Resolution, Not Conflict The guide to problem-solving. by Susan Heitler, Ph.D.
*** Comments between the ***are my own. If you'd like to read more on Narcissism, a link to the complete article is at the end of the posting. Sections of "6 Sure Signs Of Narcissism" used with permission of the Author Susan Heitler Ph.D. Much thanks and appreciation.
To identify narcissism a good place to start is with clarity about what healthy personal and social functioning look like. The bottom line is that healthy folks are able to sustain both selfishness and altruism. Emotionally healthy functioning is characterized by ability to hear your own concerns, thoughts, and feelings and also to be responsive to others’ concerns. .
Narcissistic folks often are very generous. They may, for instance, give away large sums of money to charity. Generous giving makes the giver feel good and also feels appropriate, like "the right" thing to do. At the same time, when there is a situation in which someone who tends toward narcissism wants something, and that desire is in conflict with what someone else wants, that's when the selfish side takes over.
*** My wants and needs never came first in all the years we were together. It doesn't say much for me that I put up with it. I'm still working on that. I can say that my eyes are open. My spirit is strong. I never knew the behavior I came to accept as normal had a name. I do now. I will never allow a Narcissistic personality to poison my life again! One thing I do know these days, I'm a valuable person. I deserve respect. I have a voice***
THE QUIZ
Sign #1: UNILATERAL LISTENING
What I want is all that matters. When we make decisions together, what you want, your concerns, your feelings, these are mere whispers, inconveniences and irrelevancies. When we discuss issues, my opinions are right. Yours are wrong or else of minimal importance. If you expect to have input, you are undermining me. Instead of listening in order to be responsive, narcissistic listening listens to dismiss, negate, ignore, minimize, denigrate or otherwise render irrelevant other people’s concerns. One specific indicator: frequent responses that begin with "But....", which is linguistically a backspace-delete key.
Score: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
BILLS SCORE: 8
***Looking back the consistent theme was Bill's wants and needs always came first. I chalked it up to selfishness. Which of course, isn't any more acceptable in a healthy relationship. Looking back, I realize I allowed and or put up with behaviors that I should have walked away from a long time ago. Honestly I think it was part fantasy. Lying to myself was easier than making a change. Being alone. I kept thinking, one day he'd magically change. That he'd actually put my needs and wants before his own. Of course that day never came. My awesome Therapist told me, "it's a myth that girls marry their Dads. We actually are drawn to what we're familiar with. What we're used to". That was the first time I realized, I'd married my Mother".***
Sign #2 IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!
I know more, I know better, I’m more interesting, When we talk, it’s mostly about me. In conversations, I take up most of the air time. Maybe that's why people say I suck up all the air in a room. When I want something, I need to have it. Never mind how you feel about it; it’s all about me. I’m big and important and you are merely also here, mostly to do things for me, like a third arm.
Narcissistic people are sometimes, and even often, generous. The difficulty with trusting a narcissist to take actions that are sympathetic to your interests comes at the times when what they want is contrary to what someone else wants. Odds are that at these times they will act in a manner that is selfish, that is, responsive only to their own concerns.
Score: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
BILL'S SCORE: 10
***Over the years he charged a MOUNTAIN of debt. Any time I'd ask him to cut down on the spending. Hoping in the early years that we'd have our own home, he'd tune me out, continue on with what he wanted. I worked throughout our marriage and he took half of whatever I made as "rent". Yet. He "paid the majority of the bills. Don't worry about it." One example, he'd been given a Ball Python from someone. Well he decided that the snake was too small. That he really wanted a bigger snake. He started looking at burmese Pythons. I expressed my fear to him. At the time, we lived in a small apartment. I was scared of big snakes and didn't want to live with one in close quarters. I came home from work one day and noticed there was a snake in the cage that was huge! He tried at first to say it had grown. I was an adult not a little kid he could lie to.
He'd gone out and bought the thing despite what I'd said. At one point I think there were 8 snakes. One was about 12 feet. One was 10 feet. The others were smaller and different breeds. He had a Columbian Red Tail Boa with a very sensitive stomach. This snake would regurgitate and it was the raunchiest, strongest, most disgusting odor EVER! It would reek through the house. That was the worst! I have a very sensitive nose. I can't handle foul odors. I'd call him and he'd try to stop at home and clean it up but, many times he'd be working out of the area and I'd be stuck with the stench till he came home from work. He also would tell wild stories when we were with others. I knew many times he was exaggerating. You couldn't call him on it or change the subject, that brought out the anger. ***
Sign #3: THE RULES DON'T APPLY TO ME:
I can have affairs, cut into a line where others are waiting, cheat on my taxes, and ignore rules that get in the way of my doing what I want.. Rules are for other people to follow. Narcissists suffer from what I call Tall Man Syndrome. They experience themselves as above others, so the rules don't apply to them.
Score: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
BILLS SCORE: 8
***He's not blatant in this however two ex. come to mind. Right after we split the final time, he cashed out one of the retirement accounts, paid off 2 car loans. Never gave me a cent. Even though I was homeless and living in my car. He never said a word. He continued to subtract the $400 a month credit I'd allowed him for the car loan for more than a year after. When I became aware of the facts and asked for the full amount ordered by the court, he just ignored me. I told him no less than 5x he was not to include me on his tax return in Feb 2012. I had no reportable income that year. To reduce his tax penalty, he did anyways. Going so far as to sign my name electronically to the returns! He holds money above all and definitely will ignore or break any rules that threaten what's "his".***
Sign #4: YOUR CONCERNS ARE REALLY CRITICISMS' OF ME AND, I HATE BEING CRITICIZED:
If you insist on my listening and taking your concerns seriously I’m likely to get mad. Criticism hurts. I can criticize others, and often do, but if you criticize me you’re hurting my feelings so I’ll hurt you back. Narcissists paradoxically manifest an inflated idea of their own importance, yet are quick to feel deflated by negative feedback. In addition, because they think everything is about them, they hear others’ attempts to talk about personal feelings as veiled criticisms of themselves. Taking others' concerns as personal criticism is called personalizing. E.g., If she says "I'm feeling lonely," her narcissistic friend will hear, "You don't spend enough time with me."
Score: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
BILLS SCORE: 8
***Anytime I'd try to talk to him about my feelings. I remember a typical ruse he'd use. I'd make a statement re: my feelings on an issue, he'd respond with a harshly, critical statement re: himself. Of course, it was not even close to what I'd said a minute before. Looking back, I can see that it was his diversionary ploy to derail conversations. He used it often***
Sign #5: WHEN THINGS GO WRONG BETWEEN US, IT'S ALWAYS YOUR FAULT.
I can’t be expected to apologize or to admit blame. I’m above others and above reproach. You shouldn’t have...Don’t threaten me with expecting me to say how I’ve contributed to a problem or I’ll get mad at you. Unwillingness to take responsibility for mistakes goes hand-in-hand with quickness to blame. This trait may come from confusing the part with the whole. If I've done one thing that's not right, then I must be all bad. That's also all-or-nothing thinking.
Score: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
BILLS SCORE: 10
***Never once has Bill accepted any responsibility for mistakes or apologize for anything. 100% true that somehow I caused his reaction or the problem. He never once said to me, "I'm sorry or I was wrong". There were times He'd be mad about something. He'd give me the silent treatment for 2 or 3 days. Then he'd get past it but, he wouldn't discuss it or my feelings. He'd say, "forget about it, I have". Nothing was ever dealt with. It was all stuffed in the proverbial closet. Eventually, so much stress, frustration, and resentment would build up, I'd end up exploding like a stick of Dynamite. Of course, this was because I was simply a crazy bitch. He is perfect at playing the victim.***
Sign #6: IF I'M ANGRY, IT'S YOUR FAULT
You made me mad. You didn’t listen to me. You criticized me. You’re trying to control me. Your view is wrong. So you need to apologize, not me. "It’s never my fault if things didn’t go well. I’m not responsible for the problem. Someone else is. I’m not responsible either for my anger. If I’m mad that’s your fault." Narcissists may seem generally quite socially agile. At the same time, they also can be quick to anger, and when they do, will immediately blame their anger on others. Narcissists just tend to be hyper-sensitive about feeling controlled. Any request therefore to a narcissist is at risk for triggering irritation. Asking a narcissist to do something your way rather than theirs is particularly likely to sound to them like you are telling them what to do. Their anger in response then, of course, is your fault.
Score: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
BILLS SCORE: 9
***It always seems that when Bill feels someone is trying to control him, he'll act and make decisions that are impulsive and irrational. At these times, any attempt or plea to talk for a moment, is met with a cold, stony, silence that defeats you***
TOTAL SCORE: 53
The interpretations below are based on clinical hunches, not any scientific testing.
5-10 probably indicate normal human fallibilities with room for improvement.
10 to 20 would indicate too much narcissism in your habits.
30 to 40 spells significant narcissistic habits that probably do not serve you well.
40 to 60 would indicate to me severe problems with narcissism.
In her article the Author lists ways one might deal with the Narcissist. She also recommends that the Narcissist make "changes in their habits and or behavior..."
***IMO I don't see how a Narcissist would ever be motivated to change any of their behaviors. Seems to me, someone must admit there's a problem before they can make changes. In my experience, there was never an understanding that his behaviors were a problem. If the behaviors above are ingrained so deeply into someone's personality, wouldn't any thought of change go against everything they stand for? Before I knew there was a term for what I lived with, I waited for a change, it never came.***
To learn more or to read the complete article re: 6 signs of Narcissism click the link below.
Source:<a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201210/are-you-narcissist-6-sure-signs-narcissism"></a>"
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201210/are-you-narcissist-6-sure-signs-narcissism 