"INTRINSIC AND EXTRINSIC VALUE"

For the majority of my life I sought acceptance, validation, and approval from extrinsic (outside) sources. I believe this led to much disappointment and at times treatment from others that was not okay. Case in point, William Seamus McDonald aka William Francis Connearney aka Bill. I took to heart every evil nasty thing he said to me over the years. When you are told enough that you don't measure up...Believe me, you start to live it. Eventually you accept abusive behavior as something that you deserve. I am so proud of the woman I have become! The woman I am today requires no outside approval, acceptance, or validation! It 100% comes from within! I wish I had adequate words to describe the peace, empowerment, happiness that is a solid part of me 24/7. I am no longer a doormat. I easily shut down and walk away from abusive and hurtful words. If I could bottle this and give it away, I would in a heartbeat. To confidently know to the depths of my soul that I will never be treated poorly by anyone again in my lifetime, that I only require my own validation is the most liberating feeling imaginable. For the rest of my life, I will speak up for myself, I will draw firm boundaries, I will accept nothing less than to be treated in the manner I deserve. If someone can't respect that, they will be in my rear view. I no longer weigh my value based on others. I am free. Till next time, hugs to you and be good to yourself. xo

"LIFE LESSONS"

I have learned so much and come so far over the past 4 years. I've learned that I'm stronger than I ever thought or gave myself credit for. I have walked through the fires of hell and survived! I persevered through horrendous situations and I landed on my feet! I'm rebuilding my life from the bottom up and it feels GREAT! Brand new car, brand new job, and best of all...I've returned to school and am loving every moment. In 2 years after I've earned my degree in English, I hope to realize a life long dream of writing. Now that I have a definite genre in mind, I will do it! My future is bright and it belongs to me, myself, and I!

At this moment in time, meeting someone is the last thing on my mind. However, someday I know exactly what qualities he must possess. He must be able to see the positive and absolutely must love to laugh! He must be intellectual. Gift of debate...big plus! He must be honest and empathetic! I've done the abusive, egotistical, narcissist. No more of that crap! EVER! If I meet someone someday when the time is right, cool. If not, oh well. The main point is I will never allow someone like Bill Connearney aka William Seamus McDonald to EVER poison my life again! Life lesson learned!

Life is happy and peaceful! I will never give that away to someone so undeserving again. Anyone can achieve this happiness. All it takes is strength, determination, courage, and time. I can attest 100% it is worth it! Peace and love to all my readers! :)

"I AM SO GRATEFUL"

This morning I was reflecting on the upcoming holiday season. I realized how truly grateful I am towards William Seamus McDonald formally known as William Francis Connearney. I appreciate him and am so grateful for all he has given me. So without further ado.

Dear Bill, Thank you for wanting a divorce. Since our divorce and my healing journey, I have found a self confidence and self esteem higher than ever in my whole life! I am so grateful! No one puts me down or calls me filthy names. No one attacks my self confidence. I am so grateful. Where I was once chronically depressed and anxious, I am now infused with happiness and a positive attitude that has effected every aspect of my life in an upbeat way. I am so grateful! These days I only allow nontoxic people in my life. Today I understand setting clear boundaries. I am respected, valued, and loved. I am so grateful! In September of 2011 I was so broken. At the lowest point of my life, I began hanging out with the wrong people. People who used me, stole from me, and were generally going down the wrong path in life. For the first time in my life I began getting in trouble, I just simply didn't care for 2 years. Then one day, I woke up, looked around and my eyes were finally opened. I walked away from the people and the path I had detoured on. I began to embrace therapy, my 2nd chance, my freedom. I am so grateful. 4 years in and I could not be happier! My life is my own. I am trying to pay it forward. I have even once again quit smoking! Yay for me! This time I know I won't start again. Thank you Bill. For showing me how I should never be spoken to, disrespected, or abused...I am so grateful!

"DEAR BILL CONNEARNEY"

I've recently been made aware that my blog has had an effect on your life? That you've lost a girlfriend or 2? Want me to cry for you? Nope sorry! I'm glad that the truth has protected other innocent women from the cesspool that surrounds you. If my telling the truth helps one woman avoid the bullshit you will bring to her life, Glory Be! You're problem is you always acted like I was stupid. That my brain was inferior to yours. How wrong you were! Changing your online identity? How desperate is that? Your super ego apparently doesn't get that sooner or later, your true name will come up and it makes it look a lot worse in the long run. After all, clean, honest people have nothing to hide from! Unless you find some brain dead female, this blog will continue to be here. Waiting to expose you for what you are. An abusive, lying, Narcissist! I'm so stupid and inferior huh? Who's laughing now? Enjoy life, be well, keep those court ordered checks coming! Thanks for continually lying to Judge Brown. Justice is SO SWEET!

"VALIDATION"

Well the 4th of last month was the 2nd anniversary of the divorce. March 15th marks 3.5 years since our final split. The paper of fraud expired last Thursday. At long last, that lie is off me! All the times Bill Connearney told ME I was evil?! I now know that was the Narcissist projecting his own self onto me! When we first split it was very tough. I was obsessed with the need of hearing him finally taking responsibility and apologizing for the evil things he’d done. I fantasized that he’d come to me, admit how wrong he’d been, apologize and I’d tell him to go straight to hell. One day my therepist asked me, “what do you need in order to close the door and move on?” I had my standard answer, I needed Bill to own his responsibility and apologize. Then that wise man would ask, “what if that never happens, then what? How can Lynn be okay?”

It took a little more work yet, eventually I was able to let it go. All those years of his evil words, my self doubt and guilt, gone. I finally realized that all of the put downs, manipulations, selfishness, minimizing, those are the traits of the Narcissist! That is the core of who Bill Connearney is.That’s who HE is. Honestly, I can yell, I'm very passionate. Especially when I feel attacked or when I feel ignored, not heard. However, when I’m validated, heard, and respected, that trait is non existent. So many years of thinking I was communicating wrong. I thought there was something wrong with me. That if I could just find the right words, he’d finally listen, hear me, and understand. There would be no more built up stress and anger inside of me. I finally came to understand that was total bullshit! Narcissists know how to play the game of projection, manipulation, and victim!

I finally was able to accept that it NEVER mattered! Because he NEVER cared! I NEVER had a chance. I’ve learned since those days, I have great communication skills. I know how to listen and hear others! Narcissists could care less what you have to say because in their eyes, your wants, needs, and feelings mean nothing to them. Back in the early years of our marriage, he’d get upset and blow up about something. He wouldn’t talk to me for 2-4 days. I didn’t realize back then that’s passive aggressive behavior and it’s abusive. It was horrible walking around on eggshells. Many times I’d take Chris and go spend the night at a friends. The quiet was unbearably lonely. I fled that silence many times. Then he’d get over whatever his issue was and finally speak to me. However, one stipulation, there was no discussion, If I tried to discuss my thoughts, feelings, point of view, he shut me down. “I’m over that, forget about it I have.” 20+ years of no validation, respect, empathy, etc... No wonder my closet finally exploded and I turned into a raging bitch!

These days I know how to set firm boundaries. No one tells me my feelings are wrong. No one calls me filthy names or tries to brainwash me. No one puts their hands on me in anger. I don’t need anyone’s validation. I’m worthy, smart, honest, loyal, and I will accept nothing but, the same in return. Life isn’t always easy. sometimes it’s a freaking bitch, I’m so much better than I was. NEVER again will I be a doormat! GUESS WHAT BILL CONNEARNEY? YOU WERE WRONG! IT WASN’T ME, IT WAS YOU! I NO LONGER NEED YOU TO VALIDATE THAT. I KNOW IT’S TRUE. I’M GOOD WITH THAT! Stay healthy and well. I may love again, I will NEVER remarry! You did so many evil things to me. Trying your best to crush me. Even tried to kill me. I survived! I’ll NEVER let you off the hook! Pay back can be a bitch! Take that to your grave! It’s payback for all the evil, underhanded tricks and lies that you threw at me from Sept 2011 until Aug of 2013. How’s it working for you? I know every payday you get a little knife twist in your gut. Good! You reap what you sow baby!

"TO THE NEW WOMAN IN BILL CONNEARNEY'S LIFE"

I'm sure if you've found this blog, read it, and questioned Bill Connearney, he lied. He has his script. I'm crazy, a bitch, a liar. Ask yourself one question before you blindly take the word of a Narcissistic psychopath. Would Any sane person allow this blog to be up with such slanderous statements if they had a means to have it removed? The 100% truth is Bill Connearney whined in court to our Judge. The Judge asked me if I'd take it down for him (the judge). My words, "your honor, no! I have first amendment rights in this country. My blog is 100% the truth and it's my life story. That blog will outlive both of us." The Judge turned to Bill Connearney and said "She's right. Sorry I can't force her to take it down." Enough said re: who the liar is!

"I HOPE YOU ARE WELL"

Dear Bill Connearney,I hope the financial wreck you've brought on yourself is even half as painful as the loss of my baby. Somehow, I doubt it. I bet you haven't realized or accepted that lying to Judge Brown and getting caught is what caused the financial backlash against you. Thank you for admitting the truth under oath re: your illegal recording. That may come in very handy in February if you continue to do the wrong thing... Be healthy. I sincerely mean that.

"APPRECIATION, FORGIVENESS, MOVING ON"

Dear Bill Connearny,

I'd like to thank you for: Moving me to San Diego. Although the first year was tough, I grew to love it and I'm grateful that I spent my adult years here. For Patches. It truly touched my heart that you heard my offhand comment and went out and bought him for me. He was the best bunny and I loved him. For being there during my surgeries. I know taking time off of work isn't an easy choice for you. I appreciated the support during those challenges. I'm still embarrassed re: the ketchup bottle. I truly didn't mean for it to shatter. You were very patient. The Christmas that I became so deathly sick? I don't remember much of that time. I do remember you getting me cleaned up after work each day. Thank you for the 3 days of nursing that you gave me. Thank you for the greatest gift of all. Supporting my fostering. I know you thought I'd get it out of my system and that would be that. However, buying and setting up the nursery, coming to the cpr class, etc... I had the greatest gift in knowing, loving, and nurturing the greatest little girl ever born. My time was too brief with her but, I know she and I will meet again.

I forgive you for: getting a vasectomy behind my back and lying about it. I forgive you for always having to get your way. You are a selfish s.o.b. but, I stayed and put up with it. I forgive myself for that. I forgive you for the 3 severe beatings I suffered at your hands. The 12 days I lost due to my black eyes when you punched me in the face 3 times. When I had to stay home and hide what you had done. Even the last time when you almost killed me because I wouldn't leave at 2:30 in the morning. When I was so devastated and depressed over Ahmi that all I did was cry 24/7. Sorry I couldn't "just suck it up and move on." When my plea for you to just leave me alone resulted in your hands around my throat. Your thumbs trying to crush my windpipe. When you messed up my leg so bad I couldn't walk without pain for 6 months. One thing I'm sure of, no man will EVER put their hands on me again and remain free. Their ass will be in a cage within the hour. I forgive myself that your ass isn't rotting in prison. Letting you get away with attempted murder was not my finest moment. You tried to kill me but, I survived! I'm not afraid of much these days. I'm a hell of a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. I forgive all the put downs, the evil talk, the devaluing, and the dismissals. Because I now know, you are full of shit! You're not a healthy person. In the end, your opinions mean nothing. I know inside now, it takes 2 and I'm okay and getting stronger every day. It no longer matters that you take no responsibility. I no longer need your validation. You never will be healthy. I know that now. That's truly pitiful.

I'm grateful that: I no longer have to walk on egg shells. That I no longer slam my head into cement walls to release the anxiety, frustration, and stress I was living with. I'm grateful that I didn't cause serious damage to myself. As I had no sense of pain during those awful times. I'm grateful that your toxicity is gone from my life. That I'm no longer devalued, dismissed, denied a voice. That I no longer live with your passive/aggressive behavior. That I'm spared your criticisms. That I no longer have to listen to your constant exaggerations or bear witness to the victim act you play so well.

I'm continuing to work on forgiving you for: Turning your back on Ahmi. In the end, much too little, much too late. Your betrayal of me re: Genny Wrocklage. You threw me under the bus. 2 back stabbing, lying, little bitches! In the end, my first blog exposed her lying ass and stained her career. She's actually not a social wrecker anymore. Maybe I did some good after all. At least she no longer damages children! This blog exposes you as the devil from hell that you are! Too bad whining to Judge Brown got you no where! Sorry 100% true story of my life. I will continue to post and this blog will outlast both of us! I love the first amendment. God bless America! I don't regret warning T### about you. She seems very nice. After all she's survived, she didn't need your crap polluting her life. For the record, I didn't "wreck your life." You did with your lies! I told the truth! Something you know nothing about! The difference between the 2 of us? I had the proof to back up my words. When you tell the truth, life's a whole lot easier. Something you'll never understand. I am still working on trying to forgive you for the filthy lies you told in order to get your fake r.o. You've disrupted my life for 2 and 1/2 years. Took away my livelihood. Working with children is what I was born to do. You selfishly took that from me. Because of your sick need to be in control. Well, that ends in February. Thank God you admitted under oath during the divorce trial your illegal action re: the "evidence" If you even think about taking any action on the expiration of the fraud... Let's just say, I'm no longer suffering from major depression. Bring it on... You don't even get that the order of spousal support with no expiration was most likely to punish you. Judge Brown saw quite clearly in the end who the problem was. Who was continually lying to him. One day you will be nothing more than a passing shadow of a thought. On that day I will know that I am 100% finally free. You did your best in trying to destroy me and you failed! I have come through hell and I am stronger than I ever knew. You are the same old, same old. How sad is that? I pity and pray for you. Enjoy your empty life.

"IT'S ALL ABOUT THE CONTROL"

It's a paradox I've never understood, regarding the type of control that Bill clings to. He was not jealous or possesive during our marriage. He never checked my phone, questioned me, etc... However, when it came to money, and/or major life decisions, he alone was in control. He made some major life decisions with no interest in my thoughts or opinions. For example, his bright idea one year after attending Ricoh school in LA for 2 weeks. He comes home and announces that he has a job offer from a classmate. This guy apparently owns his own business in the high desert. He's made some lofty promises regarding potential salary. He's made an offer that's too good to refuse, blah, blah, blah... Bill was supposedly going to make all this money. It was too great to pass up, yeah, yeah, yeah. He wouldn't listen to anything I had to say. He didn't care that his company had just spent thousands of dollars on the school he'd just attended. It was futile trying to have a mature conversation about it. He pretty much said, he didn't care what I did, he was going. If I didn't like it or agree, "there's the door." So we spend all this money on his impulsive whim. Pack up and move approx 3 and 1/2 hours North. For his "golden opportunity". It didn't take long for him to realize, he'd made a huge mistake! He was rehired by IKON w/in 2 months! Unfortunately it was at the branch in San Bernadino. Which was approx a 30-45 minute ride down the mountain pass that led away from the hell we were now trapped in!! This took place during the summer of 1993 till the following spring. Luckily, just as he had an offer from his former boss in San Diego, an insurance settlement I'd been expecting came through. Thousands of dollars on a hairbrained scheme. Because God forbid, Bill take the time to consider a decision and communicate as an adult rather than an impulsive jackass! Always, He has this obsessive need to be in complete control. When he got an idea into his head, there was no discussion, no consideration of any point of view but, his own. God forbid someone with common sense actually try to encourage him to act as an adult and consider all sides of a decision. Then again, wouldn't happen. When he gets a thought into his mind, he becomes almost manic. As if he needs to act quickly before something intefers with his chosen plan and prevents it from happening somehow. As I read over this posting, it makes complete sense that Bill Connearney acted the way he did. He's always valued money and possesions above all else. So it does make sense that he'd be a control freak re: money. He's an empty shell of a human being. I pity him.

"MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY part 2"

If you have been or if you are currently involved with a Narcissist, you're self esteem is most likely severely damaged and/or lacking. No matter what I did or said, it never seemed to be good enough. In the early years, my paycheck was the constant target. He constantly bitched about my wages. As the years passed, I went back to school, got a lot of work experience on my resume. Finally due to the experience and training, I was doing what I loved earning a salary that I was happy with. Bill seemed satisfied. As long as he got his cut twice a month, life was peaceful for a while. Although from time to time he'd bitch about the wear and tear on my car, I always tuned him out. I loved my job and nothing was going to jeopardize it! Unfortunately as the kids grew older, my work days grew shorter. Although I still made a decent wage Bill began to bitch about the shorter hours. He'd often suggest it was time to look for another position. I simply ignored his comments. I'd been with the family nearly ten years by this time. I made decent money and enjoyed a few benefits I wasn't willing to give up. There was however one problem, the mountain of debt Bill had built up over the years. The debt I'd never had a say in, was starting to take it's toll. My bitchy side felt little empathy. I'd begged him so many times over the years to slow down, practice some self control. He never respected nor cared about what I had to say. "I pay the bills. Don't worry about it. Just pay your rent!" Devalued, minimized, silenced. So it was hard to feel any sympathy for him. All the years I had no voice. My attitude basically was,"you made your bed, lie in it." If I could have foreseen the impact of his stress and the toll it would take, I wouldn't have dismissed it so easily. Well, as the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20. One day he announces that we're going to move to Escondido. A city 45 mins North inland from San Diego. Red neck, tweakerville. I understood that he worked in Escondido. That he had a long commute every day. I was willing to discuss moving. However, I wanted to discuss a compromise. Ahmi and I had Mommy and Me classes. She was in gymnastics and swimming lessons. The way I saw it there were options and why couldn't the move be convenient for all of us? Nope! In true Bill Connearney style, it was going to be his way or the highway. No discussion allowed! After so many years, I pushed back for once. Told him to forget it. I should have known better. Within 2 months he'd announce that he was leaving me. As always he'd do as he wished and the hell with anyone who might get in the way. I'd actually just been biding my time till the adoption was final. When Bill punched me in the face in September of 2009 I had decided it was over. As soon as Ahmi was safely out of the system, I had planned to move back to Boston and build a new life for her and I. I only wanted my girl. Turned out, Bill would only think about himself. In the end, I lost my girl to the substitutes and he lost all his money to me!

"WHAT'S TO MISS?"

I actually had started to write the previous posting entitled "Addiction" some months ago. Although my mindset has changed and grown in many ways since, I felt it was important to follow through on posting it.The vast differences between just these two posts alone show how far I've come. So in honor of my journey without further ado; What's to miss? Being put down and called horrible names? Not missed! Condescending, know it all attitude? Not missed! Inadequate sex? Not missed! Rigid, unyielding personal opinions and views? Not missed! Consistently being devalued, minimized, and dismissed? Not missed! Having my self esteem constantly in the toilet. Always feeling like I was worthless, unlovable, defective, second rate, and depressed? NOT MISSED! Bill Connearney plays a great victim! It's truly Oscar worthy! I felt like shit for so many years. I was so depressed and angry inside. Now I can only ask myself, "what the hell was wrong with me?" I miss nothing! He's a pompous, exaggerating, cruel, overbearing, opinionated, selfish, condescending, demeaning, evil, bastard! Life is so much better without poison in it! Narcissists are great at putting their wants and needs above all else. They can be manipulative, cruel, and self centered. For a long time I blamed myself for our problems. I'd tell myself I wasn't doing something right. That he'd listen, hear me, and understand my point of view if I communicated better. BULLSHIT! He was never going to do any of those things because he didn't want to or care to! The simple truth is Bill Connearney loves himself above all others. He was never going to listen, hear, or care no matter what I did or said. I never was, never would have been, that important. He's an empty shell of a human being and I'm grateful that I'm no longer on that merry go round!

"ADDICTION'

Since my separation and divorce I've come to equate my marriage to Bill Connearney as an addiction. Although my head knows and accepts that I'm better off without him and his toxicity, my heart isn't always on board. I know one day when I think about him, a thought is all he'll be. That is when I will know I will finally be free of him and our past. After the final split I thought about our beginning. I came to some hard truths. In hindsight, I let myself get swept up in the fact that my long time secret wish was coming true. It was like a true life fairy tale. Although, I knew I should take things slow. I threw caution and common sense away too quickly. I'd developed a crush on Bill soon after the birth of my son. Of course I kept it to myself. As far as he or anyone else knew, we were just friends. About a year and half later he'd enlisted in the Navy and was gone. A few years passed, I was a single Mom. Busy with my life, raising a preschooler, working, etc... One day I happen to call his Moms looking for his sister and he picks up! I was thrilled and very surprised to hear his voice. I'd thought about him from time to time the past few years. Wondered how he was doing, etc... So we talked briefly and way to soon said our goodbyes. I thought about him a lot that night. The next afternoon I called his Mom's house under the pretext of once again seeking to speak wth his sister. Again he answered the phone and this time when we hung up, he would soon be stopping by my apartment. Long story shortened, we spent almost every moment of the next 2 weeks together. All too soon it was time for him to fly back to San Diego. It was the end of Sept,1987. We'd promised to stay in touch, write each other. Also discussed the possibility of me flying out to Ca in 2/1989 to visit when he returned from westpac. We'd also talked about kids. Bill had said that he didn't want kids until he was at least 30. At this time I thought we'd remain at friend level only and I was fine with that. I respected him for telling me. Of course, I was and always would be part of a package deal. Once he's back in SD, we talked all the time. One day in early Oct, he called and said that he's not going to hang up until he convinces me to move to SD and marry him! I started with, "I'm sorry, no". I reminded him about his statement re: children. He explains that he's given it a lot of thought. That he was wrong. That he was ready and wanted to be a family. So eventually, after a long time on the phone, I accepted his proposal. There's no rehab for this addiction of mine. Yes there's therapy. Been there, done that. Now, just the passage of time. It is easier with each passing day to divert my thoughts. Pull myself back into reality. An addiction as harmful as any other addiction. Unfortunately, there's no quick fix, no rehab, no 12 step program. Distance and time seem to be the only cure. Hmmm, rehab for one's heart, spirit, mind, and soul broken by divorce. Food for thought.

"MY WAY OR HIGHWAY part 1"

In the early 90's we lived in a townhome in Spring Valley, CA. It was a small complex and we became good friends with the original managers. In the late spring of 1993 Bill's company sent him to Ricoh school for the week in Orange county. Something that happened 4 or 5 times a year. This particular time he came home with a life changing plan re: a fellow student he'd met that week. It seemed the guy had a company in the high dessert approx 190 miles North of San Diego. He'd filled Bill's head with nonsense! "Come work for me. You'll make more money, yada yada blah blah." Bill all on his own, spur of the moment decides that he's going to run with it! Screw the company that had paid thousands of dollars training him over the years. That had given him a chance when he got out of the Navy. The company that he was doing well at. That was stable and well known. There was no discussion about it. He and he alone decided he was going to accept the position and that was that! I know, I should have left his ass right then. Hindsight is 20/20. Anyways, he moves up there in May or June. I joined him at the beginning of August. By the time I moved up there, he'd realized the guy had talked a lot of bullshit! His promises were nothing but, empty words! He in fact was back with his original company which luckily had a location in the area. My whole point is, the high desert sucked! It was either too freaking hot or miserable cold. It's a harsh, horrible environment and IMO people who live there are soft in the head! Luckily he was still in touch with his former boss in San Diego. With my encouragement he let him know of his desire to return to San Diego. That March he was informed of an opening and strings were pulled and upper management agreed he could have his old job back! Happy days! Luckily an insurance settlement had come through and I had the money to relocate us back to civilization. Yay seven months of hell were over! Thousands of dollars wasted on an impulsive scheme. Typical Bill Connearney act first think later. "Do what I want regardless if it's the right decision or not. Don't like it? There's the door."

"ANONYMOUS COMMENTS"

To Whomever left me a comment on Friday 1/24, "Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one." Since your comment had no relation to this blog, I've trashed it. I'm guessing you know Bill Connearney and have been sucked into his poor me act he plays so well. Know this, whatever you think you know about me, you know zip. Your useless comment doesn't change the fact that my blog is the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Bill Connearney is an abusive, controlling, evil, lying, Narcissitic, unforgiving p.o.s. human being! Until you've walked a mile in my steps STFU and MYOB! If you choose to believe his bullshit that's your prerogative. Just allow me to think you're an idiot who is easily manipulated. Thanks for the 5 minutes it took to leave your comment as useless as it was. I have a bridge for sale in San Francisco I'll let you have for a reasonable price. Let me know.

***04/17/2014*** I can back up everything I state re: my 25 year marriage. I own my mistakes and behavior. I don't pretend to be perfect or the ever suffering victim. In fact, I prefer to be a "SURVIVOR!" I am a survivor of mental, verbal, and physical abuse! Bill Connearney came very close to killing me. But, my will to live was stronger and luckily I was able to save myself. I SURVIVED! When he's playing the victim act he does so well, maybe he should remember, he's damn lucky not to be doing time for attempted murder! You see I can even admit that when the police showed up, I was a fool and minimized what had happened. He should keep that in mind when he's doing his pity party act. But, for me he'd be staring at nothing but, prison walls. Yet, he still had the balls to lie in court, manufacture evidence, try to wreck my life... Yeah nice upstanding citizen you're standing behind. Idiot! Your judgement means everything! Let me pour you a big cup of stupidity and please allow the door to kick you in the ass as you crawl back onto that high horse you rode in on. Loser!

"WHAT KIND OF JUSTICE?"

After 2 years of hell, homelessness, couch surfing, motel living, the aftermath of Bills evil bullshit, my life may have turned a corner! I recently answered an ad offering free rent and utilities in exchange for being home 5x a week from 9;00pm-7;30am. I went last week to meet the parent and to see the travel trailer i would live in. He was very nice. The trailer is in great shape and would make a great, quiet, more than adequate home for Minnie and I. The position is a dream come true as it leaves my days free to attend school. I'm thrilled at the thought that I have made it through the fires of hell and optimistic for the first time in a long, long time. Then last night, the other shoe dropped. During a conversation about moving in, background check was brought up. I 100% expected it. After all, the well being of 3 young children is involved. I expect nothing less of a responsible parent. The thing that gets me is, I am forced to put my dirty laundry on the table and defend myself against my abuser! I am meeting him on Friday and plan to completely disclose it all. I will bring my medical records, my statement to the DA, Bills arrest record, I also will provide the name and number of my former employer who entrusted me with the care of her children for nearly 10 years, and character references. I'm praying it will be enough. I take responsibility for my decisions and actions over the past 2 years. I get it, I disobeyed a Judges order. But, it's hard to get past the fact there shouldn't be a FRUCKING order AT ALL! As a true survivor of Domestic Violence, I feel his "order of protection" based on nothing but, lies is a slap in the face to true victims/survivors of DV everywhere! Looking back, I'm ashamed that I protected him even after he tried to take my life in the early morning hours of 5/5/2011. I minimized what had happened to the police. I am very proud that were it to happen today, his ass would rot in prison for a very long time! Thanks to a wonderful counselor and a long journey of self work and healing, I know that NO ONE will EVER put their hands on me again and walk free. I do have a lingering disgust for the court system overall. Judge Brown who, admittedly did come to see the real Bill Connearney over time. He was very fair to me by the end of the divorce. However, he heard Bill admit on the stand, under oath during the divorce trial on 1/4/13 that he(Bill) had in fact broken the law re; the secret, illegal recording used by himself in the same courtroom in Feb 2012 to obtain his bullshit r.o. He also heard Bill admit the recording had been more than a year old at the time. After I finally got Bill to admit the truth re: the facts of that recording Judge Brown changed the subject! Ignoring what had taken me at least 20 mins to finally get Bill to admit! It boggles my mind that a Judge hears that an order he granted was based on lies and was in fact illegally obtained, yet that means nothing to him? How freaking nuts is that? Also, in Feb 2012 when my leg was finally on a road to recovery, the limp had disappeared, I could finally bend my knee, crutches/pain were gone, etc... I'd finally begun meds and therapy for my depression, it was time to visit the DA at the Vista CA court house. I needed to correct the wrong I'd done to myself in May of 2011. I'd protected Bill from the legal consequences of his attempt to take my life. He'd attempted to kill me, had caused considerable pain, injury, and cost to myself. It took a good part of 2011 to recover/heal from his attack. I wrote out a truthful account of what had happened in the early morning hours of 5/5/2011. Disclosing that he'd threatened me with a knife when I finally got free of him strangling me. I also mentioned that he'd punched me in the face 3x in September 2009 blackening my eyes for 12 days. Her response? NOTHING! This woman, who is supposed to protect the rights of the people and uphold the law DID NOTHING! So an attempted murderer walks free! It's all bullshit and I'm a true testimony that sometimes the system fails and justice DOES NOT EXIST!

"EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE"

January 9th 2013, I'd spent a good part of that day babysitting a friends 2 young children. I hadn't felt that great when I woke up that morning. By the evening, I was very sick with the flu I'd caught from the baby. High fever, body aches, chills, and a head that felt too heavy and big for my body. I couldn't stand the thought of sleeping in my car as sick as I was. I made the fateful decision to beg Bill Connearney for even a small part of the thousands that he owed me. At the time, he was acting very much like a prick re: paying me what he'd been told to by the Judge. However, still the optimist back then, I called him and explained how sick I was. I beg him for just enough to get a hotel room so I can lay down on a bed. ***Side note*** I found out recently that he totally lied on FB. Posting on his wall that I'd gone to his apartment, was screaming, banging his door, etc... Unequivocally, BULL SHIT!! I never went near his apartment that night! May I be struck down dead! I suppose the truth; that I'd called begging him for something of the money that he owed me. That I was very sick with the flu, would have exposed him as the A$$hole that he is. On the phone he say's,"Okay let me put some clothes on and I'll be there." I was still very much the idiot! Because next thing I know, the cops are behind my car (I was parked in a parking lot of a hotel I'd stayed at before). Now, I admit I did a very stupid thing. I put a pair of scissors to my throat and said I'd rather die than go to jail. Long story short, while one of the frucking pigs talked and pretended to be sympathetic to me, they busted out my front windows and tasered me. I get it, threatening your life in front of the cops isn't the smart thing to do. However, what kind of a complete scumbag piece of shit do you have to be to do what he did? All I wanted was some of my money so I could lie down on a bed. Yet, he sets me up and then lies about the whole incident on Facebook! Then, get this one, he has the balls to say I was released after serving 10 days of a 4 month sentence and that I'D BEEN TOLD TO ATTEND 52 WEEKS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CLASSES!! Complete and utter BULLSHIT! 1st of all, I served 10 days as a violation. For calling him. 2nd of all, I've never been told to take DV classes! I have 52 weeks of counseling in order to heal myself. To explore why I allowed him to treat me so badly. Hopefully to avoid allowing anyone to treat me the way he did again. After all, I'm not the one who was arrested on a domestic violence charge. That would be Bill! I thought it was pathetic for him to even have the nerve to say that. He can lie all he wants, he knows somewhere inside where he hides the truth, that he's the abuser. He's also a better liar than I am. The only reason he has that stupid paper in the 1st place is because he's a great liar. He plays a great victim! His performances are Oscar worthy! "Oh, I'm such a good guy and she's such a bitch. Poor me! Boohoo!" He's so fake. The more I see from a distance, the more I realize, he's a nasty, mean, evil bastard! I'm so much better off without his poison in my life. I realize more every day that he completely sucked everything out of me. Everything always revolved around him. His wants, his needs, his moods, etc... He's an emotional vampire! I never realized how damaging it was until I was away from him.

"FORGIVENESS AND MOVING ON"

A friend who's opinion I do value and respect, thinks I should forget about filing a civil suit against Bill. That it's time to put it behind me and move on. I respect her opinion. However, this time it's wrong. I need to do this last thing. Over the past, nearly 3 years, Bill has; (1) Cost me my baby love. A large chunk of my heart and soul were lost in January 2011. He may have blown it all off."Sucked it up and moved on," I love her! I don't have the gift of throwing away people and pets who aren't convenient in the moment. Unlike Bill Connearney I don't value money above all else. (2) He exploited my devastating pain and grief. He secretly, illegally recorded a conversation in which he put words in my mouth, basically entrapping me. In normal circumstances I never would have said I'd shoot him in the head. He harassed me on that tape. Repeating himself over and over until he got me to agree with him. (3) Then he got away with trying to kill me. He left me with a horrible injury that he never took responsibility for. In fact over time, he changed his reality to where, he had nothing to do with it! I WENT TO FRUCKING JAIL! Never been in trouble until the bastard stood up in court and lied through his teeth! I can't work in my field because of him! No much as I love my friend, he still needs a monetary lesson that will follow him to the grave! He's an evil, selfish, abusive, vindictive bastard. Bill Connearney needs to pay in some way for the wrong he's done! It's the principal of everything. I'm going for $50,000 and the bastard is lucky I'm holding myself back! In CA, if you secretly record someone and then use it in court against them, under state law, you're liable for any and all damages! No suing him will be the end. I need him to be punished by the court. He's put me through hell. Systematically tried to destroy me. The one thing he cares about is his wallet. I want justice in front of the court. I deserve it! The bastard put his hands on me on 3 different occasions. The last 2 times, he caused horrible, devastating injuries. Yet, he lies and get's a restraining order? Bullshit! He needs to pay restitution for what he's done. I'm confident the court will see it my way. Once I get a judgement that will hang over his head the rest of his life, I'll forgive and forget. The S.O.B has never shown any remorse, maturity, or fairness. Why the hell should I continue to show him any? From the beginning I tried to act like an adult and just wanted things to be fairly split. Bill Connearney is the one who wouldn't have it. Well as the saying goes,"He made his bed, let him lie in it!"

"CONTROLLING, SELFISH, STUBBORN"

I still remember Bill coming home one day and telling me we were moving to Escondido. A city about 45 minutes inland and to the north of San Diego. I understood that moving was something we needed to discuss/seriously consider. He was the only one working full time at the moment as I was home with Ahmi. I planned (and he'd agreed) that I'd stay home until she started school. Anyways, although I knew it and was open to discussing it, Bill wasn't having a discussion. "I'm the only one working. That's where my company is. That's where I'm looking." Never mind that it was his fault re: the mountain of debt he was carrying on his back. That he'd charged most of it on his own. Forget that Ahmi and I had activities and classes most days during the week in San Diego. So what if I didn't want to move to/live in Escondido. He'd made up his mind. There was no compromise. No discussion. Just like it had always been, it was Dictator Bill Connearney telling me how it was going to be. Something welled up inside of me and I refused to follow this time. I dug my heels in and told him "no way. We're not moving." I'd simply reached the end of my rope as far as him always telling me what we were going to do. I finally got sick and tired of his bullying. Little did I know, he still planned on having his way. It was only a few months later that he announced he was leaving me. True Bill Connearney attitude. He'd always choose having his own way over any rational, mature discussion. Not to say it wasn't for the best in the long run. I mean by that time, I completely planned to divorce his ass and move back to Boston. I was selfish too. I simply wanted Ahmi's adoption to be finalized. I hoped we could split once she was safely out of the system. However, Bill who supposedly, "loved her so much." Apparently didn't love her enough and he refused to give it just a few more months until that could happen. Yet, he "loved her so much."

"OH NO, OH NO, BACK TO COURT WE GO"

Strange, somehow I had thought when the divorce was final, we would be. Not so grasshopper. Seems Bill is never going to follow the courts orders willingly in regard to spousal support. That's why he's actively trying to trash me in the Massachusetts courts now that California courts have caught on to him! It's ridiculous that the sob thinks he's above the law! I've got news for him, I'm not giving up. About to file contempt charges and a small claims case against him. It sucks that I have to once again take up the courts time however, I won't give up! Bill is so freaking delusional! He seems to feel he can do whatever the hell he wants! He's tried and failed four times to have my spousal support cut off. This last time the Judge told him it wasn't going to happen. That he'd followed the guide lines and that was that. "Pay her" were his exact words. Bill Connearney has once again blown him off and it appears he has no intention of following the judges orders. Well time to instigate contempt charges. Maybe if his ass goes to jail, it will finally sink in!
p.s. If you're dating and or thinking about dating someone named Bill Connearney? If you goggled his name and you're now reading this wondering if he's one and the same? If he's covered with tattoos. If he has a brother Paul, 2 sisters Jean and Nancy, it's a match! Woman to woman, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN! He may act charming and all that, IT'S ALL A LIE! He's an evil. selfish bastard! Beware! Condolences and best of luck to you!

"YOU WRECKED MY LIFE"

Those were the last words Bill said to me after court on July 8th. A true Narcissistic typical Bill Connearney statement! Let's review; My precious girl had been placed with the substitutes. I did cover up the Domestic Violence when he punched me in the face 3x. blackening my eyes for 12 days. I take full responsibility of hiding that for 15 months. However, it doesn't take freaking rocket science to figure out, IT NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED IN THE FIRST PLACE!! To make it worse, when the wreckers asked him about it, the PUSSY lied! That's right Bill Connearney lied! He claimed we'd had an argument, he'd dropped me off, when he came home later, I had the injury to my face! I'd love to know the scenario where I could possibly injure myself so severely? We're talking thick black and purple bruising the whole top half of my face! I looked like Rocky Balboa! So, I lost my heart (Ahmi), She went through traumatic emotional upheaval that will possibly effect her the rest of her life. The bastard tried to kill me. Left me with a devastating injury to my leg that took months to heal. Lied to the court, faked evidence, obtained a protective order that he's used as a tool to control, abuse, and manipulate. He's put me in frucking jail just because he's an evil, vindictive bastard. I've been homeless. I'm unable to work in the field I love due to his paper of fraud. I have a frucking record because of him. Yet, I wrecked his life? Just goes to show what a egotistical, selfish, evil, abusive bastard he is! God, how could I have put up with his sorry ass for so many years? What a son of a bitch he is! I'm grateful that I have finally woken up. The piece of crap was always on my case re: the black depression I fell into for a year after losing Ahmi. Since he'd cancelled my health insurance as of 1/1/11 I had no resources to seek help. If you know anything about depression, the longer you wait to get help, the worse it gets. Anyways, the prick had the attitude that I,"should suck it up and move on." As if crying 24/7 was a choice I made or something I enjoyed! Anyways, now that I'm in remission, I thank God everyday that Depression is treatable w/ meds and therapy. Personality defects like Narcissism, no hope/help. I'd much rather be depressed! The pitiful thing to me is, he isn't capable of understanding that there's something wrong with him. That's sad and creepy! I say, "Fuck narcissists! They'll bring nothing good to your life!" Unless you don't mind putting their wants and needs above your own 100% of the time. If you don't mind being minimized and dismissed. If you want to always be second class in the relationship, avoid narcissists like the Black Plague!