"IF ANYONE READING IS LIVING THIS LIFE"

Hello you. Yes, you reading this blog. I so desperately wish I could talk personally with each and every one of you. Is this your reality? Even bits and pieces? Narcissism can be and most likely is on a spectrum. Maybe all I've experienced, hasn't touched you. Or, maybe you're living with something more severe? You all matter to me. No one should have to live with abuse. We all deserve better. When I started this blog it was about healing. Taking my voice back. The Narcissist plays the perfect victim and Bill was no exception. Throughout the 2 years of our separation, he played it so well, he convinced the court to his side for awhile. Convinced the judge that I was the problem. Thank goodness in my case the truth came out in the end. Bill made 2 major mistakes. One, he got caught in 3 major lies to the judge. Two, we didn't have lawyers, so during our divorce trial, I was allowed to question him on the stand. Although he tried and tried to avoid answering my questions, after 20-25 minutes he had no choice and the truth came out. His fraud was exposed once and for all and I was granted lifetime spousal support. Of course in true Narcissistic form, "I'm a blood sucking leech." He'll never, ever admit to his lies and his role in that final judgement. That's not how they roll. A narcissist never accepts responsibility for their bad choices and bad behavior. That's okay. In the end, for me, it was about vindication in a court of law. I had moved past the need of validation or acceptance from him. I want to say something from the bottom of my heart to each and every reader, You are worthy, lovable, and you deserve respect. Leaving an abusive situation may seem scary, unthinkable, you may be afraid of being alone. You may have doubts regarding your abilities, etc... Please believe me, I had all those same doubts. I will not lie and say it was easy. Truth is, it was a bitch! There were days that were filled with sadness, doubt, and urges to just give up. However, somehow someway, I kept pushing on! I HAVE SURVIVED! I am strong! It took me 48 years to finally realize that about myself! Life has thrown it's best yet, I have survived it all. I am so happy, proud, and at peace. I AM WORTHY! I WILL NEVER ACCEPT LESS THAN I DESERVE AGAIN! I would like to invite anyone (female) interested to my community on Google+ "Finding The Happy Ever After" A safe, supportive, respectful community for females living with, leaving, or recovering from toxicity. Thank you for reading. God bless you all. I wish you peace! You deserve it.❤️❤️

"VALIDATION"

Well the 4th of last month was the 2nd anniversary of the divorce. March 15th marks 3.5 years since our final split. The paper of fraud expired last Thursday. At long last, that lie is off me! All the times Bill Connearney told ME I was evil?! I now know that was the Narcissist projecting his own self onto me! When we first split it was very tough. I was obsessed with the need of hearing him finally taking responsibility and apologizing for the evil things he’d done. I fantasized that he’d come to me, admit how wrong he’d been, apologize and I’d tell him to go straight to hell. One day my therepist asked me, “what do you need in order to close the door and move on?” I had my standard answer, I needed Bill to own his responsibility and apologize. Then that wise man would ask, “what if that never happens, then what? How can Lynn be okay?”

It took a little more work yet, eventually I was able to let it go. All those years of his evil words, my self doubt and guilt, gone. I finally realized that all of the put downs, manipulations, selfishness, minimizing, those are the traits of the Narcissist! That is the core of who Bill Connearney is.That’s who HE is. Honestly, I can yell, I'm very passionate. Especially when I feel attacked or when I feel ignored, not heard. However, when I’m validated, heard, and respected, that trait is non existent. So many years of thinking I was communicating wrong. I thought there was something wrong with me. That if I could just find the right words, he’d finally listen, hear me, and understand. There would be no more built up stress and anger inside of me. I finally came to understand that was total bullshit! Narcissists know how to play the game of projection, manipulation, and victim!

I finally was able to accept that it NEVER mattered! Because he NEVER cared! I NEVER had a chance. I’ve learned since those days, I have great communication skills. I know how to listen and hear others! Narcissists could care less what you have to say because in their eyes, your wants, needs, and feelings mean nothing to them. Back in the early years of our marriage, he’d get upset and blow up about something. He wouldn’t talk to me for 2-4 days. I didn’t realize back then that’s passive aggressive behavior and it’s abusive. It was horrible walking around on eggshells. Many times I’d take Chris and go spend the night at a friends. The quiet was unbearably lonely. I fled that silence many times. Then he’d get over whatever his issue was and finally speak to me. However, one stipulation, there was no discussion, If I tried to discuss my thoughts, feelings, point of view, he shut me down. “I’m over that, forget about it I have.” 20+ years of no validation, respect, empathy, etc... No wonder my closet finally exploded and I turned into a raging bitch!

These days I know how to set firm boundaries. No one tells me my feelings are wrong. No one calls me filthy names or tries to brainwash me. No one puts their hands on me in anger. I don’t need anyone’s validation. I’m worthy, smart, honest, loyal, and I will accept nothing but, the same in return. Life isn’t always easy. sometimes it’s a freaking bitch, I’m so much better than I was. NEVER again will I be a doormat! GUESS WHAT BILL CONNEARNEY? YOU WERE WRONG! IT WASN’T ME, IT WAS YOU! I NO LONGER NEED YOU TO VALIDATE THAT. I KNOW IT’S TRUE. I’M GOOD WITH THAT! Stay healthy and well. I may love again, I will NEVER remarry! You did so many evil things to me. Trying your best to crush me. Even tried to kill me. I survived! I’ll NEVER let you off the hook! Pay back can be a bitch! Take that to your grave! It’s payback for all the evil, underhanded tricks and lies that you threw at me from Sept 2011 until Aug of 2013. How’s it working for you? I know every payday you get a little knife twist in your gut. Good! You reap what you sow baby!

"FORGIVENESS AND MOVING ON"

A friend who's opinion I do value and respect, thinks I should forget about filing a civil suit against Bill. That it's time to put it behind me and move on. I respect her opinion. However, this time it's wrong. I need to do this last thing. Over the past, nearly 3 years, Bill has; (1) Cost me my baby love. A large chunk of my heart and soul were lost in January 2011. He may have blown it all off."Sucked it up and moved on," I love her! I don't have the gift of throwing away people and pets who aren't convenient in the moment. Unlike Bill Connearney I don't value money above all else. (2) He exploited my devastating pain and grief. He secretly, illegally recorded a conversation in which he put words in my mouth, basically entrapping me. In normal circumstances I never would have said I'd shoot him in the head. He harassed me on that tape. Repeating himself over and over until he got me to agree with him. (3) Then he got away with trying to kill me. He left me with a horrible injury that he never took responsibility for. In fact over time, he changed his reality to where, he had nothing to do with it! I WENT TO FRUCKING JAIL! Never been in trouble until the bastard stood up in court and lied through his teeth! I can't work in my field because of him! No much as I love my friend, he still needs a monetary lesson that will follow him to the grave! He's an evil, selfish, abusive, vindictive bastard. Bill Connearney needs to pay in some way for the wrong he's done! It's the principal of everything. I'm going for $50,000 and the bastard is lucky I'm holding myself back! In CA, if you secretly record someone and then use it in court against them, under state law, you're liable for any and all damages! No suing him will be the end. I need him to be punished by the court. He's put me through hell. Systematically tried to destroy me. The one thing he cares about is his wallet. I want justice in front of the court. I deserve it! The bastard put his hands on me on 3 different occasions. The last 2 times, he caused horrible, devastating injuries. Yet, he lies and get's a restraining order? Bullshit! He needs to pay restitution for what he's done. I'm confident the court will see it my way. Once I get a judgement that will hang over his head the rest of his life, I'll forgive and forget. The S.O.B has never shown any remorse, maturity, or fairness. Why the hell should I continue to show him any? From the beginning I tried to act like an adult and just wanted things to be fairly split. Bill Connearney is the one who wouldn't have it. Well as the saying goes,"He made his bed, let him lie in it!"

"YOU WRECKED MY LIFE"

Those were the last words Bill said to me after court on July 8th. A true Narcissistic typical Bill Connearney statement! Let's review; My precious girl had been placed with the substitutes. I did cover up the Domestic Violence when he punched me in the face 3x. blackening my eyes for 12 days. I take full responsibility of hiding that for 15 months. However, it doesn't take freaking rocket science to figure out, IT NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED IN THE FIRST PLACE!! To make it worse, when the wreckers asked him about it, the PUSSY lied! That's right Bill Connearney lied! He claimed we'd had an argument, he'd dropped me off, when he came home later, I had the injury to my face! I'd love to know the scenario where I could possibly injure myself so severely? We're talking thick black and purple bruising the whole top half of my face! I looked like Rocky Balboa! So, I lost my heart (Ahmi), She went through traumatic emotional upheaval that will possibly effect her the rest of her life. The bastard tried to kill me. Left me with a devastating injury to my leg that took months to heal. Lied to the court, faked evidence, obtained a protective order that he's used as a tool to control, abuse, and manipulate. He's put me in frucking jail just because he's an evil, vindictive bastard. I've been homeless. I'm unable to work in the field I love due to his paper of fraud. I have a frucking record because of him. Yet, I wrecked his life? Just goes to show what a egotistical, selfish, evil, abusive bastard he is! God, how could I have put up with his sorry ass for so many years? What a son of a bitch he is! I'm grateful that I have finally woken up. The piece of crap was always on my case re: the black depression I fell into for a year after losing Ahmi. Since he'd cancelled my health insurance as of 1/1/11 I had no resources to seek help. If you know anything about depression, the longer you wait to get help, the worse it gets. Anyways, the prick had the attitude that I,"should suck it up and move on." As if crying 24/7 was a choice I made or something I enjoyed! Anyways, now that I'm in remission, I thank God everyday that Depression is treatable w/ meds and therapy. Personality defects like Narcissism, no hope/help. I'd much rather be depressed! The pitiful thing to me is, he isn't capable of understanding that there's something wrong with him. That's sad and creepy! I say, "Fuck narcissists! They'll bring nothing good to your life!" Unless you don't mind putting their wants and needs above your own 100% of the time. If you don't mind being minimized and dismissed. If you want to always be second class in the relationship, avoid narcissists like the Black Plague!

"THE TRUTH IS THE TRUTH"

***WARNING STRONG LANGUAGE*** In all the years that Bill Connearney and I were together, he never took responsibility for his words or behavior. In Bill's world, there's no owning or apologizing. Instead apparently, you deny that it ever happened. Words of denial can rewrite the past. Wow! If it only were that easy! There's a few things I'd erase from my history if it only worked that way. I however, live in a true reality. I own my screw ups and bad choices. Good and bad, my past is my past. I recently was told Bill denied ever choking me. Accordingly, he never put his hands around my throat. Bill Connearney, you're a F@CKING scumbag LIAR! I was severely depressed. Devestated over the loss of MY girl. You were tired of me crying and grieving. You were telling me to leave at 2:30 in the morning. I was begging at least 5x for you to leave me alone. I tried to get a cigarette and go out onto the balcony to get away from you. When I was in the kitchen you wrapped your hands around my throat and tried to crush my windpipe with your thumbs! You took me to the floor and I tried to kick up at you, attempting to breathe. That's when you knelt on my right knee, forced it the wrong way into the floor, tearing my ACL and Meniscus. You came very close to taking my life. If I hadn't dug my nails into you out of desperation, I'd be dead! You know it, and I know it! You're a dirty F@CKING liar! The fact that you're lying about it, doesn't change it! Under penalty of Perjury and lawsuit, I declare the following to be the absolute truth! BILL CONNEARNEY TRIED TO KILL ME IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS OF MAY 5, 2011. He put his hands around my throat and attempted to crush my windpipe with his thumbs! He caused a horrible injury to my leg that took months to heal. The only reason I'm alive is my will to live kicked in at the last moment. I dug my nails into him and wouldn't let go. Bill Connearney you're an abusive, lying, scumbag, waste of life, attempted murderer! We reap what we sow. The time is coming very, very soon! Burn in hell!

"WAS IT ALL ME?"

When I think back on all the red flags over the years, I wonder what the hell I was thinking. I'm continuing to work on myself. Finding the answers inside of me. I acknowledge putting up with his crap all the years that I did tells me I still have work to do. We split for the final time in September of 2011. I've done a lot of contemplating, grieving, healing, and talking since then. My therapist was right the day he said to me, "we marry what we know." I'd never considered till that moment the similarities between Bill and my Mother! One thing I've learned and am very proud of, I'll never allow anyone to disrespect me like that again. I can 100% say that anyone who puts their hands on me is going straight to jail! I guess that's the silver lining I can walk away with. Ever since he blackened my eyes in September of 2009, I'd known that we were done. I won't go into it here but, I had my reasons for not throwing his ass in jail that night. For covering up what he'd done to me. Those who've read my original blog, Child Punishing Service, know the story and the price I paid. Anyways, all the put downs, criticism, and devaluing took their toll over time of course. I'd actually catch myself wondering if he was right. Was I evil? Were his ugly words accurate? NO!! He's a defective human being who can't accept/own up to his own shortcomings. I've learned and come to accept, he puts everything on others because to accept any responsibility is beyond him. I sometimes think about the love I used to feel. I think about the sweet, loving, special things he did over the years and how he wiped it all away with his diabolical, abusive, horrific behavior the last 2 and 1/2 years. I'm starting to realize, the moments of sadness these days aren't about Bill. It's the loss of what was supposed to be. I think that's a huge step for me. With each passing day I believe/accept, it takes two! All I ever asked for was validation, respect, and to come 1st half the time, that's not a lot! Bill Connearney, I pity you. You were wrong! All the bad things you would say about me, look in the mirror and repeat! You're EVIL, ABUSIVE, SELFISH, AND A LIAR! Anyone who values money above all, is an empty shell of a being! You're not a man! We don't erase or change the past through denial! You did try to kill me in the early morning hours of 5/5/2011! You put your hands around my throat, cut off my air flow, and tried to crush my windpipe with your thumbs! You're a BULL SHIT LIAR! I hope you rot in HELL!