"VALIDATION"

Well the 4th of last month was the 2nd anniversary of the divorce. March 15th marks 3.5 years since our final split. The paper of fraud expired last Thursday. At long last, that lie is off me! All the times Bill Connearney told ME I was evil?! I now know that was the Narcissist projecting his own self onto me! When we first split it was very tough. I was obsessed with the need of hearing him finally taking responsibility and apologizing for the evil things he’d done. I fantasized that he’d come to me, admit how wrong he’d been, apologize and I’d tell him to go straight to hell. One day my therepist asked me, “what do you need in order to close the door and move on?” I had my standard answer, I needed Bill to own his responsibility and apologize. Then that wise man would ask, “what if that never happens, then what? How can Lynn be okay?”

It took a little more work yet, eventually I was able to let it go. All those years of his evil words, my self doubt and guilt, gone. I finally realized that all of the put downs, manipulations, selfishness, minimizing, those are the traits of the Narcissist! That is the core of who Bill Connearney is.That’s who HE is. Honestly, I can yell, I'm very passionate. Especially when I feel attacked or when I feel ignored, not heard. However, when I’m validated, heard, and respected, that trait is non existent. So many years of thinking I was communicating wrong. I thought there was something wrong with me. That if I could just find the right words, he’d finally listen, hear me, and understand. There would be no more built up stress and anger inside of me. I finally came to understand that was total bullshit! Narcissists know how to play the game of projection, manipulation, and victim!

I finally was able to accept that it NEVER mattered! Because he NEVER cared! I NEVER had a chance. I’ve learned since those days, I have great communication skills. I know how to listen and hear others! Narcissists could care less what you have to say because in their eyes, your wants, needs, and feelings mean nothing to them. Back in the early years of our marriage, he’d get upset and blow up about something. He wouldn’t talk to me for 2-4 days. I didn’t realize back then that’s passive aggressive behavior and it’s abusive. It was horrible walking around on eggshells. Many times I’d take Chris and go spend the night at a friends. The quiet was unbearably lonely. I fled that silence many times. Then he’d get over whatever his issue was and finally speak to me. However, one stipulation, there was no discussion, If I tried to discuss my thoughts, feelings, point of view, he shut me down. “I’m over that, forget about it I have.” 20+ years of no validation, respect, empathy, etc... No wonder my closet finally exploded and I turned into a raging bitch!

These days I know how to set firm boundaries. No one tells me my feelings are wrong. No one calls me filthy names or tries to brainwash me. No one puts their hands on me in anger. I don’t need anyone’s validation. I’m worthy, smart, honest, loyal, and I will accept nothing but, the same in return. Life isn’t always easy. sometimes it’s a freaking bitch, I’m so much better than I was. NEVER again will I be a doormat! GUESS WHAT BILL CONNEARNEY? YOU WERE WRONG! IT WASN’T ME, IT WAS YOU! I NO LONGER NEED YOU TO VALIDATE THAT. I KNOW IT’S TRUE. I’M GOOD WITH THAT! Stay healthy and well. I may love again, I will NEVER remarry! You did so many evil things to me. Trying your best to crush me. Even tried to kill me. I survived! I’ll NEVER let you off the hook! Pay back can be a bitch! Take that to your grave! It’s payback for all the evil, underhanded tricks and lies that you threw at me from Sept 2011 until Aug of 2013. How’s it working for you? I know every payday you get a little knife twist in your gut. Good! You reap what you sow baby!

"YOU WRECKED MY LIFE"

Those were the last words Bill said to me after court on July 8th. A true Narcissistic typical Bill Connearney statement! Let's review; My precious girl had been placed with the substitutes. I did cover up the Domestic Violence when he punched me in the face 3x. blackening my eyes for 12 days. I take full responsibility of hiding that for 15 months. However, it doesn't take freaking rocket science to figure out, IT NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED IN THE FIRST PLACE!! To make it worse, when the wreckers asked him about it, the PUSSY lied! That's right Bill Connearney lied! He claimed we'd had an argument, he'd dropped me off, when he came home later, I had the injury to my face! I'd love to know the scenario where I could possibly injure myself so severely? We're talking thick black and purple bruising the whole top half of my face! I looked like Rocky Balboa! So, I lost my heart (Ahmi), She went through traumatic emotional upheaval that will possibly effect her the rest of her life. The bastard tried to kill me. Left me with a devastating injury to my leg that took months to heal. Lied to the court, faked evidence, obtained a protective order that he's used as a tool to control, abuse, and manipulate. He's put me in frucking jail just because he's an evil, vindictive bastard. I've been homeless. I'm unable to work in the field I love due to his paper of fraud. I have a frucking record because of him. Yet, I wrecked his life? Just goes to show what a egotistical, selfish, evil, abusive bastard he is! God, how could I have put up with his sorry ass for so many years? What a son of a bitch he is! I'm grateful that I have finally woken up. The piece of crap was always on my case re: the black depression I fell into for a year after losing Ahmi. Since he'd cancelled my health insurance as of 1/1/11 I had no resources to seek help. If you know anything about depression, the longer you wait to get help, the worse it gets. Anyways, the prick had the attitude that I,"should suck it up and move on." As if crying 24/7 was a choice I made or something I enjoyed! Anyways, now that I'm in remission, I thank God everyday that Depression is treatable w/ meds and therapy. Personality defects like Narcissism, no hope/help. I'd much rather be depressed! The pitiful thing to me is, he isn't capable of understanding that there's something wrong with him. That's sad and creepy! I say, "Fuck narcissists! They'll bring nothing good to your life!" Unless you don't mind putting their wants and needs above your own 100% of the time. If you don't mind being minimized and dismissed. If you want to always be second class in the relationship, avoid narcissists like the Black Plague!

VINDICTIVE EVILNESS

There's a lot to the story behind this posting. I'm going to try to tell it all without confusion. Please bear with me. In late summer of 2010, soon after Bill had moved out, I played a trick involving our truck. One afternoon, A friend and I drove to Bill's apartment complex and using my key, I drove the truck back to San Diego and parked it down the street from the house. Bill obviously was not happy. He tried to report me to the police for STEALING the truck. Too bad for him; (1) I had a key. In CA, if you have a key, it's assumed you have permission to be in possession of said vehicle. (2) I was still his wife and it was community property. Bottom line they wouldn't get involved. He found it almost immediately and in fact took it back within days. However, he kept a club on it after that.
Sometime around December of that year, he made his first attempt at obtaining a restraining order. The Judge at that time was slightly smarter than the one who came after. After hearing Bills weak, no basis case, he instead ordered a 4 month emotional cool off period. For both of us! Less than 2 months later, Bill was enraged when this same judge granted my spousal support order. I believe he had ulterior motives when he phoned soon after I was granted the temp. order. He asked me to move in to his apartment saying, "let's try to save our marriage." I believe in hindsight he already had a other ideas. He already planned to set me up or to try and discredit me. Hoping to get out of paying me the ordered support. It was early Feb. 2011 I was devastated re: the loss of Ahmi. I was falling deeper into the blackest cave of depression with each passing day. It was during this 1st month that Bill secretly recorded me. On the tape, which he'd use the following Feb to obtain his fake r.o., I'm crying and mostly repeating over and over,"get my baby back. Please just get my baby back." While he's trying to entrap me by asking over and over,"what will you do to me? Shoot me in the head? I guess at the end I finally agree with him. Not only would the bastard use it 12 months later, he lied in court and presented it as recent.
In the beginning he asked nearly everyday if I'd gone and cancelled the divorce papers. I've no doubt he simply wanted to be the petitioner. I'm guessing in his messed up logic, that was a way out of paying me. In Bill Connearney's mind, I didn't deserve anything. Even though I worked the majority of the marriage and he insisted on half of whatever I took home, I was paying rent not contributing to the household. That's how the Asshole referred to my money, as rent! Whenever I'd voice an opinion re: the mountain of debt he kept over our head, he'd say the same thing. "Don't worry about it. I pay the bills. Just pay your rent." Too bad the judge didn't see it that way, seeing as half the value of said debt came out of my final property division! Of course, during the summer of 2011, after he tried to kill me, when I was unable to work, he missed my money! Being the bitch that I can be, I asked him several times, ”You've always minimized my monetary contribution. Now that you don't have it, how's that working out for you?" So many years the bastard blew off anything I had to say re: finances. I felt minimized, like I was nothing. So, yes I admit there was a petty satisfaction in rubbing that in his face. In fact, it wasn't working out for him at all.
He was getting more pissed off by the day. In true Bill Connearney style as summer passed, he somehow rewrote his role/responsibility re: my injury. The fact that I was laid up, had limited mobility for months, was unable to get proper medical care, and had lost my job opportunity working as a teacher for HeadStart became choices I made. Must be nice to be so delusional. Don't like something in your history? Regret something you've done? Black it out! Deny, deny, deny. Over time, in your own mind at least, it will become as you wish, a fantasy that feels better than the cold hard truth of reality. Even the pain I went through, the horrendous, slow recovery, was an act!! Anyone reading this who's torn their ACL or Meniscus will know the pain I'm talking about. Now, imagine, no pain meds, no physical therapy, and middle age. A situation I'd never wish on anyone. Because of my age, it's healed as well as it ever will! I try not to dwell on the pain I'm going to feel 10-15 years from now.
Fast forward to Feb 2012. I was homeless living in my car. Even though the SOB had cashed out one of the retirement accounts by this time. He never said a word nor offered me any of the money. Which by the way, was half mine! I'd park and hang out somewhere near his apartment a lot of the time. It was gated so I felt pretty safe. Well, one night while he was at the bar, I noticed the club wasn't on the steering wheel. Since my car was very low on gas, I decided I just might drive the truck. When he came home and saw me sitting in it, he freaked. First thing he asked,"How'd you get the club off?" When I told him he'd left it off, he was mad at himself. So he invites me to walk the dogs and after locking the club in the trunk of my car, I do. No big deal we walk them, talking the whole time. small talk but, no big deal, no acrimony. The next day it's a miserable rainy day. The kind of day that we don't see often in Southern CA. He comes home and gave me some leftover carne asada fries from 2 days before, Super Bowl Sunday. Next thing I know the cops are there to serve me with a temporary r.o.! The rotten piece of shit had gone to court, claiming to be in fear of me! First of all, anyone who knows us, would know what a crock of crap that is! He outweighs me by 100lbs and benches 250+. I suppose he couldn't tell the truth however. "Your honor, I don't want her taking my truck" wouldn't have quite the response he was looking for!
I foolishly never filed a response. I thought back to the year before, knowing there was no valid reason for him to be granted a r.o. I believed he'd once again be denied. Little did I know, Bill was planning for things to get very, very dirty! He lied to the judge, manufactured evidence and guess what his grand finale was? The secret tape he'd recorded the year before. I guess the judge was drunk or on drugs that day. He accepted that tape as evidence even though there was no time stamp AT ALL!! He overruled my objection when I brought that to his attention. Yet, my evidence of the DV and Bills arrest from May 2011 were deemed too old!! So the prick got what he wanted. Finally he had a piece of paper that helped him feel more in control. It's a severe travesty and a slap in the face to all those who really are affected by Domestic Violence. That's just one example of his vindictive evilness!