within the hour. I forgive myself that your ass isn't rotting in prison. Letting you get away with attempted murder was not my finest moment. You tried to kill me but, I survived! I'm not afraid of much these days. I'm a hell of a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. I forgive all the put downs, the evil talk, the devaluing, and the dismissals. Because I now know, you are full of shit! You're not a healthy person. In the end, your opinions mean nothing. I know inside now, it takes 2 and I'm okay and getting stronger every day. It no longer matters that you take no responsibility. I no longer need your validation. You never will be healthy. I know that now. That's truly pitiful.

I'm grateful that: I no longer have to walk on egg shells. That I no longer slam my head into cement walls to release the anxiety, frustration, and stress I was living with. I'm grateful that I didn't cause serious damage to myself. As I had no sense of pain during those awful times. I'm grateful that your toxicity is gone from my life. That I'm no longer devalued, dismissed, denied a voice. That I no longer live with your passive/aggressive behavior. That I'm spared your criticisms. That I no longer have to listen to your constant exaggerations or bear witness to the victim act you play so well.

I'm continuing to work on forgiving you for: Turning your back on Ahmi. In the end, much too little, much too late. Your betrayal of me re: Genny Wrocklage. You threw me under the bus. 2 back stabbing, lying, little bitches! In the end, my first blog exposed her lying ass and stained her career. She's actually not a social wrecker anymore. Maybe I did some good after all. At least she no longer damages children! This blog exposes you as the devil from hell that you are! Too bad whining to Judge Brown got you no where! Sorry 100% true story of my life. I will continue to post and this blog will outlast both of us! I love the first amendment. God bless America! I don't regret warning T### about you. She seems very nice. After all she's survived, she didn't need your crap polluting her life. For the record, I didn't "wreck your life." You did with your lies! I told the truth! Something you know nothing about! The difference between the 2 of us? I had the proof to back up my words. When you tell the truth, life's a whole lot easier. Something you'll never understand. I am still working on trying to forgive you for the filthy lies you told in order to get your fake r.o. You've disrupted my life for 2 and 1/2 years. Took away my livelihood. Working with children is what I was born to do. You selfishly took that from me. Because of your sick need to be in control. Well, that ends in February. Thank God you admitted under oath during the divorce trial your illegal action re: the "evidence" If you even think about taking any action on the expiration of the fraud... Let's just say, I'm no longer suffering from major depression. Bring it on... You don't even get that the order of spousal support with no expiration was most likely to punish you. Judge Brown saw quite clearly in the end who the problem was. Who was continually lying to him. One day you will be nothing more than a passing shadow of a thought. On that day I will know that I am 100% finally free. You did your best in trying to destroy me and you failed! I have come through hell and I am stronger than I ever knew. You are the same old, same old. How sad is that? I pity and pray for you. Enjoy your empty life.

"IT'S ALL ABOUT THE CONTROL"

It's a paradox I've never understood, regarding the type of control that Bill clings to. He was not jealous or possesive during our marriage. He never checked my phone, questioned me, etc... However, when it came to money, and/or major life decisions, he alone was in control. He made some major life decisions with no interest in my thoughts or opinions. For example, his bright idea one year after attending Ricoh school in LA for 2 weeks. He comes home and announces that he has a job offer from a classmate. This guy apparently owns his own business in the high desert. He's made some lofty promises regarding potential salary. He's made an offer that's too good to refuse, blah, blah, blah... Bill was supposedly going to make all this money. It was too great to pass up, yeah, yeah, yeah. He wouldn't listen to anything I had to say. He didn't care that his company had just spent thousands of dollars on the school he'd just attended. It was futile trying to have a mature conversation about it. He pretty much said, he didn't care what I did, he was going. If I didn't like it or agree, "there's the door." So we spend all this money on his impulsive whim. Pack up and move approx 3 and 1/2 hours North. For his "golden opportunity". It didn't take long for him to realize, he'd made a huge mistake! He was rehired by IKON w/in 2 months! Unfortunately it was at the branch in San Bernadino. Which was approx a 30-45 minute ride down the mountain pass that led away from the hell we were now trapped in!! This took place during the summer of 1993 till the following spring. Luckily, just as he had an offer from his former boss in San Diego, an insurance settlement I'd been expecting came through. Thousands of dollars on a hairbrained scheme. Because God forbid, Bill take the time to consider a decision and communicate as an adult rather than an impulsive jackass! Always, He has this obsessive need to be in complete control. When he got an idea into his head, there was no discussion, no consideration of any point of view but, his own. God forbid someone with common sense actually try to encourage him to act as an adult and consider all sides of a decision. Then again, wouldn't happen. When he gets a thought into his mind, he becomes almost manic. As if he needs to act quickly before something intefers with his chosen plan and prevents it from happening somehow. As I read over this posting, it makes complete sense that Bill Connearney acted the way he did. He's always valued money and possesions above all else. So it does make sense that he'd be a control freak re: money. He's an empty shell of a human being. I pity him.

"MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY part 2"

If you have been or if you are currently involved with a Narcissist, you're self esteem is most likely severely damaged and/or lacking. No matter what I did or said, it never seemed to be good enough. In the early years, my paycheck was the constant target. He constantly bitched about my wages. As the years passed, I went back to school, got a lot of work experience on my resume. Finally due to the experience and training, I was doing what I loved earning a salary that I was happy with. Bill seemed satisfied. As long as he got his cut twice a month, life was peaceful for a while. Although from time to time he'd bitch about the wear and tear on my car, I always tuned him out. I loved my job and nothing was going to jeopardize it! Unfortunately as the kids grew older, my work days grew shorter. Although I still made a decent wage Bill began to bitch about the shorter hours. He'd often suggest it was time to look for another position. I simply ignored his comments. I'd been with the family nearly ten years by this time. I made decent money and enjoyed a few benefits I wasn't willing to give up. There was however one problem, the mountain of debt Bill had built up over the years. The debt I'd never had a say in, was starting to take it's toll. My bitchy side felt little empathy. I'd begged him so many times over the years to slow down, practice some self control. He never respected nor cared about what I had to say. "I pay the bills. Don't worry about it. Just pay your rent!" Devalued, minimized, silenced. So it was hard to feel any sympathy for him. All the years I had no voice. My attitude basically was,"you made your bed, lie in it." If I could have foreseen the impact of his stress and the toll it would take, I wouldn't have dismissed it so easily. Well, as the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20. One day he announces that we're going to move to Escondido. A city 45 mins North inland from San Diego. Red neck, tweakerville. I understood that he worked in Escondido. That he had a long commute every day. I was willing to discuss moving. However, I wanted to discuss a compromise. Ahmi and I had Mommy and Me classes. She was in gymnastics and swimming lessons. The way I saw it there were options and why couldn't the move be convenient for all of us? Nope! In true Bill Connearney style, it was going to be his way or the highway. No discussion allowed! After so many years, I pushed back for once. Told him to forget it. I should have known better. Within 2 months he'd announce that he was leaving me. As always he'd do as he wished and the hell with anyone who might get in the way. I'd actually just been biding my time till the adoption was final. When Bill punched me in the face in September of 2009 I had decided it was over. As soon as Ahmi was safely out of the system, I had planned to move back to Boston and build a new life for her and I. I only wanted my girl. Turned out, Bill would only think about himself. In the end, I lost my girl to the substitutes and he lost all his money to me!

"WHAT'S TO MISS?"

I actually had started to write the previous posting entitled "Addiction" some months ago. Although my mindset has changed and grown in many ways since, I felt it was important to follow through on posting it.The vast differences between just these two posts alone show how far I've come. So in honor of my journey without further ado; What's to miss? Being put down and called horrible names? Not missed! Condescending, know it all attitude? Not missed! Inadequate sex? Not missed! Rigid, unyielding personal opinions and views? Not missed! Consistently being devalued, minimized, and dismissed? Not missed! Having my self esteem constantly in the toilet. Always feeling like I was worthless, unlovable, defective, second rate, and depressed? NOT MISSED! Bill Connearney plays a great victim! It's truly Oscar worthy! I felt like shit for so many years. I was so depressed and angry inside. Now I can only ask myself, "what the hell was wrong with me?" I miss nothing! He's a pompous, exaggerating, cruel, overbearing, opinionated, selfish, condescending, demeaning, evil, bastard! Life is so much better without poison in it! Narcissists are great at putting their wants and needs above all else. They can be manipulative, cruel, and self centered. For a long time I blamed myself for our problems. I'd tell myself I wasn't doing something right. That he'd listen, hear me, and understand my point of view if I communicated better. BULLSHIT! He was never going to do any of those things because he didn't want to or care to! The simple truth is Bill Connearney loves himself above all others. He was never going to listen, hear, or care no matter what I did or said. I never was, never would have been, that important. He's an empty shell of a human being and I'm grateful that I'm no longer on that merry go round!

"ADDICTION'

Since my separation and divorce I've come to equate my marriage to Bill Connearney as an addiction. Although my head knows and accepts that I'm better off without him and his toxicity, my heart isn't always on board. I know one day when I think about him, a thought is all he'll be. That is when I will know I will finally be free of him and our past. After the final split I thought about our beginning. I came to some hard truths. In hindsight, I let myself get swept up in the fact that my long time secret wish was coming true. It was like a true life fairy tale. Although, I knew I should take things slow. I threw caution and common sense away too quickly. I'd developed a crush on Bill soon after the birth of my son. Of course I kept it to myself. As far as he or anyone else knew, we were just friends. About a year and half later he'd enlisted in the Navy and was gone. A few years passed, I was a single Mom. Busy with my life, raising a preschooler, working, etc... One day I happen to call his Moms looking for his sister and he picks up! I was thrilled and very surprised to hear his voice. I'd thought about him from time to time the past few years. Wondered how he was doing, etc... So we talked briefly and way to soon said our goodbyes. I thought about him a lot that night. The next afternoon I called his Mom's house under the pretext of once again seeking to speak wth his sister. Again he answered the phone and this time when we hung up, he would soon be stopping by my apartment. Long story shortened, we spent almost every moment of the next 2 weeks together. All too soon it was time for him to fly back to San Diego. It was the end of Sept,1987. We'd promised to stay in touch, write each other. Also discussed the possibility of me flying out to Ca in 2/1989 to visit when he returned from westpac. We'd also talked about kids. Bill had said that he didn't want kids until he was at least 30. At this time I thought we'd remain at friend level only and I was fine with that. I respected him for telling me. Of course, I was and always would be part of a package deal. Once he's back in SD, we talked all the time. One day in early Oct, he called and said that he's not going to hang up until he convinces me to move to SD and marry him! I started with, "I'm sorry, no". I reminded him about his statement re: children. He explains that he's given it a lot of thought. That he was wrong. That he was ready and wanted to be a family. So eventually, after a long time on the phone, I accepted his proposal. There's no rehab for this addiction of mine. Yes there's therapy. Been there, done that. Now, just the passage of time. It is easier with each passing day to divert my thoughts. Pull myself back into reality. An addiction as harmful as any other addiction. Unfortunately, there's no quick fix, no rehab, no 12 step program. Distance and time seem to be the only cure. Hmmm, rehab for one's heart, spirit, mind, and soul broken by divorce. Food for thought.