"VALIDATION"

Well the 4th of last month was the 2nd anniversary of the divorce. March 15th marks 3.5 years since our final split. The paper of fraud expired last Thursday. At long last, that lie is off me! All the times Bill Connearney told ME I was evil?! I now know that was the Narcissist projecting his own self onto me! When we first split it was very tough. I was obsessed with the need of hearing him finally taking responsibility and apologizing for the evil things he’d done. I fantasized that he’d come to me, admit how wrong he’d been, apologize and I’d tell him to go straight to hell. One day my therepist asked me, “what do you need in order to close the door and move on?” I had my standard answer, I needed Bill to own his responsibility and apologize. Then that wise man would ask, “what if that never happens, then what? How can Lynn be okay?”

It took a little more work yet, eventually I was able to let it go. All those years of his evil words, my self doubt and guilt, gone. I finally realized that all of the put downs, manipulations, selfishness, minimizing, those are the traits of the Narcissist! That is the core of who Bill Connearney is.That’s who HE is. Honestly, I can yell, I'm very passionate. Especially when I feel attacked or when I feel ignored, not heard. However, when I’m validated, heard, and respected, that trait is non existent. So many years of thinking I was communicating wrong. I thought there was something wrong with me. That if I could just find the right words, he’d finally listen, hear me, and understand. There would be no more built up stress and anger inside of me. I finally came to understand that was total bullshit! Narcissists know how to play the game of projection, manipulation, and victim!

I finally was able to accept that it NEVER mattered! Because he NEVER cared! I NEVER had a chance. I’ve learned since those days, I have great communication skills. I know how to listen and hear others! Narcissists could care less what you have to say because in their eyes, your wants, needs, and feelings mean nothing to them. Back in the early years of our marriage, he’d get upset and blow up about something. He wouldn’t talk to me for 2-4 days. I didn’t realize back then that’s passive aggressive behavior and it’s abusive. It was horrible walking around on eggshells. Many times I’d take Chris and go spend the night at a friends. The quiet was unbearably lonely. I fled that silence many times. Then he’d get over whatever his issue was and finally speak to me. However, one stipulation, there was no discussion, If I tried to discuss my thoughts, feelings, point of view, he shut me down. “I’m over that, forget about it I have.” 20+ years of no validation, respect, empathy, etc... No wonder my closet finally exploded and I turned into a raging bitch!

These days I know how to set firm boundaries. No one tells me my feelings are wrong. No one calls me filthy names or tries to brainwash me. No one puts their hands on me in anger. I don’t need anyone’s validation. I’m worthy, smart, honest, loyal, and I will accept nothing but, the same in return. Life isn’t always easy. sometimes it’s a freaking bitch, I’m so much better than I was. NEVER again will I be a doormat! GUESS WHAT BILL CONNEARNEY? YOU WERE WRONG! IT WASN’T ME, IT WAS YOU! I NO LONGER NEED YOU TO VALIDATE THAT. I KNOW IT’S TRUE. I’M GOOD WITH THAT! Stay healthy and well. I may love again, I will NEVER remarry! You did so many evil things to me. Trying your best to crush me. Even tried to kill me. I survived! I’ll NEVER let you off the hook! Pay back can be a bitch! Take that to your grave! It’s payback for all the evil, underhanded tricks and lies that you threw at me from Sept 2011 until Aug of 2013. How’s it working for you? I know every payday you get a little knife twist in your gut. Good! You reap what you sow baby!

"APPRECIATION, FORGIVENESS, MOVING ON"

Dear Bill Connearny,

I'd like to thank you for: Moving me to San Diego. Although the first year was tough, I grew to love it and I'm grateful that I spent my adult years here. For Patches. It truly touched my heart that you heard my offhand comment and went out and bought him for me. He was the best bunny and I loved him. For being there during my surgeries. I know taking time off of work isn't an easy choice for you. I appreciated the support during those challenges. I'm still embarrassed re: the ketchup bottle. I truly didn't mean for it to shatter. You were very patient. The Christmas that I became so deathly sick? I don't remember much of that time. I do remember you getting me cleaned up after work each day. Thank you for the 3 days of nursing that you gave me. Thank you for the greatest gift of all. Supporting my fostering. I know you thought I'd get it out of my system and that would be that. However, buying and setting up the nursery, coming to the cpr class, etc... I had the greatest gift in knowing, loving, and nurturing the greatest little girl ever born. My time was too brief with her but, I know she and I will meet again.

I forgive you for: getting a vasectomy behind my back and lying about it. I forgive you for always having to get your way. You are a selfish s.o.b. but, I stayed and put up with it. I forgive myself for that. I forgive you for the 3 severe beatings I suffered at your hands. The 12 days I lost due to my black eyes when you punched me in the face 3 times. When I had to stay home and hide what you had done. Even the last time when you almost killed me because I wouldn't leave at 2:30 in the morning. When I was so devastated and depressed over Ahmi that all I did was cry 24/7. Sorry I couldn't "just suck it up and move on." When my plea for you to just leave me alone resulted in your hands around my throat. Your thumbs trying to crush my windpipe. When you messed up my leg so bad I couldn't walk without pain for 6 months. One thing I'm sure of, no man will EVER put their hands on me again and remain free. Their ass will be in a cage within the hour. I forgive myself that your ass isn't rotting in prison. Letting you get away with attempted murder was not my finest moment. You tried to kill me but, I survived! I'm not afraid of much these days. I'm a hell of a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. I forgive all the put downs, the evil talk, the devaluing, and the dismissals. Because I now know, you are full of shit! You're not a healthy person. In the end, your opinions mean nothing. I know inside now, it takes 2 and I'm okay and getting stronger every day. It no longer matters that you take no responsibility. I no longer need your validation. You never will be healthy. I know that now. That's truly pitiful.

I'm grateful that: I no longer have to walk on egg shells. That I no longer slam my head into cement walls to release the anxiety, frustration, and stress I was living with. I'm grateful that I didn't cause serious damage to myself. As I had no sense of pain during those awful times. I'm grateful that your toxicity is gone from my life. That I'm no longer devalued, dismissed, denied a voice. That I no longer live with your passive/aggressive behavior. That I'm spared your criticisms. That I no longer have to listen to your constant exaggerations or bear witness to the victim act you play so well.

I'm continuing to work on forgiving you for: Turning your back on Ahmi. In the end, much too little, much too late. Your betrayal of me re: Genny Wrocklage. You threw me under the bus. 2 back stabbing, lying, little bitches! In the end, my first blog exposed her lying ass and stained her career. She's actually not a social wrecker anymore. Maybe I did some good after all. At least she no longer damages children! This blog exposes you as the devil from hell that you are! Too bad whining to Judge Brown got you no where! Sorry 100% true story of my life. I will continue to post and this blog will outlast both of us! I love the first amendment. God bless America! I don't regret warning T### about you. She seems very nice. After all she's survived, she didn't need your crap polluting her life. For the record, I didn't "wreck your life." You did with your lies! I told the truth! Something you know nothing about! The difference between the 2 of us? I had the proof to back up my words. When you tell the truth, life's a whole lot easier. Something you'll never understand. I am still working on trying to forgive you for the filthy lies you told in order to get your fake r.o. You've disrupted my life for 2 and 1/2 years. Took away my livelihood. Working with children is what I was born to do. You selfishly took that from me. Because of your sick need to be in control. Well, that ends in February. Thank God you admitted under oath during the divorce trial your illegal action re: the "evidence" If you even think about taking any action on the expiration of the fraud... Let's just say, I'm no longer suffering from major depression. Bring it on... You don't even get that the order of spousal support with no expiration was most likely to punish you. Judge Brown saw quite clearly in the end who the problem was. Who was continually lying to him. One day you will be nothing more than a passing shadow of a thought. On that day I will know that I am 100% finally free. You did your best in trying to destroy me and you failed! I have come through hell and I am stronger than I ever knew. You are the same old, same old. How sad is that? I pity and pray for you. Enjoy your empty life.

"YOU WRECKED MY LIFE"

Those were the last words Bill said to me after court on July 8th. A true Narcissistic typical Bill Connearney statement! Let's review; My precious girl had been placed with the substitutes. I did cover up the Domestic Violence when he punched me in the face 3x. blackening my eyes for 12 days. I take full responsibility of hiding that for 15 months. However, it doesn't take freaking rocket science to figure out, IT NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED IN THE FIRST PLACE!! To make it worse, when the wreckers asked him about it, the PUSSY lied! That's right Bill Connearney lied! He claimed we'd had an argument, he'd dropped me off, when he came home later, I had the injury to my face! I'd love to know the scenario where I could possibly injure myself so severely? We're talking thick black and purple bruising the whole top half of my face! I looked like Rocky Balboa! So, I lost my heart (Ahmi), She went through traumatic emotional upheaval that will possibly effect her the rest of her life. The bastard tried to kill me. Left me with a devastating injury to my leg that took months to heal. Lied to the court, faked evidence, obtained a protective order that he's used as a tool to control, abuse, and manipulate. He's put me in frucking jail just because he's an evil, vindictive bastard. I've been homeless. I'm unable to work in the field I love due to his paper of fraud. I have a frucking record because of him. Yet, I wrecked his life? Just goes to show what a egotistical, selfish, evil, abusive bastard he is! God, how could I have put up with his sorry ass for so many years? What a son of a bitch he is! I'm grateful that I have finally woken up. The piece of crap was always on my case re: the black depression I fell into for a year after losing Ahmi. Since he'd cancelled my health insurance as of 1/1/11 I had no resources to seek help. If you know anything about depression, the longer you wait to get help, the worse it gets. Anyways, the prick had the attitude that I,"should suck it up and move on." As if crying 24/7 was a choice I made or something I enjoyed! Anyways, now that I'm in remission, I thank God everyday that Depression is treatable w/ meds and therapy. Personality defects like Narcissism, no hope/help. I'd much rather be depressed! The pitiful thing to me is, he isn't capable of understanding that there's something wrong with him. That's sad and creepy! I say, "Fuck narcissists! They'll bring nothing good to your life!" Unless you don't mind putting their wants and needs above your own 100% of the time. If you don't mind being minimized and dismissed. If you want to always be second class in the relationship, avoid narcissists like the Black Plague!

"THE TRUTH IS THE TRUTH"

***WARNING STRONG LANGUAGE*** In all the years that Bill Connearney and I were together, he never took responsibility for his words or behavior. In Bill's world, there's no owning or apologizing. Instead apparently, you deny that it ever happened. Words of denial can rewrite the past. Wow! If it only were that easy! There's a few things I'd erase from my history if it only worked that way. I however, live in a true reality. I own my screw ups and bad choices. Good and bad, my past is my past. I recently was told Bill denied ever choking me. Accordingly, he never put his hands around my throat. Bill Connearney, you're a F@CKING scumbag LIAR! I was severely depressed. Devestated over the loss of MY girl. You were tired of me crying and grieving. You were telling me to leave at 2:30 in the morning. I was begging at least 5x for you to leave me alone. I tried to get a cigarette and go out onto the balcony to get away from you. When I was in the kitchen you wrapped your hands around my throat and tried to crush my windpipe with your thumbs! You took me to the floor and I tried to kick up at you, attempting to breathe. That's when you knelt on my right knee, forced it the wrong way into the floor, tearing my ACL and Meniscus. You came very close to taking my life. If I hadn't dug my nails into you out of desperation, I'd be dead! You know it, and I know it! You're a dirty F@CKING liar! The fact that you're lying about it, doesn't change it! Under penalty of Perjury and lawsuit, I declare the following to be the absolute truth! BILL CONNEARNEY TRIED TO KILL ME IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS OF MAY 5, 2011. He put his hands around my throat and attempted to crush my windpipe with his thumbs! He caused a horrible injury to my leg that took months to heal. The only reason I'm alive is my will to live kicked in at the last moment. I dug my nails into him and wouldn't let go. Bill Connearney you're an abusive, lying, scumbag, waste of life, attempted murderer! We reap what we sow. The time is coming very, very soon! Burn in hell!