"INTRINSIC AND EXTRINSIC VALUE"

For the majority of my life I sought acceptance, validation, and approval from extrinsic (outside) sources. I believe this led to much disappointment and at times treatment from others that was not okay. Case in point, William Seamus McDonald aka William Francis Connearney aka Bill. I took to heart every evil nasty thing he said to me over the years. When you are told enough that you don't measure up...Believe me, you start to live it. Eventually you accept abusive behavior as something that you deserve. I am so proud of the woman I have become! The woman I am today requires no outside approval, acceptance, or validation! It 100% comes from within! I wish I had adequate words to describe the peace, empowerment, happiness that is a solid part of me 24/7. I am no longer a doormat. I easily shut down and walk away from abusive and hurtful words. If I could bottle this and give it away, I would in a heartbeat. To confidently know to the depths of my soul that I will never be treated poorly by anyone again in my lifetime, that I only require my own validation is the most liberating feeling imaginable. For the rest of my life, I will speak up for myself, I will draw firm boundaries, I will accept nothing less than to be treated in the manner I deserve. If someone can't respect that, they will be in my rear view. I no longer weigh my value based on others. I am free. Till next time, hugs to you and be good to yourself. xo

"SUCCESSFUL SPRING"

Yesterday was the last day of a successful semester. I feel like I'm on top of the world! My life is truly on the right path and I am moving at long last in the direction I should be. Out of the challenges and trials of the past few years since my separation and divorce a Phoenix has been born! I am so blessed! I have added "Phoenix" to my name on social media because it truly fits. I'm even thinking of having one tattooed on the back of my shoulder. I walked through the fires of hell that William Francis Connearney aka William Seamus McDonald lit around me and I rose from the flames and ashes of my old life. I am stronger, more confident and it is empowering! Out of 25 years of hell, I have truly gained so much! The greatest thing has been my return to school. Fulfilling my life long dream of becoming a writer feels so awesome! Thanks to my survival, I have my genre and tons of material. Writing self help/motivational books for women is what I'm meant to do! For a long time after Bill tried to kill me, I couldn't believe that I actually survived. I asked myself, how? Why? I am finally 100% sure I now have the answer. God gave me a gift and I now know to the depths of my soul what he meant for me to do with that gift. Earning my degree, fine tuning that talent feels so right. Thank you God for all you have given and shown me! I am so blessed! Till next time, love and respect yourself. Peace :)

"I SAW YOU TODAY"

I happened to see Bill today. It was something I could have lived without. Following is the internal conversation between my head and my heart.
Heart: OMG there's Bill!
Head: So what? Yesterday's leftovers.
Heart: He's wearing a blue shirt. Remember what that does to his eyes?
Head: Yes, so? Remember the black heart within?
Heart: Being with him was predictable and familiar.
Head: Yes predictably boring, depressing, and hurtful.
Heart: I miss intimacy
Head: I don't miss or need superficial intimacy.
Heart: It's been a long time since someone has held me.
Head: I now know that he's a horrible lover. 10 minutes of no big deal. I have knowledge and experience that I didn't have before.
Heart: I'm tired of being patient. I want to open my heart to someone special. I want to build something new.
Head: Be patient. You walked down that broken road long enough. Don't think about that dead end. A worthy man is out
there. Never, ever settle! William Francis Connearney aka William Seamus McDonald didn't deserve me when he had me. He still is unworthy. He hasn't changed, I have. I'm worth so much more than he will ever be! Give it time!

**EDIT 5/8/16** Since my separation and divorce I have done a lot of work on the inner me. Going back to school and working towards my degree is a huge step in self empowerment. I have truly grown and found a me within the mix that I never dreamed existed. I'm at peace. I'm stronger and happier than I ever gave myself credit for. I also look for the positive in life these days. During my marriage, I was the polar opposite. However, I was married for 25 years. My head 100% knows I'm in a better place. Old habits (long-term marriages) are like a worn pair of shoes. Comfortable but, not always the best choice. My heart apparently still has that lingering habit. I continue to work on completely breaking it. The important thing is my head is in a good place and as long as I reason with logic instead of emotion, I'll be okay

"EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES"

Narcissists are in my opinion, the equivalent of emotional vampires. Stay with one long enough and they suck your emotional soul from you! Putting their needs and wants ahead of your own, bending over backwards to prevent the sword in their mouths from cutting you down with the verbal garbage they spew so well. Over time you start to believe their mental brainwashing. That you're not good enough. That it's always your fault. The anxiety and depression overwhelms you. You become a shattered soul. Maybe as in my case you become a raging bitch. Which only reinforces the screwed up messages they've painstakingly been laying down. You may begin to question your sanity. By the end of our marriage, I totally believed William Seamus McDonald aka William Francis Connearney's bullshit. I actually was convinced "I was a wretched bitch, that it all was my fault, that I was unlovable, etc..." Therapy was my savior! When you leave one of these emotional vampire's, it's so important to seek help from a therapist. The truth was, I did have issues within myself to work through. After all, would a healthy human being put up with abusive garbage for 25 years? NO! Because of therapy I realized, not only did I metaphorically marry my mother attempting to work out long ago issues from childhood, Bill was just as much to blame in the destruction of our marriage.

I truly was able to learn and believe that Bill was full of shit! It takes 2 to screw up a relationship! He was a TERRIBLE partner! Even though he will never admit it, it's enough that I now know it. That I no longer carry that shame and guilt. No matter what you say, no matter what you do, YOU CAN NEVER PLEASE A NARCISSIST! There was never anything wrong with my communication skills! That guilt alone tormented me for so long. I felt so inadequate. I doubted myself for so long. It was a beautiful moment in my healing to realize, it never mattered what I said or how I said it, BILL NEVER CARED! I am a great communicator! The problem was him all along! NARCISSISTS ARE HORRIBLE RECEIVERS! No matter what you say or how you say it, they will NEVER receive it! One actually has to care about other people's wants and needs to respect other's wants and needs. Narcissists have no such capability. Until next time, peace, love and respect yourself. :)

"UNFORTUNATE RESULTS"

William Seamus Connearney aka William Francis Connearney raised my son from the age of 5. Unfortunately, my son picked up a few bad behaviors during his childhood. He has the tendency to try and project his bad decisions onto others. Tries to excuse bad choices. Tries to downplay my feelings. Fortunately, he does have empathy for others. Does eventually admit he's wrong and owns up to it. He also truly loves others more than himself. Also, fortunately, I have done a lot of healing and work on the inner me. I do now know how to set firm boundaries regarding behavior I will not tolerate from anyone. I am so thankful that because there is no biological connection...there is hope. New behaviors and habits take time to root. I will never give up on achieving that with my son. The moral of this posting, please be careful and choosy about whom or what you expose your children to. It will have long term repercussions. I love you Chris!

"I AM SO GRATEFUL"

This morning I was reflecting on the upcoming holiday season. I realized how truly grateful I am towards William Seamus McDonald formally known as William Francis Connearney. I appreciate him and am so grateful for all he has given me. So without further ado.

Dear Bill, Thank you for wanting a divorce. Since our divorce and my healing journey, I have found a self confidence and self esteem higher than ever in my whole life! I am so grateful! No one puts me down or calls me filthy names. No one attacks my self confidence. I am so grateful. Where I was once chronically depressed and anxious, I am now infused with happiness and a positive attitude that has effected every aspect of my life in an upbeat way. I am so grateful! These days I only allow nontoxic people in my life. Today I understand setting clear boundaries. I am respected, valued, and loved. I am so grateful! In September of 2011 I was so broken. At the lowest point of my life, I began hanging out with the wrong people. People who used me, stole from me, and were generally going down the wrong path in life. For the first time in my life I began getting in trouble, I just simply didn't care for 2 years. Then one day, I woke up, looked around and my eyes were finally opened. I walked away from the people and the path I had detoured on. I began to embrace therapy, my 2nd chance, my freedom. I am so grateful. 4 years in and I could not be happier! My life is my own. I am trying to pay it forward. I have even once again quit smoking! Yay for me! This time I know I won't start again. Thank you Bill. For showing me how I should never be spoken to, disrespected, or abused...I am so grateful!

"IF ANYONE READING IS LIVING THIS LIFE"

Hello you. Yes, you reading this blog. I so desperately wish I could talk personally with each and every one of you. Is this your reality? Even bits and pieces? Narcissism can be and most likely is on a spectrum. Maybe all I've experienced, hasn't touched you. Or, maybe you're living with something more severe? You all matter to me. No one should have to live with abuse. We all deserve better. When I started this blog it was about healing. Taking my voice back. The Narcissist plays the perfect victim and Bill was no exception. Throughout the 2 years of our separation, he played it so well, he convinced the court to his side for awhile. Convinced the judge that I was the problem. Thank goodness in my case the truth came out in the end. Bill made 2 major mistakes. One, he got caught in 3 major lies to the judge. Two, we didn't have lawyers, so during our divorce trial, I was allowed to question him on the stand. Although he tried and tried to avoid answering my questions, after 20-25 minutes he had no choice and the truth came out. His fraud was exposed once and for all and I was granted lifetime spousal support. Of course in true Narcissistic form, "I'm a blood sucking leech." He'll never, ever admit to his lies and his role in that final judgement. That's not how they roll. A narcissist never accepts responsibility for their bad choices and bad behavior. That's okay. In the end, for me, it was about vindication in a court of law. I had moved past the need of validation or acceptance from him. I want to say something from the bottom of my heart to each and every reader, You are worthy, lovable, and you deserve respect. Leaving an abusive situation may seem scary, unthinkable, you may be afraid of being alone. You may have doubts regarding your abilities, etc... Please believe me, I had all those same doubts. I will not lie and say it was easy. Truth is, it was a bitch! There were days that were filled with sadness, doubt, and urges to just give up. However, somehow someway, I kept pushing on! I HAVE SURVIVED! I am strong! It took me 48 years to finally realize that about myself! Life has thrown it's best yet, I have survived it all. I am so happy, proud, and at peace. I AM WORTHY! I WILL NEVER ACCEPT LESS THAN I DESERVE AGAIN! I would like to invite anyone (female) interested to my community on Google+ "Finding The Happy Ever After" A safe, supportive, respectful community for females living with, leaving, or recovering from toxicity. Thank you for reading. God bless you all. I wish you peace! You deserve it.❤️❤️

"VALIDATION"

Well the 4th of last month was the 2nd anniversary of the divorce. March 15th marks 3.5 years since our final split. The paper of fraud expired last Thursday. At long last, that lie is off me! All the times Bill Connearney told ME I was evil?! I now know that was the Narcissist projecting his own self onto me! When we first split it was very tough. I was obsessed with the need of hearing him finally taking responsibility and apologizing for the evil things he’d done. I fantasized that he’d come to me, admit how wrong he’d been, apologize and I’d tell him to go straight to hell. One day my therepist asked me, “what do you need in order to close the door and move on?” I had my standard answer, I needed Bill to own his responsibility and apologize. Then that wise man would ask, “what if that never happens, then what? How can Lynn be okay?”

It took a little more work yet, eventually I was able to let it go. All those years of his evil words, my self doubt and guilt, gone. I finally realized that all of the put downs, manipulations, selfishness, minimizing, those are the traits of the Narcissist! That is the core of who Bill Connearney is.That’s who HE is. Honestly, I can yell, I'm very passionate. Especially when I feel attacked or when I feel ignored, not heard. However, when I’m validated, heard, and respected, that trait is non existent. So many years of thinking I was communicating wrong. I thought there was something wrong with me. That if I could just find the right words, he’d finally listen, hear me, and understand. There would be no more built up stress and anger inside of me. I finally came to understand that was total bullshit! Narcissists know how to play the game of projection, manipulation, and victim!

I finally was able to accept that it NEVER mattered! Because he NEVER cared! I NEVER had a chance. I’ve learned since those days, I have great communication skills. I know how to listen and hear others! Narcissists could care less what you have to say because in their eyes, your wants, needs, and feelings mean nothing to them. Back in the early years of our marriage, he’d get upset and blow up about something. He wouldn’t talk to me for 2-4 days. I didn’t realize back then that’s passive aggressive behavior and it’s abusive. It was horrible walking around on eggshells. Many times I’d take Chris and go spend the night at a friends. The quiet was unbearably lonely. I fled that silence many times. Then he’d get over whatever his issue was and finally speak to me. However, one stipulation, there was no discussion, If I tried to discuss my thoughts, feelings, point of view, he shut me down. “I’m over that, forget about it I have.” 20+ years of no validation, respect, empathy, etc... No wonder my closet finally exploded and I turned into a raging bitch!

These days I know how to set firm boundaries. No one tells me my feelings are wrong. No one calls me filthy names or tries to brainwash me. No one puts their hands on me in anger. I don’t need anyone’s validation. I’m worthy, smart, honest, loyal, and I will accept nothing but, the same in return. Life isn’t always easy. sometimes it’s a freaking bitch, I’m so much better than I was. NEVER again will I be a doormat! GUESS WHAT BILL CONNEARNEY? YOU WERE WRONG! IT WASN’T ME, IT WAS YOU! I NO LONGER NEED YOU TO VALIDATE THAT. I KNOW IT’S TRUE. I’M GOOD WITH THAT! Stay healthy and well. I may love again, I will NEVER remarry! You did so many evil things to me. Trying your best to crush me. Even tried to kill me. I survived! I’ll NEVER let you off the hook! Pay back can be a bitch! Take that to your grave! It’s payback for all the evil, underhanded tricks and lies that you threw at me from Sept 2011 until Aug of 2013. How’s it working for you? I know every payday you get a little knife twist in your gut. Good! You reap what you sow baby!

"IT'S ALL ABOUT THE CONTROL"

It's a paradox I've never understood, regarding the type of control that Bill clings to. He was not jealous or possesive during our marriage. He never checked my phone, questioned me, etc... However, when it came to money, and/or major life decisions, he alone was in control. He made some major life decisions with no interest in my thoughts or opinions. For example, his bright idea one year after attending Ricoh school in LA for 2 weeks. He comes home and announces that he has a job offer from a classmate. This guy apparently owns his own business in the high desert. He's made some lofty promises regarding potential salary. He's made an offer that's too good to refuse, blah, blah, blah... Bill was supposedly going to make all this money. It was too great to pass up, yeah, yeah, yeah. He wouldn't listen to anything I had to say. He didn't care that his company had just spent thousands of dollars on the school he'd just attended. It was futile trying to have a mature conversation about it. He pretty much said, he didn't care what I did, he was going. If I didn't like it or agree, "there's the door." So we spend all this money on his impulsive whim. Pack up and move approx 3 and 1/2 hours North. For his "golden opportunity". It didn't take long for him to realize, he'd made a huge mistake! He was rehired by IKON w/in 2 months! Unfortunately it was at the branch in San Bernadino. Which was approx a 30-45 minute ride down the mountain pass that led away from the hell we were now trapped in!! This took place during the summer of 1993 till the following spring. Luckily, just as he had an offer from his former boss in San Diego, an insurance settlement I'd been expecting came through. Thousands of dollars on a hairbrained scheme. Because God forbid, Bill take the time to consider a decision and communicate as an adult rather than an impulsive jackass! Always, He has this obsessive need to be in complete control. When he got an idea into his head, there was no discussion, no consideration of any point of view but, his own. God forbid someone with common sense actually try to encourage him to act as an adult and consider all sides of a decision. Then again, wouldn't happen. When he gets a thought into his mind, he becomes almost manic. As if he needs to act quickly before something intefers with his chosen plan and prevents it from happening somehow. As I read over this posting, it makes complete sense that Bill Connearney acted the way he did. He's always valued money and possesions above all else. So it does make sense that he'd be a control freak re: money. He's an empty shell of a human being. I pity him.

"MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY part 2"

If you have been or if you are currently involved with a Narcissist, you're self esteem is most likely severely damaged and/or lacking. No matter what I did or said, it never seemed to be good enough. In the early years, my paycheck was the constant target. He constantly bitched about my wages. As the years passed, I went back to school, got a lot of work experience on my resume. Finally due to the experience and training, I was doing what I loved earning a salary that I was happy with. Bill seemed satisfied. As long as he got his cut twice a month, life was peaceful for a while. Although from time to time he'd bitch about the wear and tear on my car, I always tuned him out. I loved my job and nothing was going to jeopardize it! Unfortunately as the kids grew older, my work days grew shorter. Although I still made a decent wage Bill began to bitch about the shorter hours. He'd often suggest it was time to look for another position. I simply ignored his comments. I'd been with the family nearly ten years by this time. I made decent money and enjoyed a few benefits I wasn't willing to give up. There was however one problem, the mountain of debt Bill had built up over the years. The debt I'd never had a say in, was starting to take it's toll. My bitchy side felt little empathy. I'd begged him so many times over the years to slow down, practice some self control. He never respected nor cared about what I had to say. "I pay the bills. Don't worry about it. Just pay your rent!" Devalued, minimized, silenced. So it was hard to feel any sympathy for him. All the years I had no voice. My attitude basically was,"you made your bed, lie in it." If I could have foreseen the impact of his stress and the toll it would take, I wouldn't have dismissed it so easily. Well, as the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20. One day he announces that we're going to move to Escondido. A city 45 mins North inland from San Diego. Red neck, tweakerville. I understood that he worked in Escondido. That he had a long commute every day. I was willing to discuss moving. However, I wanted to discuss a compromise. Ahmi and I had Mommy and Me classes. She was in gymnastics and swimming lessons. The way I saw it there were options and why couldn't the move be convenient for all of us? Nope! In true Bill Connearney style, it was going to be his way or the highway. No discussion allowed! After so many years, I pushed back for once. Told him to forget it. I should have known better. Within 2 months he'd announce that he was leaving me. As always he'd do as he wished and the hell with anyone who might get in the way. I'd actually just been biding my time till the adoption was final. When Bill punched me in the face in September of 2009 I had decided it was over. As soon as Ahmi was safely out of the system, I had planned to move back to Boston and build a new life for her and I. I only wanted my girl. Turned out, Bill would only think about himself. In the end, I lost my girl to the substitutes and he lost all his money to me!

"ADDICTION'

Since my separation and divorce I've come to equate my marriage to Bill Connearney as an addiction. Although my head knows and accepts that I'm better off without him and his toxicity, my heart isn't always on board. I know one day when I think about him, a thought is all he'll be. That is when I will know I will finally be free of him and our past. After the final split I thought about our beginning. I came to some hard truths. In hindsight, I let myself get swept up in the fact that my long time secret wish was coming true. It was like a true life fairy tale. Although, I knew I should take things slow. I threw caution and common sense away too quickly. I'd developed a crush on Bill soon after the birth of my son. Of course I kept it to myself. As far as he or anyone else knew, we were just friends. About a year and half later he'd enlisted in the Navy and was gone. A few years passed, I was a single Mom. Busy with my life, raising a preschooler, working, etc... One day I happen to call his Moms looking for his sister and he picks up! I was thrilled and very surprised to hear his voice. I'd thought about him from time to time the past few years. Wondered how he was doing, etc... So we talked briefly and way to soon said our goodbyes. I thought about him a lot that night. The next afternoon I called his Mom's house under the pretext of once again seeking to speak wth his sister. Again he answered the phone and this time when we hung up, he would soon be stopping by my apartment. Long story shortened, we spent almost every moment of the next 2 weeks together. All too soon it was time for him to fly back to San Diego. It was the end of Sept,1987. We'd promised to stay in touch, write each other. Also discussed the possibility of me flying out to Ca in 2/1989 to visit when he returned from westpac. We'd also talked about kids. Bill had said that he didn't want kids until he was at least 30. At this time I thought we'd remain at friend level only and I was fine with that. I respected him for telling me. Of course, I was and always would be part of a package deal. Once he's back in SD, we talked all the time. One day in early Oct, he called and said that he's not going to hang up until he convinces me to move to SD and marry him! I started with, "I'm sorry, no". I reminded him about his statement re: children. He explains that he's given it a lot of thought. That he was wrong. That he was ready and wanted to be a family. So eventually, after a long time on the phone, I accepted his proposal. There's no rehab for this addiction of mine. Yes there's therapy. Been there, done that. Now, just the passage of time. It is easier with each passing day to divert my thoughts. Pull myself back into reality. An addiction as harmful as any other addiction. Unfortunately, there's no quick fix, no rehab, no 12 step program. Distance and time seem to be the only cure. Hmmm, rehab for one's heart, spirit, mind, and soul broken by divorce. Food for thought.

"MY WAY OR HIGHWAY part 1"

In the early 90's we lived in a townhome in Spring Valley, CA. It was a small complex and we became good friends with the original managers. In the late spring of 1993 Bill's company sent him to Ricoh school for the week in Orange county. Something that happened 4 or 5 times a year. This particular time he came home with a life changing plan re: a fellow student he'd met that week. It seemed the guy had a company in the high dessert approx 190 miles North of San Diego. He'd filled Bill's head with nonsense! "Come work for me. You'll make more money, yada yada blah blah." Bill all on his own, spur of the moment decides that he's going to run with it! Screw the company that had paid thousands of dollars training him over the years. That had given him a chance when he got out of the Navy. The company that he was doing well at. That was stable and well known. There was no discussion about it. He and he alone decided he was going to accept the position and that was that! I know, I should have left his ass right then. Hindsight is 20/20. Anyways, he moves up there in May or June. I joined him at the beginning of August. By the time I moved up there, he'd realized the guy had talked a lot of bullshit! His promises were nothing but, empty words! He in fact was back with his original company which luckily had a location in the area. My whole point is, the high desert sucked! It was either too freaking hot or miserable cold. It's a harsh, horrible environment and IMO people who live there are soft in the head! Luckily he was still in touch with his former boss in San Diego. With my encouragement he let him know of his desire to return to San Diego. That March he was informed of an opening and strings were pulled and upper management agreed he could have his old job back! Happy days! Luckily an insurance settlement had come through and I had the money to relocate us back to civilization. Yay seven months of hell were over! Thousands of dollars wasted on an impulsive scheme. Typical Bill Connearney act first think later. "Do what I want regardless if it's the right decision or not. Don't like it? There's the door."

"FORGIVENESS AND MOVING ON"

A friend who's opinion I do value and respect, thinks I should forget about filing a civil suit against Bill. That it's time to put it behind me and move on. I respect her opinion. However, this time it's wrong. I need to do this last thing. Over the past, nearly 3 years, Bill has; (1) Cost me my baby love. A large chunk of my heart and soul were lost in January 2011. He may have blown it all off."Sucked it up and moved on," I love her! I don't have the gift of throwing away people and pets who aren't convenient in the moment. Unlike Bill Connearney I don't value money above all else. (2) He exploited my devastating pain and grief. He secretly, illegally recorded a conversation in which he put words in my mouth, basically entrapping me. In normal circumstances I never would have said I'd shoot him in the head. He harassed me on that tape. Repeating himself over and over until he got me to agree with him. (3) Then he got away with trying to kill me. He left me with a horrible injury that he never took responsibility for. In fact over time, he changed his reality to where, he had nothing to do with it! I WENT TO FRUCKING JAIL! Never been in trouble until the bastard stood up in court and lied through his teeth! I can't work in my field because of him! No much as I love my friend, he still needs a monetary lesson that will follow him to the grave! He's an evil, selfish, abusive, vindictive bastard. Bill Connearney needs to pay in some way for the wrong he's done! It's the principal of everything. I'm going for $50,000 and the bastard is lucky I'm holding myself back! In CA, if you secretly record someone and then use it in court against them, under state law, you're liable for any and all damages! No suing him will be the end. I need him to be punished by the court. He's put me through hell. Systematically tried to destroy me. The one thing he cares about is his wallet. I want justice in front of the court. I deserve it! The bastard put his hands on me on 3 different occasions. The last 2 times, he caused horrible, devastating injuries. Yet, he lies and get's a restraining order? Bullshit! He needs to pay restitution for what he's done. I'm confident the court will see it my way. Once I get a judgement that will hang over his head the rest of his life, I'll forgive and forget. The S.O.B has never shown any remorse, maturity, or fairness. Why the hell should I continue to show him any? From the beginning I tried to act like an adult and just wanted things to be fairly split. Bill Connearney is the one who wouldn't have it. Well as the saying goes,"He made his bed, let him lie in it!"

"CONTROLLING, SELFISH, STUBBORN"

I still remember Bill coming home one day and telling me we were moving to Escondido. A city about 45 minutes inland and to the north of San Diego. I understood that moving was something we needed to discuss/seriously consider. He was the only one working full time at the moment as I was home with Ahmi. I planned (and he'd agreed) that I'd stay home until she started school. Anyways, although I knew it and was open to discussing it, Bill wasn't having a discussion. "I'm the only one working. That's where my company is. That's where I'm looking." Never mind that it was his fault re: the mountain of debt he was carrying on his back. That he'd charged most of it on his own. Forget that Ahmi and I had activities and classes most days during the week in San Diego. So what if I didn't want to move to/live in Escondido. He'd made up his mind. There was no compromise. No discussion. Just like it had always been, it was Dictator Bill Connearney telling me how it was going to be. Something welled up inside of me and I refused to follow this time. I dug my heels in and told him "no way. We're not moving." I'd simply reached the end of my rope as far as him always telling me what we were going to do. I finally got sick and tired of his bullying. Little did I know, he still planned on having his way. It was only a few months later that he announced he was leaving me. True Bill Connearney attitude. He'd always choose having his own way over any rational, mature discussion. Not to say it wasn't for the best in the long run. I mean by that time, I completely planned to divorce his ass and move back to Boston. I was selfish too. I simply wanted Ahmi's adoption to be finalized. I hoped we could split once she was safely out of the system. However, Bill who supposedly, "loved her so much." Apparently didn't love her enough and he refused to give it just a few more months until that could happen. Yet, he "loved her so much."

"OH NO, OH NO, BACK TO COURT WE GO"

Strange, somehow I had thought when the divorce was final, we would be. Not so grasshopper. Seems Bill is never going to follow the courts orders willingly in regard to spousal support. That's why he's actively trying to trash me in the Massachusetts courts now that California courts have caught on to him! It's ridiculous that the sob thinks he's above the law! I've got news for him, I'm not giving up. About to file contempt charges and a small claims case against him. It sucks that I have to once again take up the courts time however, I won't give up! Bill is so freaking delusional! He seems to feel he can do whatever the hell he wants! He's tried and failed four times to have my spousal support cut off. This last time the Judge told him it wasn't going to happen. That he'd followed the guide lines and that was that. "Pay her" were his exact words. Bill Connearney has once again blown him off and it appears he has no intention of following the judges orders. Well time to instigate contempt charges. Maybe if his ass goes to jail, it will finally sink in!
p.s. If you're dating and or thinking about dating someone named Bill Connearney? If you goggled his name and you're now reading this wondering if he's one and the same? If he's covered with tattoos. If he has a brother Paul, 2 sisters Jean and Nancy, it's a match! Woman to woman, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN! He may act charming and all that, IT'S ALL A LIE! He's an evil. selfish bastard! Beware! Condolences and best of luck to you!

"DECEIT, LIES, ABUSE, VIA BILL CONNEARNEY"

Jan 2011 I filed for divorce and for a support order. I was desperately trying to get my girl back and doing whatever the wrecker had told me towards that end. It was all for nothing. I found out later, the bitch already had her plan in place. She was a two faced backstabbing bitch who didn't have the decency to be honest and up front with me. Anyways, that's all water under the bridge and covered elsewhere so, back to Bill. In early Feb 2011 I was granted an order of support. Bill was stunned! I actually thought he was going to cry. He'd been sure I'd be turned down. It was obvious he'd never considered for a moment that I'd get a judgement. That night he called me and says, "look there's no way I can afford to pay you and my rent. Come move in, we'll cancel the divorce, and work together to try and get Ahmi back. I'll consider the $1599. room and board." Although, there was a part of me that knew it wasn't a good idea. I'd just lost her officially in court about a week earlier. I had a lot of resentment towards Bill re: the loss. I feared the anger and resentment would overtake me eventually. Resulting in an explosive situation. There was another side of me that thought, maybe it would help to be around someone who knew and (supposedly) loved her. I was slipping into the darkest cave of depression by this time. The grief was overwhelming. I desperately needed someone to validate and understand my pain. So, in the end, I let him talk me into it. His understanding and support lasted all of 2 weeks! I was slipping deeper and deeper into a black hole. I couldn't shower, eat, sleep. All I could do was cry. I wondered often, how the hell the tears continued to fall. Anyways, Bills supportive statement? "Suck it up and move on!" Pretty much a cold hearted bastard right? Believe it or not, he was just getting started! I would find out a year later, that he secretly recorded a conversation that took place right after I moved in. On the tape I'm crying and repeating over and over, "please get my baby back..." Bill is feeding me questions, "what are you going to do if I don't? What was it you said? Did you say you'd shoot me in the head?" I'd just suffered the devastating loss of my girl and this devious, piece of shit is exploiting my grief, putting words in my mouth, secretly recording the conversation! This is the tape he'd play more than a year later in court to get his bullshit order of protection! Anyways, during this same time period he began bugging me about canceling the papers. Something I kept putting off. Turns out that was the smartest decision on my part. Looking back, I have no doubt whatsoever that had I cancelled those papers, he'd have been at the courthouse the day after refiling as the petitioner! It drove him up the wall that I was the petitioner and not him. Bill always wants to be in control. It stuck in his gut that he had to file as Respondent. No matter if he was filing an action or answering mine. He even wrote it the wrong way on one set of papers and the court made him correct it. Knowing him like I do, that absolutely was very hard for him to swallow! For the first time in 23 years, I was in the drivers seat. He wasn't happy about it. Just how pissed off he was would soon be revealed. His attempt to kill me was coming soon. I'm sure however, even before that, right from the start. He asked me to move in and already had a plan in mind to destroy me. All because I had the nerve to seek an order of support from the court and worst of all, it was granted!

"THE TRUTH IS THE TRUTH"

***WARNING STRONG LANGUAGE*** In all the years that Bill Connearney and I were together, he never took responsibility for his words or behavior. In Bill's world, there's no owning or apologizing. Instead apparently, you deny that it ever happened. Words of denial can rewrite the past. Wow! If it only were that easy! There's a few things I'd erase from my history if it only worked that way. I however, live in a true reality. I own my screw ups and bad choices. Good and bad, my past is my past. I recently was told Bill denied ever choking me. Accordingly, he never put his hands around my throat. Bill Connearney, you're a F@CKING scumbag LIAR! I was severely depressed. Devestated over the loss of MY girl. You were tired of me crying and grieving. You were telling me to leave at 2:30 in the morning. I was begging at least 5x for you to leave me alone. I tried to get a cigarette and go out onto the balcony to get away from you. When I was in the kitchen you wrapped your hands around my throat and tried to crush my windpipe with your thumbs! You took me to the floor and I tried to kick up at you, attempting to breathe. That's when you knelt on my right knee, forced it the wrong way into the floor, tearing my ACL and Meniscus. You came very close to taking my life. If I hadn't dug my nails into you out of desperation, I'd be dead! You know it, and I know it! You're a dirty F@CKING liar! The fact that you're lying about it, doesn't change it! Under penalty of Perjury and lawsuit, I declare the following to be the absolute truth! BILL CONNEARNEY TRIED TO KILL ME IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS OF MAY 5, 2011. He put his hands around my throat and attempted to crush my windpipe with his thumbs! He caused a horrible injury to my leg that took months to heal. The only reason I'm alive is my will to live kicked in at the last moment. I dug my nails into him and wouldn't let go. Bill Connearney you're an abusive, lying, scumbag, waste of life, attempted murderer! We reap what we sow. The time is coming very, very soon! Burn in hell!

"WAS IT ALL ME?"

When I think back on all the red flags over the years, I wonder what the hell I was thinking. I'm continuing to work on myself. Finding the answers inside of me. I acknowledge putting up with his crap all the years that I did tells me I still have work to do. We split for the final time in September of 2011. I've done a lot of contemplating, grieving, healing, and talking since then. My therapist was right the day he said to me, "we marry what we know." I'd never considered till that moment the similarities between Bill and my Mother! One thing I've learned and am very proud of, I'll never allow anyone to disrespect me like that again. I can 100% say that anyone who puts their hands on me is going straight to jail! I guess that's the silver lining I can walk away with. Ever since he blackened my eyes in September of 2009, I'd known that we were done. I won't go into it here but, I had my reasons for not throwing his ass in jail that night. For covering up what he'd done to me. Those who've read my original blog, Child Punishing Service, know the story and the price I paid. Anyways, all the put downs, criticism, and devaluing took their toll over time of course. I'd actually catch myself wondering if he was right. Was I evil? Were his ugly words accurate? NO!! He's a defective human being who can't accept/own up to his own shortcomings. I've learned and come to accept, he puts everything on others because to accept any responsibility is beyond him. I sometimes think about the love I used to feel. I think about the sweet, loving, special things he did over the years and how he wiped it all away with his diabolical, abusive, horrific behavior the last 2 and 1/2 years. I'm starting to realize, the moments of sadness these days aren't about Bill. It's the loss of what was supposed to be. I think that's a huge step for me. With each passing day I believe/accept, it takes two! All I ever asked for was validation, respect, and to come 1st half the time, that's not a lot! Bill Connearney, I pity you. You were wrong! All the bad things you would say about me, look in the mirror and repeat! You're EVIL, ABUSIVE, SELFISH, AND A LIAR! Anyone who values money above all, is an empty shell of a being! You're not a man! We don't erase or change the past through denial! You did try to kill me in the early morning hours of 5/5/2011! You put your hands around my throat, cut off my air flow, and tried to crush my windpipe with your thumbs! You're a BULL SHIT LIAR! I hope you rot in HELL!

"GETTING MARRIED"

So Bill moves to San Diego to join the Navy and time moves on. During those years I broke it off with Chris's dad and was going it alone. A month before Chris's 5th birthday, Bill came home on leave. We met up with each other and soon were spending all of our free time together. He's home for 2 weeks and it passes in a blur! During this time things moved way faster than they otherwise should have. He said he loved me and wanted me to marry him. I didn't say it back at first but, by the end of his leave I had. We planned that the following August, eleven months away, I'd fly out and visit him in San Diego. One huge concern I had, he'd stated that he wasn't ready for kids. Chris and I were a package deal. I didn't really see it going anywhere. He returns to his life in San Diego way too soon but, life goes on. We write and talk on the phone. Sometime within the first two weeks he calls and asks me to hear him out before responding. He's decided we shouldn't wait. That we should get married right away. That he misses me and wants me to be with him. I tell him "I'm sorry but, no. Chris is still part of the deal and you said you aren't ready for the responsibility." He says, he's done some thinking and he's changed his mind. I put him off for a few days. Looking back, I wished I'd stood my ground. I wish I'd noticed how he stressed getting more money from the Navy. In hindsight, I believe that was the inspiration for his "change of heart." We represented dollar signs. Maybe he had other factors in mind also. However, as I'd come to know, money means everything to Bill! Eventually I let myself be talked into it. I said yes and began to make plans for Chris and I to move from Massachusetts to San Diego. I had a little more than a month. It was the beginning of October. We'd be leaving on November 10th.

"THE BEGINNING"

Bill and I grew up in the same neighborhood. As kids we didn't get along. This was mainly because of an Incident that happened the year he was a 5th grader and our bus monitor. I was a year behind him and could be a smart ass like most kids that age. One day after school instead of sitting in my seat, I was up talking to friends. He asked me to take my seat and I mouthed off before eventually doing it. I got off at my usual stop and Bill who usually rode the final two stops, also left the bus. When the bus pulled away he slapped me in the face causing my glasses to fall off my face, into the street where they broke. My parent's filed a lawsuit for the cost of replacement. He had to do community service to pay for the glasses and proceeded to hate me for the next five years. I was actually best friends with his younger sister and liked his brother for a time. However, he couldn't see us together or there'd be grief! Soon after I turned fifteen I ran away from home and soon after that, things got names better between us. He stopped chasing me off, calling me names, basically he forgave and stopped being a bully. Bill worked with my sons Dad back then and his sister was Chris's godmother so we saw each other more often. One day, I was sitting in their living room nursing Chris. I heard the front door open and then, Bill's voice asking Nancy if the baby was there. He got really excited, came rushing into the living room. He was embarrassed to find me in the middle of feeding Chris. It was such a contrast to his normal persona, I thought it sweet to see a different side of him. It was while watching him talk baby talk to my son that, the seeds of a secret crush were planted. A crush I'd keep to myself for five years.