"YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE"

Hello, Well my healing is well on it's way. I'm going to switch gears now and travel in a new direction. The decision to break away from toxicity will not be an easy one. However, I'm here to say, it's so worth it. I've discovered and truly realize for the 1st time in my life, that I'm strong! We have 2 choices when faced with adversity, curl up and give up or shake it off, stand, keep pushing on. There were times I did want to just give up over the past 4 years. However, I thought about my children. One grown who has given me 2 beautiful granddaughters. One I need to be reunited with one day in the future. Because of them I found a strength I never knew I possessed. As my healing goes on, I have truly come to believe; I am valuable. I have important thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and wants of my own that are just as valuable as anyone else's! I deserve to be valued. I am loving and I deserve to be loved backed. I give my whole heart. I deserve no less in return. I have my own thoughts and desires. I deserve validation and respect. Narcissists suck so much out of your life. They replace your voice, needs, thoughts, desires with; doubt, devaluation, low self esteem, misgiving, depression. Although, it can be scary to contemplate leaving them and their defectiveness behind, you gain so much in the long run. Life goes by in a blink of an eye, YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE! BE HAPPY AND BE WELL! Till next time...

"YOU WRECKED MY LIFE"

Those were the last words Bill said to me after court on July 8th. A true Narcissistic typical Bill Connearney statement! Let's review; My precious girl had been placed with the substitutes. I did cover up the Domestic Violence when he punched me in the face 3x. blackening my eyes for 12 days. I take full responsibility of hiding that for 15 months. However, it doesn't take freaking rocket science to figure out, IT NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED IN THE FIRST PLACE!! To make it worse, when the wreckers asked him about it, the PUSSY lied! That's right Bill Connearney lied! He claimed we'd had an argument, he'd dropped me off, when he came home later, I had the injury to my face! I'd love to know the scenario where I could possibly injure myself so severely? We're talking thick black and purple bruising the whole top half of my face! I looked like Rocky Balboa! So, I lost my heart (Ahmi), She went through traumatic emotional upheaval that will possibly effect her the rest of her life. The bastard tried to kill me. Left me with a devastating injury to my leg that took months to heal. Lied to the court, faked evidence, obtained a protective order that he's used as a tool to control, abuse, and manipulate. He's put me in frucking jail just because he's an evil, vindictive bastard. I've been homeless. I'm unable to work in the field I love due to his paper of fraud. I have a frucking record because of him. Yet, I wrecked his life? Just goes to show what a egotistical, selfish, evil, abusive bastard he is! God, how could I have put up with his sorry ass for so many years? What a son of a bitch he is! I'm grateful that I have finally woken up. The piece of crap was always on my case re: the black depression I fell into for a year after losing Ahmi. Since he'd cancelled my health insurance as of 1/1/11 I had no resources to seek help. If you know anything about depression, the longer you wait to get help, the worse it gets. Anyways, the prick had the attitude that I,"should suck it up and move on." As if crying 24/7 was a choice I made or something I enjoyed! Anyways, now that I'm in remission, I thank God everyday that Depression is treatable w/ meds and therapy. Personality defects like Narcissism, no hope/help. I'd much rather be depressed! The pitiful thing to me is, he isn't capable of understanding that there's something wrong with him. That's sad and creepy! I say, "Fuck narcissists! They'll bring nothing good to your life!" Unless you don't mind putting their wants and needs above your own 100% of the time. If you don't mind being minimized and dismissed. If you want to always be second class in the relationship, avoid narcissists like the Black Plague!

VINDICTIVE EVILNESS

There's a lot to the story behind this posting. I'm going to try to tell it all without confusion. Please bear with me. In late summer of 2010, soon after Bill had moved out, I played a trick involving our truck. One afternoon, A friend and I drove to Bill's apartment complex and using my key, I drove the truck back to San Diego and parked it down the street from the house. Bill obviously was not happy. He tried to report me to the police for STEALING the truck. Too bad for him; (1) I had a key. In CA, if you have a key, it's assumed you have permission to be in possession of said vehicle. (2) I was still his wife and it was community property. Bottom line they wouldn't get involved. He found it almost immediately and in fact took it back within days. However, he kept a club on it after that.
Sometime around December of that year, he made his first attempt at obtaining a restraining order. The Judge at that time was slightly smarter than the one who came after. After hearing Bills weak, no basis case, he instead ordered a 4 month emotional cool off period. For both of us! Less than 2 months later, Bill was enraged when this same judge granted my spousal support order. I believe he had ulterior motives when he phoned soon after I was granted the temp. order. He asked me to move in to his apartment saying, "let's try to save our marriage." I believe in hindsight he already had a other ideas. He already planned to set me up or to try and discredit me. Hoping to get out of paying me the ordered support. It was early Feb. 2011 I was devastated re: the loss of Ahmi. I was falling deeper into the blackest cave of depression with each passing day. It was during this 1st month that Bill secretly recorded me. On the tape, which he'd use the following Feb to obtain his fake r.o., I'm crying and mostly repeating over and over,"get my baby back. Please just get my baby back." While he's trying to entrap me by asking over and over,"what will you do to me? Shoot me in the head? I guess at the end I finally agree with him. Not only would the bastard use it 12 months later, he lied in court and presented it as recent.
In the beginning he asked nearly everyday if I'd gone and cancelled the divorce papers. I've no doubt he simply wanted to be the petitioner. I'm guessing in his messed up logic, that was a way out of paying me. In Bill Connearney's mind, I didn't deserve anything. Even though I worked the majority of the marriage and he insisted on half of whatever I took home, I was paying rent not contributing to the household. That's how the Asshole referred to my money, as rent! Whenever I'd voice an opinion re: the mountain of debt he kept over our head, he'd say the same thing. "Don't worry about it. I pay the bills. Just pay your rent." Too bad the judge didn't see it that way, seeing as half the value of said debt came out of my final property division! Of course, during the summer of 2011, after he tried to kill me, when I was unable to work, he missed my money! Being the bitch that I can be, I asked him several times, ”You've always minimized my monetary contribution. Now that you don't have it, how's that working out for you?" So many years the bastard blew off anything I had to say re: finances. I felt minimized, like I was nothing. So, yes I admit there was a petty satisfaction in rubbing that in his face. In fact, it wasn't working out for him at all.
He was getting more pissed off by the day. In true Bill Connearney style as summer passed, he somehow rewrote his role/responsibility re: my injury. The fact that I was laid up, had limited mobility for months, was unable to get proper medical care, and had lost my job opportunity working as a teacher for HeadStart became choices I made. Must be nice to be so delusional. Don't like something in your history? Regret something you've done? Black it out! Deny, deny, deny. Over time, in your own mind at least, it will become as you wish, a fantasy that feels better than the cold hard truth of reality. Even the pain I went through, the horrendous, slow recovery, was an act!! Anyone reading this who's torn their ACL or Meniscus will know the pain I'm talking about. Now, imagine, no pain meds, no physical therapy, and middle age. A situation I'd never wish on anyone. Because of my age, it's healed as well as it ever will! I try not to dwell on the pain I'm going to feel 10-15 years from now.
Fast forward to Feb 2012. I was homeless living in my car. Even though the SOB had cashed out one of the retirement accounts by this time. He never said a word nor offered me any of the money. Which by the way, was half mine! I'd park and hang out somewhere near his apartment a lot of the time. It was gated so I felt pretty safe. Well, one night while he was at the bar, I noticed the club wasn't on the steering wheel. Since my car was very low on gas, I decided I just might drive the truck. When he came home and saw me sitting in it, he freaked. First thing he asked,"How'd you get the club off?" When I told him he'd left it off, he was mad at himself. So he invites me to walk the dogs and after locking the club in the trunk of my car, I do. No big deal we walk them, talking the whole time. small talk but, no big deal, no acrimony. The next day it's a miserable rainy day. The kind of day that we don't see often in Southern CA. He comes home and gave me some leftover carne asada fries from 2 days before, Super Bowl Sunday. Next thing I know the cops are there to serve me with a temporary r.o.! The rotten piece of shit had gone to court, claiming to be in fear of me! First of all, anyone who knows us, would know what a crock of crap that is! He outweighs me by 100lbs and benches 250+. I suppose he couldn't tell the truth however. "Your honor, I don't want her taking my truck" wouldn't have quite the response he was looking for!
I foolishly never filed a response. I thought back to the year before, knowing there was no valid reason for him to be granted a r.o. I believed he'd once again be denied. Little did I know, Bill was planning for things to get very, very dirty! He lied to the judge, manufactured evidence and guess what his grand finale was? The secret tape he'd recorded the year before. I guess the judge was drunk or on drugs that day. He accepted that tape as evidence even though there was no time stamp AT ALL!! He overruled my objection when I brought that to his attention. Yet, my evidence of the DV and Bills arrest from May 2011 were deemed too old!! So the prick got what he wanted. Finally he had a piece of paper that helped him feel more in control. It's a severe travesty and a slap in the face to all those who really are affected by Domestic Violence. That's just one example of his vindictive evilness!

"DECEIT, LIES, ABUSE, VIA BILL CONNEARNEY"

Jan 2011 I filed for divorce and for a support order. I was desperately trying to get my girl back and doing whatever the wrecker had told me towards that end. It was all for nothing. I found out later, the bitch already had her plan in place. She was a two faced backstabbing bitch who didn't have the decency to be honest and up front with me. Anyways, that's all water under the bridge and covered elsewhere so, back to Bill. In early Feb 2011 I was granted an order of support. Bill was stunned! I actually thought he was going to cry. He'd been sure I'd be turned down. It was obvious he'd never considered for a moment that I'd get a judgement. That night he called me and says, "look there's no way I can afford to pay you and my rent. Come move in, we'll cancel the divorce, and work together to try and get Ahmi back. I'll consider the $1599. room and board." Although, there was a part of me that knew it wasn't a good idea. I'd just lost her officially in court about a week earlier. I had a lot of resentment towards Bill re: the loss. I feared the anger and resentment would overtake me eventually. Resulting in an explosive situation. There was another side of me that thought, maybe it would help to be around someone who knew and (supposedly) loved her. I was slipping into the darkest cave of depression by this time. The grief was overwhelming. I desperately needed someone to validate and understand my pain. So, in the end, I let him talk me into it. His understanding and support lasted all of 2 weeks! I was slipping deeper and deeper into a black hole. I couldn't shower, eat, sleep. All I could do was cry. I wondered often, how the hell the tears continued to fall. Anyways, Bills supportive statement? "Suck it up and move on!" Pretty much a cold hearted bastard right? Believe it or not, he was just getting started! I would find out a year later, that he secretly recorded a conversation that took place right after I moved in. On the tape I'm crying and repeating over and over, "please get my baby back..." Bill is feeding me questions, "what are you going to do if I don't? What was it you said? Did you say you'd shoot me in the head?" I'd just suffered the devastating loss of my girl and this devious, piece of shit is exploiting my grief, putting words in my mouth, secretly recording the conversation! This is the tape he'd play more than a year later in court to get his bullshit order of protection! Anyways, during this same time period he began bugging me about canceling the papers. Something I kept putting off. Turns out that was the smartest decision on my part. Looking back, I have no doubt whatsoever that had I cancelled those papers, he'd have been at the courthouse the day after refiling as the petitioner! It drove him up the wall that I was the petitioner and not him. Bill always wants to be in control. It stuck in his gut that he had to file as Respondent. No matter if he was filing an action or answering mine. He even wrote it the wrong way on one set of papers and the court made him correct it. Knowing him like I do, that absolutely was very hard for him to swallow! For the first time in 23 years, I was in the drivers seat. He wasn't happy about it. Just how pissed off he was would soon be revealed. His attempt to kill me was coming soon. I'm sure however, even before that, right from the start. He asked me to move in and already had a plan in mind to destroy me. All because I had the nerve to seek an order of support from the court and worst of all, it was granted!