"IF ANYONE READING IS LIVING THIS LIFE"

Hello you. Yes, you reading this blog. I so desperately wish I could talk personally with each and every one of you. Is this your reality? Even bits and pieces? Narcissism can be and most likely is on a spectrum. Maybe all I've experienced, hasn't touched you. Or, maybe you're living with something more severe? You all matter to me. No one should have to live with abuse. We all deserve better. When I started this blog it was about healing. Taking my voice back. The Narcissist plays the perfect victim and Bill was no exception. Throughout the 2 years of our separation, he played it so well, he convinced the court to his side for awhile. Convinced the judge that I was the problem. Thank goodness in my case the truth came out in the end. Bill made 2 major mistakes. One, he got caught in 3 major lies to the judge. Two, we didn't have lawyers, so during our divorce trial, I was allowed to question him on the stand. Although he tried and tried to avoid answering my questions, after 20-25 minutes he had no choice and the truth came out. His fraud was exposed once and for all and I was granted lifetime spousal support. Of course in true Narcissistic form, "I'm a blood sucking leech." He'll never, ever admit to his lies and his role in that final judgement. That's not how they roll. A narcissist never accepts responsibility for their bad choices and bad behavior. That's okay. In the end, for me, it was about vindication in a court of law. I had moved past the need of validation or acceptance from him. I want to say something from the bottom of my heart to each and every reader, You are worthy, lovable, and you deserve respect. Leaving an abusive situation may seem scary, unthinkable, you may be afraid of being alone. You may have doubts regarding your abilities, etc... Please believe me, I had all those same doubts. I will not lie and say it was easy. Truth is, it was a bitch! There were days that were filled with sadness, doubt, and urges to just give up. However, somehow someway, I kept pushing on! I HAVE SURVIVED! I am strong! It took me 48 years to finally realize that about myself! Life has thrown it's best yet, I have survived it all. I am so happy, proud, and at peace. I AM WORTHY! I WILL NEVER ACCEPT LESS THAN I DESERVE AGAIN! I would like to invite anyone (female) interested to my community on Google+ "Finding The Happy Ever After" A safe, supportive, respectful community for females living with, leaving, or recovering from toxicity. Thank you for reading. God bless you all. I wish you peace! You deserve it.❤️❤️

"VALIDATION"

Well the 4th of last month was the 2nd anniversary of the divorce. March 15th marks 3.5 years since our final split. The paper of fraud expired last Thursday. At long last, that lie is off me! All the times Bill Connearney told ME I was evil?! I now know that was the Narcissist projecting his own self onto me! When we first split it was very tough. I was obsessed with the need of hearing him finally taking responsibility and apologizing for the evil things he’d done. I fantasized that he’d come to me, admit how wrong he’d been, apologize and I’d tell him to go straight to hell. One day my therepist asked me, “what do you need in order to close the door and move on?” I had my standard answer, I needed Bill to own his responsibility and apologize. Then that wise man would ask, “what if that never happens, then what? How can Lynn be okay?”

It took a little more work yet, eventually I was able to let it go. All those years of his evil words, my self doubt and guilt, gone. I finally realized that all of the put downs, manipulations, selfishness, minimizing, those are the traits of the Narcissist! That is the core of who Bill Connearney is.That’s who HE is. Honestly, I can yell, I'm very passionate. Especially when I feel attacked or when I feel ignored, not heard. However, when I’m validated, heard, and respected, that trait is non existent. So many years of thinking I was communicating wrong. I thought there was something wrong with me. That if I could just find the right words, he’d finally listen, hear me, and understand. There would be no more built up stress and anger inside of me. I finally came to understand that was total bullshit! Narcissists know how to play the game of projection, manipulation, and victim!

I finally was able to accept that it NEVER mattered! Because he NEVER cared! I NEVER had a chance. I’ve learned since those days, I have great communication skills. I know how to listen and hear others! Narcissists could care less what you have to say because in their eyes, your wants, needs, and feelings mean nothing to them. Back in the early years of our marriage, he’d get upset and blow up about something. He wouldn’t talk to me for 2-4 days. I didn’t realize back then that’s passive aggressive behavior and it’s abusive. It was horrible walking around on eggshells. Many times I’d take Chris and go spend the night at a friends. The quiet was unbearably lonely. I fled that silence many times. Then he’d get over whatever his issue was and finally speak to me. However, one stipulation, there was no discussion, If I tried to discuss my thoughts, feelings, point of view, he shut me down. “I’m over that, forget about it I have.” 20+ years of no validation, respect, empathy, etc... No wonder my closet finally exploded and I turned into a raging bitch!

These days I know how to set firm boundaries. No one tells me my feelings are wrong. No one calls me filthy names or tries to brainwash me. No one puts their hands on me in anger. I don’t need anyone’s validation. I’m worthy, smart, honest, loyal, and I will accept nothing but, the same in return. Life isn’t always easy. sometimes it’s a freaking bitch, I’m so much better than I was. NEVER again will I be a doormat! GUESS WHAT BILL CONNEARNEY? YOU WERE WRONG! IT WASN’T ME, IT WAS YOU! I NO LONGER NEED YOU TO VALIDATE THAT. I KNOW IT’S TRUE. I’M GOOD WITH THAT! Stay healthy and well. I may love again, I will NEVER remarry! You did so many evil things to me. Trying your best to crush me. Even tried to kill me. I survived! I’ll NEVER let you off the hook! Pay back can be a bitch! Take that to your grave! It’s payback for all the evil, underhanded tricks and lies that you threw at me from Sept 2011 until Aug of 2013. How’s it working for you? I know every payday you get a little knife twist in your gut. Good! You reap what you sow baby!

"WAS IT ALL ME?"

When I think back on all the red flags over the years, I wonder what the hell I was thinking. I'm continuing to work on myself. Finding the answers inside of me. I acknowledge putting up with his crap all the years that I did tells me I still have work to do. We split for the final time in September of 2011. I've done a lot of contemplating, grieving, healing, and talking since then. My therapist was right the day he said to me, "we marry what we know." I'd never considered till that moment the similarities between Bill and my Mother! One thing I've learned and am very proud of, I'll never allow anyone to disrespect me like that again. I can 100% say that anyone who puts their hands on me is going straight to jail! I guess that's the silver lining I can walk away with. Ever since he blackened my eyes in September of 2009, I'd known that we were done. I won't go into it here but, I had my reasons for not throwing his ass in jail that night. For covering up what he'd done to me. Those who've read my original blog, Child Punishing Service, know the story and the price I paid. Anyways, all the put downs, criticism, and devaluing took their toll over time of course. I'd actually catch myself wondering if he was right. Was I evil? Were his ugly words accurate? NO!! He's a defective human being who can't accept/own up to his own shortcomings. I've learned and come to accept, he puts everything on others because to accept any responsibility is beyond him. I sometimes think about the love I used to feel. I think about the sweet, loving, special things he did over the years and how he wiped it all away with his diabolical, abusive, horrific behavior the last 2 and 1/2 years. I'm starting to realize, the moments of sadness these days aren't about Bill. It's the loss of what was supposed to be. I think that's a huge step for me. With each passing day I believe/accept, it takes two! All I ever asked for was validation, respect, and to come 1st half the time, that's not a lot! Bill Connearney, I pity you. You were wrong! All the bad things you would say about me, look in the mirror and repeat! You're EVIL, ABUSIVE, SELFISH, AND A LIAR! Anyone who values money above all, is an empty shell of a being! You're not a man! We don't erase or change the past through denial! You did try to kill me in the early morning hours of 5/5/2011! You put your hands around my throat, cut off my air flow, and tried to crush my windpipe with your thumbs! You're a BULL SHIT LIAR! I hope you rot in HELL!

" 6 SURE SIGNS OF NARCISSISM"

Resolution, Not Conflict The guide to problem-solving. by Susan Heitler, Ph.D.
  *** Comments between the ***are my own. If you'd like to read more on Narcissism, a link to the complete article is at the end of the posting.  Sections of "6 Sure Signs Of Narcissism" used with permission of the Author Susan Heitler Ph.D. Much thanks and appreciation.
 
To identify narcissism a good place to start is with clarity about what healthy personal and social functioning look like. The bottom line is that healthy folks are able to sustain both selfishness and altruism. Emotionally healthy functioning is characterized by ability to hear your own concerns, thoughts, and feelings and also to be responsive to others’ concerns. .

 
Narcissistic folks often are very generous. They may, for instance, give away large sums of money to charity.  Generous giving makes the giver feel good and also feels appropriate, like "the right" thing to do.  At the same time, when there is a situation in which someone who tends toward narcissism wants something, and that desire is in conflict with what someone else wants, that's when the selfish side takes over.

 
*** My wants and needs never came first in all the years we were together. It doesn't say much for me that I put up with it. I'm still working on that. I can say that my eyes are open. My spirit is strong. I never knew the behavior I came to accept as normal had a name. I do now. I will never allow a Narcissistic personality to poison my life again!  One thing I do know these days, I'm a valuable person. I deserve respect. I have a voice***

                                 THE QUIZ
Sign #1:  UNILATERAL LISTENING
 
What I want is all that matters. When we make decisions together, what you want, your concerns, your feelings, these are mere whispers, inconveniences and irrelevancies. When we discuss issues, my opinions are right. Yours are wrong or else of minimal importance. If you expect to have input, you are undermining me.                                                  Instead of listening in order to be responsive, narcissistic listening listens to dismiss, negate, ignore, minimize, denigrate or otherwise render irrelevant other people’s concerns. One specific indicator: frequent responses that begin with "But....", which is linguistically a backspace-delete key.

  Score:  0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
  BILLS SCORE: 8
 
***Looking back the consistent theme was Bill's wants and needs always came first. I chalked it up to selfishness. Which of course, isn't any more acceptable in a healthy relationship. Looking back, I realize I allowed and or put up with behaviors that I should have walked away from a long time ago. Honestly I think it was part fantasy. Lying to myself was easier than making a change. Being alone. I kept thinking, one day he'd magically change. That he'd actually put my needs and wants before his own. Of course that day never came. My awesome Therapist told me, "it's a myth that girls marry their Dads. We actually are drawn to what we're familiar with. What we're used to". That was the first time I realized, I'd married my Mother".***

  Sign #2 IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!
 
I know more, I know better, I’m more interesting, When we talk, it’s mostly about me. In conversations, I take up most of the air time. Maybe that's why people say I suck up all the air in a room. When I want something, I need to have it. Never mind how you feel about it; it’s all about me.  I’m big and important and you are merely also here, mostly to do things for me, like a third arm.
  Narcissistic people are sometimes, and even often, generous. The difficulty with trusting a narcissist to take actions that are sympathetic to your interests comes at the times when what they want is contrary to what someone else wants. Odds are that at these times they will act in a manner that is selfish, that is, responsive only to their own concerns.

  Score:  0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
  BILL'S SCORE: 10
 
***Over the years he charged a MOUNTAIN of debt. Any time I'd ask him to cut down on the spending. Hoping in the early years that we'd have our own home, he'd tune me out, continue on with what he wanted. I worked throughout our marriage and he took half of whatever I made as "rent". Yet. He "paid the majority of the bills. Don't worry about it." One example, he'd been given a Ball Python from someone. Well he decided that the snake was too small. That he really wanted a bigger snake. He started looking at burmese Pythons. I expressed my fear to him. At the time, we lived in a small apartment. I was scared of big snakes and didn't want to live with one in close quarters. I came home from work one day and noticed there was a snake in the cage that was huge! He tried at first to say it had grown. I was an adult not a little kid he could lie to.
  He'd gone out and bought the thing despite what I'd said. At one point I think there were 8 snakes. One was about 12 feet. One was 10 feet. The others were smaller and different breeds. He had a Columbian Red Tail Boa with a very sensitive stomach. This snake would regurgitate and  it was the raunchiest, strongest, most disgusting odor EVER! It would reek through the house. That was the worst! I have a very sensitive nose. I can't handle foul odors. I'd call him and he'd try to stop at home and clean it up but, many times he'd be working out of the area and I'd be stuck with the stench till he came home from work. He also would tell wild stories when we were with others. I knew many times he was exaggerating. You couldn't call him on it or change the subject, that brought out the anger. ***

  Sign #3: THE RULES DON'T APPLY TO ME:
 
I can have affairs, cut into a line where others are waiting, cheat on my taxes, and ignore rules that get in the way of my doing what I want.. Rules are for other people to follow. Narcissists suffer from what I call Tall Man Syndrome. They experience themselves as above others, so the rules don't apply to them.

  Score:  0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
  BILLS SCORE: 8
 
***He's not blatant in this however two ex. come to mind. Right after we split the final time, he cashed out one of the retirement accounts, paid off 2 car loans. Never gave me a cent. Even though I was homeless and living in my car. He never said a word. He continued to subtract the $400 a month credit I'd allowed him for the car loan for more than a year after. When I became aware of the facts and asked for the full amount ordered by the court, he just ignored me. I told him no less than 5x he was not to include me on his tax return in Feb 2012. I had no reportable income that year. To reduce his tax penalty, he did anyways. Going so far as to sign my name electronically to the returns! He holds money above all and definitely will ignore or break any rules that threaten what's "his".***

  Sign #4: YOUR CONCERNS ARE REALLY CRITICISMS' OF ME AND, I HATE BEING CRITICIZED:
 
If you insist on my listening and taking your concerns seriously I’m likely to get mad. Criticism hurts. I can criticize others, and often do, but if you criticize me you’re hurting my feelings so I’ll hurt you back. Narcissists paradoxically manifest an inflated idea of their own importance, yet are quick to feel deflated by negative feedback.  In addition, because they think everything is about them, they hear others’ attempts to talk about personal feelings as veiled criticisms of themselves. Taking others' concerns as personal criticism is called personalizing. E.g., If she says "I'm feeling lonely," her narcissistic friend will hear, "You don't spend enough time with me."
  Score:  0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
  BILLS SCORE: 8
 
***Anytime I'd try to talk to him about my feelings. I remember a typical ruse he'd use. I'd make a statement re: my feelings on an issue, he'd respond with a harshly, critical statement re: himself. Of course, it was not even close to what I'd said a minute before. Looking back, I can see that it was his diversionary ploy to derail conversations. He used it often***

  Sign #5: WHEN THINGS GO WRONG BETWEEN US, IT'S ALWAYS YOUR FAULT.
   
I can’t be expected to apologize or to admit blame. I’m above others and above reproach. You shouldn’t have...Don’t threaten me with expecting me to say how I’ve contributed to a problem or I’ll get mad at you. Unwillingness to take responsibility for mistakes goes hand-in-hand with quickness to blame.  This trait may come from confusing the part with the whole. If I've done one thing that's not right, then I must be all bad. That's also all-or-nothing thinking.

  Score:  0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
  BILLS SCORE: 10
 
***Never once has Bill accepted any responsibility for mistakes or apologize for anything. 100% true that somehow I caused his reaction or the problem. He never once said to me, "I'm sorry or I was wrong". There were times He'd be mad about something. He'd give me the silent treatment for 2 or 3 days. Then he'd get past it but, he wouldn't discuss it or my feelings. He'd say, "forget about it, I have". Nothing was ever dealt with. It was all stuffed in the proverbial closet. Eventually, so much stress, frustration, and resentment would build up, I'd end up exploding like a stick of Dynamite. Of course, this was because I was simply a crazy bitch. He is perfect at playing the victim.***

  Sign #6: IF I'M ANGRY, IT'S YOUR FAULT
  
You made me mad. You didn’t listen to me. You criticized me. You’re trying to control me. Your view is wrong.  So you need to apologize, not me. "It’s never my fault if things didn’t go well. I’m not responsible for the problem. Someone else is. I’m not responsible either for my anger. If I’m mad that’s your fault."  Narcissists may seem generally quite socially agile.  At the same time, they also can be quick to anger, and when they do, will immediately blame their anger on others. Narcissists just tend to be hyper-sensitive about feeling controlled.  Any request therefore to a narcissist is at risk for triggering irritation. Asking a narcissist to do something your way rather than theirs is particularly likely to sound to them like you are telling them what to do. Their anger in response then, of course, is your fault.

  Score: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
  BILLS SCORE: 9
  ***It always seems that when Bill feels someone is trying to control him, he'll act and make decisions that are impulsive and irrational. At these times, any attempt or plea to talk for a moment, is met with a cold, stony, silence that defeats you***
   TOTAL SCORE: 53
The interpretations below are based on clinical hunches, not any scientific testing.

     5-10 probably indicate normal human fallibilities with room for improvement.
  10 to 20  would indicate too much narcissism in your habits.
  30 to 40 spells significant narcissistic habits that probably do not serve you well.
  40 to 60 would indicate to me severe problems with narcissism.
  In her article the Author lists ways one might deal with the Narcissist. She also recommends that the Narcissist make "changes in their habits and or behavior..."
 
***IMO I don't see how a Narcissist would ever be motivated to change any of their behaviors. Seems to me, someone must admit there's a problem before they can make changes. In my experience, there was never an understanding that his behaviors were a problem. If the behaviors above are ingrained so deeply into someone's personality, wouldn't any thought of change go against everything they stand for? Before I knew there was a term for what I lived with, I waited for a change, it never came.***


   To learn more or to read the complete article re: 6 signs of Narcissism click the link below.

   Source:<a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201210/are-you-narcissist-6-sure-signs-narcissism"></a>"http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201210/are-you-narcissist-6-sure-signs-narcissism